goodbye facebook, you douche bag

last night i was thinking about all the ways in which people torture themselves

tonight im thinking about how im going home on thursday and im going to cry in my mommys lap

even though im 25, i dont think you’re really ever too old to do that

especially if you are lucky enough to have a Mom thats around and is as comforting as mine is 🙂

(not to mention that this whole trip is thanks to my grandpaw, who is kickass even from the grave! rip weldon)

my favorite thing about not living home is going home. when life gets to be too much- go home. instant solution. granted not always a “solution” but usually needed for the soul. i do think about moving back home sometimes because it would be “easier”. what the fuck is that bull shit though. just because its easy doesnt make it right. totally learned that the hard way many many times. but if its hard does it make it right? is the struggle always worth it?

im having a really hard time putting my heart out there for some reason. i almost physically feel like i cant. but nothing could really be as bad as what ive been through, at least the outcomes im currently facing. but my level of investment maybe not as high- maybe thats the problem i dont know. sometimes im not really sure what im fighting for. yes the greater good. all i know though right now is that im seriously considering throwing in the towel- which may not be the right thing, maybe just the easy thing

somewhere near the sound of breaking glass and expletives,

you’ll find me waiting for the space ship to take me back to my home planet.

dont mind me im just girl intensely starring off into space. what was i thinking about? couldnt even tell you…or i wont.

no fucks left to give.


and all before noon too

Yesterday, when asked how my day was I described it as “uneventful”.

So I started off today at towing yard at 12am, dropping my friend off at her job. The following two hours where spent making and customizing her online dating profile and sorting through her crazy (sometimes obscene) craigslist add responses. (Because when someone says “Looking for someone respectable” that totally means send a picture of your cock right?)

What we do for love, right. Well actually my friend isn’t looking for love. She is looking for a monogamous extramarital affair. (Maybe those cock pictures were actually on point then!) Hey- we all have needs right? Still, I think she is looking for love. I think everyone is looking for love in some kind of way.

And I’ll be damned if we aren’t all looking in all the wrong places. I know I was with my ex Nick…Sure he cared for me but only in relation to how I made him feel ( i.e.: wanted and not alone). You know for sure how someone feels when you try to make changes to your relationship..and oh boy did I ever find out for sure.

Craigslist isn’t really the best way to find your ‘soulmate’ if such things exist (I believe they do). It may sound crazy but I’ve found a lot of shit on craigslist. Hell, I’ll even say I’ve found just about everything on craigslist from time to time:

  • Friends
  • Apartments
  • Roommates
  • Dates
  • Jobs
  • Pets
  • Internships
  • Cars
  • Events

Honestly, I’ve had the best of luck with friends. 7 years ago I made a friend on CL that actually ended up changing my entire life in a way. Was our meeting fate or destiny? I’m not sure. But I remember it as clear as day. I replied to her ad because I was looking for friends. Just out of high school, a drift in desert: I was looking to meet someone new and I didn’t know how. Ayesha who was then living in Schenectady (Where????) had always wanted to live in Phoenix (Why?????????) and boom instant friendship. We both liked the smashing pumpkins and we shared different translations of the same name. Without ever having met her before I offered to pick her up at the airport, her and her tuxedo kitty.

Around 3am this morning I went home ate Ellios pizza (a NY commodity) and got a real good 3 hours of sleep before my alarm went off. All summer I’ve been working from home basically at my primary job. I would go into the office on occasion but mostly I took advantage of the ability to sit at home in my underwear, in bed no less, and talk to customers about their homeowner claims. It was the most fun I’ve ever had working at (any company really) an insurance company. Those days are over I guess (until the inclement weather kicks up again- SNOW DAYS). I am a hot mess in the morning. Physically functioning, I am not sure what my cognitive ability is or what my brain activity is all I know is that I feel rage, or at least I felt rage this morning. And my car had flat, and even though I left early, got to work early, still

ended up signing in late because I locked my keys (and my everything else) in my car and then couldn’t get my computer to work for 20mins. During all this, I am remembering a conversation with my friend around 230am this morning in which we debated whether it is better to have a good day or an interesting day. Be careful what you wish for. Hey Life, here’s looking at you baby 😛

Interview with Maria Zemantauski

I had the pleasure of sitting down with world-renowned flamenco guitarist Maria Zemantauski last week in her office at HVCC. Maria was such an inspiring woman, it was easy to come up with a good article to share her story…

Maria Zemantauski spells cultural affairs with a capital “C”. Fresh from performing at the annual Albany Jazz Festival two weekends ago, Zemantauski is not only the director of Cultural Affairs but an accomplished world renowned musician at Hudson Valley.

Zemantauski has a BA degree in applied music and masters degree with concentrations in ethnology and linguistics. “Ethnology is the study of culture with a capital ‘C’.it’s related to cultural anthropology. It’s important to study other people and other cultures to learn about ourselves. We learn from each other,” she said.

It may seem like an odd educational mixture for a musician but since completing her degree Zemantauski has shown that the two go hand in hand. Maria was prompted to study anthropology instead of continuing her formal education in music because she was already an established musician.

At age 16, Zemantauski was giving guitar lessons when her own instructor became overwhelmed with clients. She started her guitar lessons at 12 years old. Reluctant to train formally with an instructor, Maria felt at a very young age that the guitar was her instrument. By the time Maria began her college degree she had already been touring and playing for years.

Zemantauski found her calling in the cultural affairs department. “Very early on I started getting invited to colleges and universities not just by music departments wanting to have a concert but cultural studies, anthropology departments, and women studies departments”. Those departments would ask Zemantauski to do a lecture n addition to a concert.

“I felt more legitimate in discussing who I was and how I got here with people.” However, the journey is only beginning once school is over. Looking back on her experience, she said she left school with “more questions than answers.”

When in comes to female musicians in her field, Zemantauski is one on a short list. “What’s interesting about that is we’re here but many times our contribution especially to traditional art forms like flamenco is often written out of the history books and not recognized as much or as often as a man’s contribution might be. I know i have found this to be true in flamenco,” she said.

Early in her career at HVCC, Maria recalls a conversation she had with the Paco Pena Ensemble whom she invited to play at the Troy Savings Hall, “I said ‘why is it that you have never toured with a woman guitarist?’ and he looked very surprised by the question and he said ‘Wow I have never thought of that’ That’s the problem right there- they don’t think about it. [People] don’t see women as being a vital and dynamic contributors to a lot of traditional male art forms,” Zemantauski explained.

The women’s place in a male dominated workforce is a topic relevant to all fields and industries as every year more and more women enter the job force. Statistically speaking women out earn men when it comes to degrees, but men still make more money. She said, “The best perspective to have is that we are out here we just don’t get as much recognition as our male counterparts do.”

There is no question that Zemantauski is here. Educated, accomplished, and talented, Maria has traveled internationally and truly broken barriers between cultures.
“If I could get a guitar into everyone’s hands I would be a very happy person. It’s just about inviting music into your life. You don’t have to be on a track to be a concert artist. You don’t have to be an accomplished world-class musician, you can simply just play for your own enjoyment,” said Zemantauski.
In her new course “Music and World Cultures,” context of music is key. Music has an element of transcendence to it, its most basic form it knows no language barriers. You don’t even need an instrument to lead a more musical existence. Sound is everywhere. “No matter what is happening [music] makes me feel like everything is alright,” she said.

Zemantauski continued, “Music teaches us how to listen [analyze] life in a world now with our social media everyone is so quick to respond that we almost don’t listen as quickly as we should before we respond music that teaches us how to listen we always have to make sure we keep fortifying that skill pursuing a musical instrument teaches us discipline how to focus and concentrate and it gives us patience because it teaches us to make things seem easy or feel easy we have to work very very hard.”

Now celebrating her 10th year at HVCC, she recalls being drawn to the position because it was “rare” to have a job posting listing artistic skill as a must. “The college gives me a lot of responsibility for having good programming for students and lot of flexibility,” said
“In addition, I welcome input from the entire campus community if anyone has an idea that might be suited for the cultural depart folks can make proposals to me and i will research them further and propose things to the committee.” One of the cultural affairs most recent events was the Guitar Festival which took place Spring 2014. The next one may not take place until Spring 2016, there are many events coming up.

Maria with her flamenco guitar i
Maria with her flamenco guitar i

For more information on cultural affairs department or Zemantauski please contact the Cultural Affairs Hotline at (518) 629-8071. A calendar of events is available online.