Camp Bisco 2013

Ok so I can’t stop looking at my new (edited) headline photo “Get Lost and Find Yourself”. I love messing around in image editing software and I really like how it turned out. I can’t help but remember that day at Camp Bisco. Such a crazy day. Craziness is sure to ensue at any music festival I suppose. Get a bunch of hippies, drugs, and music together and your bound to have an interesting day. That was my first music festival experience. I went with my ex boyfriend Nick. We kind of just wandered around aimlessly for a few hours in the sun then got into a huge fight and separated and then spent the next couple of hours or so trying to find each other until we gave up and decided to go back to the car and ended up meeting on the shuttle back to the parking lot. All in all I felt cheated as I paid like $400 to get myself and Nick in. It wasn’t until subsequent music festival goings that I found out that Bisco is the worst of the area around here. But that’s really neither here nor there- Nick and I were like a constant ticking time bomb. I’m looking back over my previous posts and I wrote like I was just so happy. But the truth is I never was- not once in our 4 years together. That’s crazy. But I had denial down pretty good. I have this ability to see the good in everything and everyone but age is teaching me to discern between a beautiful painting and a painting with a spot of beauty in it- if that makes sense.

Also finally setup my professional writing service website, The Modern Scribe. I decided to invest the $26 dollars it costs to reserve the domain name and whatnot so it’s official. My next step is to start importing my writings that I consider part of portfolio. I’m excited about this! And I have a year before I have to reserve the name again so that gives me a deadline kind of. I know in a year I can make something that is a stable secondary income at the least. And then I can spend the rest of my time selling expensive jewelry and practicing Β martial arts. And hopefully having sex too. I really really miss sex. D:

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the art of detachment

been sort of in and out of a funk lately.

i am in need of a definite change of pace.

its coming, i can feel it. i get so anxious sometimes all i can do is pace. its not a anxious-nervous feeling, more like a anxious-excitement feeling. complete absolute change is coming and its well deserved! i’m glad all the chaos happened last year. first off life had gotten pretty boring. Stuck in a loveless relationship, I was drifting through life …I can’t describe. Sleepwalking maybe. Here but not present. Or so lost within myself that I was a mere fragment of the full of life person I used to be. But I met someone who woke me up and that’s great. I’m happy to be back. And I love living la bohemian life. I wouldn’t trade it for all the 401ks in the world.

Ehhh, maybe 1 large 401k. Having that security is nice. I would like to have security one day. But at the same time what is security really. There a number of large scale catastrophes that could demolish even the richest mans “nest egg”. I would like to not be old and slaving away to keep a roof over my head but I figure if I really really love what I do than I don’t see an issue doing it until the day I die and that’s kind of where I’m at. Writing is definitely something I feel that way about but I’m again kind of in a funk. I haven’t been mentally or spiritual stable so I kind of have to master that before I can really get back to writing. Or maybe that’s just the lie I tell myself.

Regardless,

I have decided that I’m definitely sticking around the Cap Reg. My number 1 goal this year was to get in shape and there is only one place that I know that I can really ‘git er done’ so that’s where I’ll be as soon as I get ‘xyz’ sorted out. At 27 I’ll be in the best shape of my life and then I can go anywhere or whatever. Travel is for sure in my future as I love it. I love the gypsy life. The only thing I don’t love is saying goodbye. I’m use to being on the other end of it though. All the love I feel hurts so much I know its why I keep people at a distance. I’m working on it though. Doing some heart opening meditations and shit. Ughlahfaslihfliashfliashflhaskhkashlkhalkhsdlkhaslhdaslk <- that’s how feelings make me feel. Lol kind of like frustrated and annoyed. Psychoanalyze that Freud!

Anyways,

I’ve also decided that in my next life I would like to be that exquisite quality of music…
That note that hits you just right and brings a tear to your eye.
The very essence of the sound that’s moving.
Then I could really be everywhere, loved by everyone, possessed by no one, achieved only by the most trained and gifted musicians, and fully appreciated by the most passionate of hearts.

And I’d go perfect with a nice glass of wine.

Sounds like the life to me πŸ˜‰

sitting at my favorite cafe in Troy writing, drinking coffee and eating a bacon egg and cheese sandwich on a GMO all natural bagel…

when ‘I am the Walrus’ comes on the radio.

I’m at my favorite cafe in the Capital Region and I’m really loving my life.

“Every misfortune will be a blessing”

That was a prediction from one of the cards I pulled in my last reading and I have to say its on point. When I’m looking over the past year it was difficult and challenging but nothing was truly lost only gained. Self respect, independence, gratitude…these are just some of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.

I’ve seen the future and it is bright ❀

the Craigslist killlaahhh stikes again

So once again Craigslist might prove to be my one true love

in a stoke of genius I realized I could search possible carpools around the Capital Region by going to the community section.

This would be ahhhmazing considering the winter cold has me ready to start packing for warmer climates ( back home it’s 70!) and the CDTA has me traveling 2 hours to and from a place it takes 20 mins to drive to (reeeedicccccc).

Yet here I am. I’ve been going back and forth on prospect of moving but ultimately I decided that I want to stay- at least until next winter. I mean a) winter is at least 1/2 way over (i hope) and b) i want to stay at my dojo. Although I haven’t been going this past week and likely wont be back for another couple of weeks, I’ve had a lot of success weight loss, I discovered a new passion in martial arts, a much needed stress outlet, and everyone there is really nice.

Getting out of such a long relationship (4 years!!!) I definitely found myself back at square 1. Which for me turned out to be 21. So getting my independence and self sufficiency back has been a uphill climb. Coupled with a whole lotta shit that took place within the past 12 months…but I feel like I’ve closed a chapter and I can say that at 26 I’m happy. I’m happy with who I am and where I’m at. Is life perfect…No. Of course not. But I feel way less anxious about having it ‘all together’ and I feel way less anxious about getting my degree. I know its something I’d like to have someday- maybe. And I know its something that would of made my Grandfather really proud. But for me right now, with my indecisiveness on a major I think returning to full time work is the best bet. I’d rather take individual classes anyways and I’d much rather learn skills that enrich my life than get a degree that gets me an entry level position doing something I didn’t even go to school for.

I’ve decided overall my goal is to a freelance writer. And someday I would like a vineyard in California I think. Some place coastal and off the beaten path (but not too far from a major city). And I want to make movies. My goal for this year is to lose all the excess weight. I know when I turn 27 I’ll be in the best shape of my life πŸ˜€ And when I get to that point I can then consider if Albany has the best opportunities for me. Because I would really love to go back to film school.

I’m so grateful one of my dear friends encouraged me to start journaling.

I will say if there is one thing I’m guilty of its searching for love harder than I’ve been searching for God.

I think I was just so wrapped up in making my previous relationship last that once I started working out and getting serious about practicing I developed more confidence and self respect and it made me realize how unhealthy our relationship was. However, when I left my ex became ‘the Ex from Hell’ pretty much. It made me really sad that’s how he chose to end things but whatever. Being tied for 4 years and then realizing even with all the bull shit you put up with you really never had love it almost makes you starved for it. Still desperation is how I ended up with my POS car, Veronica the Sante Fe. $10,000 later I was able to walk away with $200.

So definitely willing to wait on a relationship and a car until I know its the real deal.

Patience has never been one of my strongholds.

But in the meantime, I really need to find a job asap. It seems impossible to not only find something but find something that is somewhat enjoyable. Despite what my peers are saying, I am being picky in what I apply to at least right now. I’ve done the get anything game, its an easy trap to get stuck in. But during my recent period of soul searching I remembered how much I loved my first job working at The Icing by Clarie’s. Back then I got to listen and watch alternative rock music videos all day. So I literally just jammed and hung surrounded by pretty sparkly things. I figure though, that was then, now lets see if I can step it up and work with some real jewels. I already have a passion for stones. What I am really looking for is more abstract than concrete. My ideal job at this point has me not attached to my desk by a telephone cord or every minute of my time micromanaged, i get to look pretty and dress up, listen to music (ie: Jam), and work in a positive environment. Β If on top of that I get to be submerged in expensive jewels- I’m all about it. Plus I feel like I could really get down to helping men pick out engagement rings. I’d feel really good about that. Helpin a sistah out when I get her man to splurge on that perfect gem that’s just little out of his preferred price range πŸ˜‰ Getttt it girrlllllll! And that’s another thing, I want to be able to really get passionate about my job. Even though transition is hard, I know in the long run it’ll be well worth it when I have that job I love.

The following is a post I put on craiglist about a week ago. I had to remove it because my ex decided to post a public response for the all the men who read the craigslist “women for men” section. Yet, it’s one of my more favorite posts I’ve written ( I wrote a really great once title “Hey Loser” while I lived in Phoenix and I wished I saved it.) Even though it didn’t work out I am still a Princess in search of her warrior. Well I hope he finds me.

love

Hello There πŸ™‚

Like the title says I am a Princess looking for her Warrior.
Men who are cowards, indecisive, two faced, insecure, too emotional and/or into games need not reply.

I am looking for a strong man with Christian values (but is also 420 friendly)
It’s important that you not only be strong physically but also mentally and spiritually.
I am a strong, smart, funny, sassy woman who knows what she wants. I am a fighter and I am looking for my match.

About me: I am an artist who loves to travel but also loves the home life. Most nights you’ll find me reading under the covers, watching my favorite shows on netflix, or jamming to music. I love photography, writing, singing, dancing, and laughing. I make the best hot coco and grilled cheese sandwiches. My favorite part of the day is getting dressed- even if I dont end up leaving the house. I’m comfortable in my own skin and I wear lipstick to the dojo just because I can. I take pride in my appearance and I am looking for a man that does the same.

Again, I am not interested in games. I am looking for the man I want to marry, have a family and a life with. I will not have sex with you until I am sure that you are the one. I want a fairy tale romance and true love. For the right man I will be a loving wife, best friend, mother, and FREEEAAAAKKKK πŸ˜‰

So if you think you’re a contender than hit me up. Please be between the ages of 24-35. Race does not matter, however I will say I have a very strong weakness for white guys with blue eyes and men who play the guitar. In the subject line please say “Of all the gin joints in all the world” and please include a picture.

And lastly, I realize what I am looking for is pretty specific. I would like to thank you for reading my post πŸ™‚ And I hope you find what you’re looking for.