kairos

No more transitioning.

Alycia Bacon is here!

I am here.

RAWR!

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Not invited to the Cabana Party :(

Writing from Vegas tonight baby

Oh yeah 🙂

Landed in Phoenix last Thursday, like a meteor striking the planet

BAM!

Ok so I had this bad ass vision of me stumbling off the plane like yeah I’ve been partying since I left New York all for my bestie Julia and her wedding yeah.

Yeah no. Everything was seamless though even though true to form I waited to last min for all my plans ( i like living life on the EDGE) and it worked out.

Not so epic though just normal getting off the plan, soberness, tiredness, slightly annoyedness but happy to be in my home state. Not a whole lot of expectations on this trip… 2 things: Bach Party in Vegas and Wedding in Campe Verde. Other than that whatever.

Seeing my family has been fantastic! Being in Phoenix has been fantastic. I am so happy to be from the wild west. I look around at the sprawling dessert landscape and I feel right.

Going back to New York with a fierceness that has been lacking. You know, I just wasn’t really living- I mean I was but I’ve been hiding. I don’t know why. I do know why, fear. Fear that being myself wouldn’t be accepted. But since being in town I realized that I’m never accepted. I’m always too much. So I guess I better just own the fuck up to it because what else is there really left to do in life.

Nothing I say. Except travel, love, and eat. and Shop. and Learn and grow.

A little twisted off some expensive $20 dollar drink from the Flamingo…

Catch me if you can

Well there were no fucks given today. If I had catchphrases, and I guess I kind of do, then that is surley one of them. It’s funny the way life unfolds sometimes. Ironic. Last Monday I said things were uneventful, well the next day I locked my keys in my car, found out that I was getting laid off ( or had the option to move to Missouri), the day after that I got into an accident –my first in 6 years. There were good things too: moments shared with friends, laughter, and I got a check from my insurance company which is sure to come in handy.  Monday my car started acting funny on the way home from my adventures and I knew I had to bring her in.

So I did and it turns out it’s my catalytic converter (completely un-accident related of course). I found a place to do it cheap and so I dropped her off and started walking. I’m kind living in a full circle moment right now. Tomorrow morning I’ll be leaving for home but today I’m walking, holes in my shoes, rain dripping down my face and looking way to pretty for the bus. With my hood up and my headphones in, I can’t help but smile. 5 years ago I left my home, my friends, my family and everything I knew to move to Schenectady. People ask me why and its really something I can’t define… Opportunity maybe?

The thing about me is that I can be pretty indecisive sometimes, but once I make a decision I stick to it. I once loved someone more than life itself and he may of or may not of felt the same (lol probably not), but he definitely didn’t want the same. At that time I was on pretty rocky terms with my family. Just a lot of different shit really and quite frankly I was a brat. And I paid for it with a broken heart.

But really I was a big girl with a huge heart and Arizona was never for me and that was evident at a very early age. The day after everything fell apart I remember sitting with my friend and he said “Alycia, you are not stuck here.” And that’s when I knew it was time to go. There were no fucks left to give at that point. My plan was to grab my puppy, whatever I could carry, and whatever money I could scrap together and just start walking towards California. As the adage goes, “the best laid plans…” blah blah blah…

I ended up here: 2 bags of luggage, my guitar, and $60; 21 year old cactus flower- never even seen the snow… in cowboy boots, flats, and slippers I walked from Rotterdam to Niskyuana daily, and traveled around the Capital Region through every season and unimaginable types of weather (sudden hail in summer- check) All the while listening to my little black ‘I have no clue what generation’ ipod (less of device and more of a companion at this point).So today I’m walking and I am really thinking about how far I’ve come. Physically, Geographically, Emotionally, and Spiritually… a very long way.

I’m used to not fitting in. Growing up I did not fit in. I’m never black or white enough, skinny enough, blah blah blah… and you know what I’m just going to say it, I’m weird. I end up in absolutely ridiculous situations- sometimes self-created (thinking of a moment in high school when I auditioned for the IB Talent Show with 2 of my friends. There we were unrehearsed and covered in cake with blue frosting- the kind of frosting that smears instead of wiping off, bumbling through the Blues Brothers “ Turn on your love light” lip syncing and dancing- all a beat or two behind and occasionally making up our own moves) but honestly a lot of times crazy shit just happens to me. Like that perfect catch that happened when I was completely facing a different direction and BOOM I raised my hand and caught the birdie, a dust devil kicks up in the distance and where is its flight path? Yes of course it’s coming straight at me to engulf me in a mini dirt tornado. Then I have rocks falling out of my bra or I am trying to provide resistance training for my sparring partner but instead I’m being dragged across the gym so fast that I can’t help but to slam into the wall at the end of it.

Through all of this nonsense I’ve learned that my only real home is in my heart. I used to subscribe to the theory that people came in pairs, separated from their “soulmate”. Well I found my soulmate, starring right back me when I look into my mirror. I get let down by the people I care about just because I feel like no one ever loves as hard as me ( probably not true). The amount of people I really can call a friend is short but I’m fortunate to have found love in so places with so many people- however brief. But its myself love that keeps me moving. Its what gets me up in the morning, what keeps trekking when my feet are wet, its hailing and i’m the kind of cold that stays with you, even as you sit by the fire.

I am a vagabond. No day is 9-5 for me. Who out there lives a life like this? Constant change.

I really am the love of my life.