“escape from home”

Of all the gin joints in all the world,
I find myself at the parker inn again.

Frustrated. At myself and the world. There’s about a million things I could be doing with my time. Instead I’m mostly sleeping, eating, and working at a job I hate. ( The job itself isn’t so bad, but its far from what I love to do, and any job similar but different I would hate as well)

The truth is I have an abundance of time, as I sleep in every morning and give myself just enough time to make it to work, evenings, saturdays, and my infamous lazy sundays.

I’m not putting myself down. I work hard and I enjoy my time off. However I am not developing at the rate I should be or want to be.

I’M SLACKING! Freelance writing…unwritten, stories…unweaved, pictures…UNTAKEN!

Not to mention the looming factoid that my temp status may come to a close at the end of this month. A more responsible person would be hoarding money left and right, I however borrow from myself and always seem to end up with little more than a few dollars in the bank leftover. No matter how many hours I work, or how much money I save on my rent… I just can’t seem to get ahead. Not to mention school didn’t work because it turns out I actually can’t be everywhere at once. Bummer!

What am I to do with my existence? Not only will I NOT lead a life of quiet desperation, but I can’t just sit back and swallow all that thrown at us as American citizens. Hello occupy whatever… Forget about the 1 percent, what about the healthcare crisis?

It’s time for a revolution… Who is with me? Now if only I could get up off my lazy butt. Maybe after this beer 😛

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gas leaks and evacuations

Updating again from the Parker Inn. Evacuated from work and sent home early. Not as exciting as it sounds. Mostly just cold… anticipating if tomorrow brings a paid day off ( happy enough for unpaid).

Stillll, the theme of the moment is acceptance. This whole coming of age, defining who we are thing… Accepting myself as I am. Short comings and all. For the past, 6 months ( more or less) I’ve been battling this innate fear that my lovely bf could fall for someone else…prettier, skinner, italian, etc. I have no justification to feel this way, I’m just a pre-disposed worrier. The thing is I love him very much indeed and would be very much heart broken, but the even greater underlying message here is the fact that the fear itself leads to two basic understandings:

First of which is my view of myself, second is my view of my boyfriend.

The fact is that Nick is has not ever given me any concrete reasons to doubt his intentions however he does like to make jokes about cheating that I brush off but they eat at me still. He says he loves me for me and I believe… I think.

Moreover, should he ever stop loving me for me or come to the conclusion that, as much as he loves me, he loves somebody else more…well ,there would be nothing that I could do about it but accept it and move on with my life, which I would because above all rule one of being a lady is: Always Keep It Classy.

Furthermore, which leads me to part B (which is actually part a, only I addressed part b first…) I know in the very depths of my heart that I am a catch. I know this but I don’t feel like the world sees it. Either way the world is my oyster.

My lesson here is this: I do not know what the future holds but I do know what God has to say about worrying:

“There for do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own troubles” mat 6:33

Hmmm…okay so I’m going to TRY to give my doubt and insecurities over to the Creator of the Universe ANDDDDDD focus on getting my cheap thai food on with my lovely man now 🙂 have a good evening

Live! From the Parker Inn!

FYI I believe someone got into a fatal fight here earlier this week, which lead to their unfortunate demise…

Regardless, Here I am after work. Waiting for the bus home to my baby. I realize as a Christian of (almost) 23 years, cohabitation prior to marriage is a (really big) no no but honestly I’ve never been happier and I haven’t felt more at home in the past 2 years. So to hell with it- we’ll see where it goes! Que sera sera.

Over a blue moon draft and alexi murdoch on pandaro, I hear neighboring tables conversation on abortion. The waitress only lingers long enough to pour my beer. I like the parker inn. For one it is next to Proctors, Schenectady’s theater, and two it is usually desolate enough but not too much.

It has been a tough work week. Not for any particular reason other than the fact that my job is beginning to wear on me and I’m having a hard time caring. Currently I work for a Medicaid call center. It is my job to educate people on available benefits of Medicaid and more specifically what he or she is eligible for. In short, it’s a lot of frustrated people on both ends of the phone.However I did make three new friends this week. All 23, boyfriends, and 1 with a baby on the way.

What’s on my mind tonight? A reoccuring theme. Money money money. Something that seems to slip through my hands like water. At the end of last year I walked a way from a 900 dollar vehicle with 75 dollars, this month 550 dollar deposit with amount undetermined yet (but definitely not 550 dollars). The theme here, when walking away is more precious that $. As Nick loaded up the car with my belongings, and I looked over my apartment for the last time… I knew how the song and dance routine went. Landlord finds reasons to keep my money but so far coming home to Nick is worth every penny.

Ok so I’m feeling the beer now. Better sign off. Follow your heart, ma cheres!