“slowly slowly i am drifting”

one of my favorite artist these days is Alexi Murdoch. I discovered his music when I watched the movie ‘Away we go’ withย  Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski. Nearly the entire soundtrack is composed of Murdoch songs. Murdoch, 41, born in London, is of Scottish, French, and Greek descent is as good at song writing as he at playing acoustic guitar. His music is like a rich tapestry of emotion woven together with insightful lyrics and understated chords. My favorite song is ‘Orange Sky’

“when i am alone

when I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone

when I’ve lost all care for the things i own

that’s when i miss you, that’s when I miss you, that’s when I miss you

you who are my home…”

“in your love, my salvation lies

in your love, my salvation lies…”

“well i had dream

i stood beneath an orange sky”

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ask and you shall recieve

since my last post ive been asked out 3 times and had drink plans with 2 friends…
not all plans come to fruition but all the same i did meet a very nice guy. His name is Dylan and he is a transplant like me, only from Oklahoma. I have a theory that transplants tend to naturally find each other. I think part of that is because we are more likely to be searching. Locals have been around and around and around so their shit is set. They have their friends, their routine, their places to chill and few really go outside of that. As you get older it seems making friends becomes more difficult. The last best friend I made, Marse, I literally just walked up to her was like ‘Hey we’re going to be friends” At the time I was 21. I just moved out here and I knew only my friend Esha. Never really think about it but looking back that was pretty uncharacteristic of me- I guess I just felt like I had nothing to lose. That and at 5’10 Marse is a big light-skinned black woman like myself. We both have a lot of presence so there was no intimidation. I find that sometimes darker skinned black woman/girls tend not to like me because I’m different and the same with the little white girls/women. Maybe that’s changing as I get older somewhat, I’ve met a lot of fantastic people of all races. And really it’s not about color. But people like labels because they make them feel comfortable like they understand something that is otherwise beyond comprehension… so when someone or something breaks the mold it causes fear. Normally the people I feel that I’m meant to connect with naturally gravitate toward me. I feel some people are intimidated by me and I don’t mind that all the time. I kinda shudder to think what would happen if people knew how easy I am to talk to. Whatever you have to say I can probably carry the conversation. My grandfather always told me “not to bother with people” though so I never really go far out of my way to connect. And I’m shy I guess. Growing up my mom was super chatty, never had to say much so I didn’t. I’m used to being around people who are more talkative than myself so I just let them do the talking. I believe it was Hemingway who said “a writer should write.” So ever since I left my ex I’ve been kind of in need of a new social scene. Previously I mostly hung out with my ex and his friends and his brother and his brother’s friends. And that was chill and everything but when it was over he got to keep all of them. And I’m more than OK with that. So I have met a few new people here and there but none really seem to stick. Again, normally people gravitate toward me and we click. When that click happens it’s always like ‘omg i need in my life like all the time’. I have a lot of friends just not in the Capital Region. How important friends are in the grand scheme of things, I guess it depends. I’m torn between my desire to get all the shit done that I want to do and having people to chill with when I want to go out. I guess that in itself is the balance. Well I posted yet another ad on craigslist this time looking for someone who plays guitar who would like to back me up on open mics. Enter Dylan. 21, fresh-faced, transplant with hazel eyes. We originally planned to meet for coffee but after we exchanged pictures coffee was upgraded to drinks at Lucas Confectionary. Dylan had the rocker look down to a ‘T’, Leather jacket, medium length shaggy hair bushed back, converse sneakers but I didn’t expect him to be genuine, sincere, and deep. It’s yet to be determined what kind of relationship we’ll have- if any. But it was nice to meet a kindred spirit. Like myself, Dylan left his home state at 21. With $500 and he hopped in his yellow little Chevy and broke down somewhere in IL where he spent most of his cash on car repairs and drinks. He paid for all our drinks and drove me home.

We shall see if we meet again…
but I’m already not feeling quite so alone.
So thanks God for answering my prayers once again ๐Ÿ˜€

Not for the weak of heart

Got a little feisty a couple of weekends ago.
It all started on Friday the 13th when I was standing on the corner of washington and state st in front of Schenectady county community college. as i was standing there waiting for the bus i noticed that i was literally stopping traffic with the number of people slowing to a halt to check me out. it was then it dawned on me… I’m A Hottie. Sure I’ve known myself to be attractive but to myself I’m the same girl I always was. Like a dog that doesn’t realize it’s not a puppy anymore. That’s me. Ready to jump on my mama’s lap. I’ve done martial arts for about 11 months now and I’ve probably lost about 60 lbs. I know I’ve talked about my ‘dojo’ before but the amount of change I’ve gone through in the past months can’t be summed in the amount of lbs I’ve shed. First though I have lost about 60, I’m pretty fit. Still some excess weight to lose but not a lot of jiggle left. Other things are not as tangible. I feel so much happier and more confident. The self-worth definitely shot through the roof. At every stage though I can’t help but wonder, “What’s next”. It seems that the old adage ‘no rest for the wicked’ remains true. In my life celebration is short-lived for ever benchmark achieved. My latest achievement has been aquiring the ‘job of my dreams’ at a jewelry store. I set a goal. I pounded the pavement. I kept my focus. And I got the job. Of course after I started working is when the flood of calls and emails came in for interviews at other places. I definitely feel very blessed. I’ve worked the job for about 2 weeks ( today being the start of the 3rd) and I really like my job. I feel as if I made a right choice and found an industry where I feel I fit. Still, I’m left wanting. Not feeling as fulfilled as I thought I would. I can’t help but feel that making money aside, my life is lacking friendship and love. I have plenty of friends all over the world but few in the area and zero family. Maybe that would be ok but I can’t stand this cold weather and I’m always out in it walking and taking the bus. I get restless at times, ready for the next jump off. It seems I’m happiest when lifes moving too fast to stop and look around. Now I’m looking around and I’m thinking… summer is coming. Festivals, shows, and Phish. Summer is the time where the North East comes alive. Everyone has been hiding out and hibernating in the winter and once the nice weather hits everyone wants to tear it up. The idea of spending more time alone is way too much to bear. I often think of going home as throwing in the towl but maybe its not. I’m not from here. This place doesnt belong to me nor me to it. If I did go back to Arizona I would likely try to move before it gets too hott but it would never be a destination for me. Just a bump in the road on my journey to california. I remember the day after my 21st birthday. My estranged father of 19 years came home only to abandon me again, except this time in person. Suffice to say my relationships with men have mostly just been filled with disappointment. It’s really all I know to expect from them at this point. So maybe someday I meet someone who can make me feel differently, but until that day it seems like it would be better to live somewhere near people I love and not alone in the icy tundra.

Or maybe I’ll sign up for the peace corp.

of everyone I talk to no one believes in love anymore…
I’m starting to think they’re right.
Still, I feel that most of the love people search for is the one the comes from the divine. I said before that I was guilty of searching for love more than I was searching for God…that’s probably true of most people. A real ‘coming to Jesus’ moment happened for me after my last entanglement with my Ex. Every time I’ve had to see him so far he’s done nothing but disrespect me. But after the last time I felt so terrible I was really contemplating suicide. So I took a bunch of aspirin and drank all the booze I could find in my apartment. That was in January. So obviously I’m still standing. The circumstance pretty much broke me down so much that there was nothing left but my roots which turns out where Christian. Thinking about my friends growing up and my church up Tatum Blvd Church of Christ reminded me not just of what I was missing, but what makes me different. Why I’m always the one to give away my last dollar for someone else to have lunch when I don’t even know where my next meal is coming from…I’m different because I’m a Christian and I’ll never be like the same. I’ve tried to run from it but I can’t its part of who I am.
And I’m glad about that. But it doesn’t change the loneliness and need for community, friendship or love. I may just have to go home for that.

I came. I saw. I conquered. Part 1

CLOTHING DISRESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

every time i go to do laundry i see my roommates clothing sitting in a damp moldy pile on top of the dryer and I weep,

I weep for the clothes because they cannot weep for themselves (being all inanimate and shit).

good times. aside from the that the new headquarters is working out pretty well. except for her crazy cat named peanut that literally looks like it came back from the dead as some kind of demon possessed zombie cat. its almost always begging for food with these creepy meows, these crazy bugged out eyes, and some kind of weird sinus infection. when its not doing that its also not grooming its fur and its peeing on everything.

yay.

Peanut keeps coming to me like I’m responsible for something and I keep telling it “I’m not the one, cat, I’m not the one.”

This morning found The Sage Princess in the hospital for asthma. If I had a dollar for every time I ended up in the hospital due to my asthma… I really wouldn’t have that much money. Like $5 maybe? But with those $5 I could buy a couple of beef patties and coffee. Livin the dream ๐Ÿ˜‰ It was a good hospital visit. the staff was very nice and actually acted like they cared. awh. i’m so used to be people being like “fuck you and fuck whatever your trying to do” but I’ve been really blessed lately with an influx of people who love me ๐Ÿ˜€

Like I had a really important/career-life changing interview last week and my “friend” totally bailed on me at the last minute. So I did the ritual ‘hit up every person i know for a ride’ routine that I pretty much save for emergencies like such and a new friend emerged whom also happened to be from my local radio station. so the local radio station gave me a ride. it just sounds cool. and it was because she was super nice and i’m totally buying her a beer when I get paid (because i got the job!)

I’m glad my days of unemployment are coming to an end, but i must admit i did not get nearly as much done as I had hoped. freelance writing career-wise. I did buy a domain name for the Modern Scribe and get the Facebook set up more. There is definitely more opportunities in writing that I simply haven’t taken advantage of. But that’s OK. If you know me you know I can kind of be single-minded. ย When I set my mind to something nothing else is important, in fact other things almost cease to exist. This “take no prisoners” attitude has gotten me in trouble a few times.

I think its pretty ridiculous that I can be so outrageous and so timid at the same time. Looking forward to my bestie coming to town next friday. We’re pretty much the dynamic duo dreams are made of ๐Ÿ˜€

Page 3

I really have hope for this page. Hope is good. hold on to that. Take it with you when you leave.
And god forbid you forget it. ( god forbid that!)
the long and winding road…
that leads…
to your grave.
[dont forget boys and girls that hope is the tear away part of the ticket your conducter keeps on your train ride to hell]
Oh no did I scare you?
[Boo!]
well thats the way it should be.
I’m the big scary monster that goes rawr
and stuff and your the little girl that goes SCREAM.
[oh god its coming]
what?
[its pure agony]
mmmm so beautiful i might die from the sight first
[i can taste the salt already]
Opps did you lose something?
my heart.
oh no you lost that years ago.
really? i could of sworn it was just recently.
your hands…they’re all bloody…
Please dont let him take me. I’ll be good I promise… Oh, all this sin? I swear it comes off with a hot shower.
Not too hot, im not an egg- you know?
whose to say we’re not all just eggs?
silly girl. your not an egg, your the frying pan.
In that case the hotter the better.
_______________________________
*Originally written in 2009 and posted to Myspace 5/29/2009