It never gets easier to leave love behind
It’s raining in Rochester
Crying just like me
The bus pulled in to Syracuse just shy of 1am.
I checked my boarding ticket and my connecting bus doesn’t make depart until 6 am.
Because im a procrastinator
Because i LOVE throwing myself into the fray
Im on my way to Albany in a cab
I’ve got $80 and a one way ticket to Rochester baby 😉
Not sure what will befall me, but my present self is already changed from my future experience
All i got are prayers, hope and gratitude at this point
Im excited. And ive decided that whenever dreams fall apart it just means im not dreaming big enough
Skys the limit!
Adios Albany, see you in the gap!
Today has been GREAAATTTTT
actually this whole freaking week as been great
First, had an interview monday at a spa and it went so well i had my second interview on tuesday. the second interview was in saratoga and I ended up having another interview out there to make the trip even more worthwhile. the additional interview was for this cute little coffee shop. the best part was that the owner is reallly really nice. I feel like I would’ve gotten job on the spot had I just lived closer to saratoga ( 2 hours of buses is not feasible) HOWEVER the manager is looking for a writer for his blog. A nice little telecommute position that I would love to rock. So I sent over some writing samples and we will see what happens.
Back at the gym, I kind of resolved myself to talk to you know who today. I was determined. Excited even. And we all know I score 100% of the things I resolve to do. Well I bitched out. And it has me thinking that it’s for the best. Not because I don’t want to know this person, not because I’m not totally attracted to them or because I don’t think their super amazing in so many ways and not even because I have any other ties, attachments or baggage… it simple just isn’t right. I feel like I shouldn’t have to force myself to do something that should come naturally. I want to know him, badly, but apparently I’m not ready. I think I have some more evolving to do and maybe he does too because at the end of the day neither can really seem to cross that bridge. I’ve come a long long looooonnnnngggg way from where i’ve started and it really is ‘only a few angstroms left to go’ and yet something inside me says ‘no’. to be honest i want him to take those steps towards me. but on the flip side of that it’s not like there have been many upon many opportunities for us to break that ice and every time i shut it down by replying to a question mark with a period statement.
K: “what’s up?
i think or i know that it goes back to Bri Bri
well let me put it this way, when Brian and I “broke up” so to speak, I left west coast/south west… now mix that kind of emotional nakedness with the intimacy of sex too… what am I going to do, leave the planet?
“I’ll take a one way ticket to Jupiter please. Nevermind the whole not able to sustain life thing…i’m good with that.”
Yeah… and it’s not to say that fear should hold me back from what could be the best relationship of my entire life, but it is to say that it’s worth taking it “slow” and granted it can’t go much slower than this or else to two of us will be moving backwards but I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past year and accepted myself for who i am and i cannot make myself do something if something inside me says wait. So 2x things…
1) i have some growing to do. some confidence building. whatever you want to think of it as…
2) Song of Solomon Chapter 2 verse 7: “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
And so I guess my love does not desire to be awaken yet…
and if the timing is wrong then it isn’t right. i know the amount and quality of the love I have to give and it is out of this world. so i’m worth the wait. and if he sees that then maybe he’s the one.
and if not, then i’m clearly not the one for him.
(which would suck because i think he’s perfect ❤ )
Grace thinks I should read Song of Solomon with my future hubby on our wedding night. I think that would be beautiful. It is such an amazing book in the bible and it has kept me so encouraged through this ‘drought’ ughhhhhhhh the truth is I spent 4 years with my rebound, i cannnnnnnooooootttt just be with someone ever again just to not be alone so….
Whoever, wherever he is… I’m waiting for him. Some day the RIGHT man WILL come along and scoup me up in his arms and the whole wide world will just melt away. And i’ll be his forever and ever. Until that day comes the only thing I can do is keep working on my shiiiiiiiiiitttt
Super excited for Rochester. I think I’ve made a couple of friends already. And NOT craigslist friends either. Whatever is coming it’s going to be amazing.
i know i said goodbye earlier, but you know better right?
Are in my future
On a snowy day in January ,
Alycia stares out the window of the living room her shared apartment, watching & thinking to herself
How did I get here?
It’s hard to say where my story begins… birth obviously. Before that even. The circumstances that lead my parents to meet… My grandfather and his wife, their circumstances that made them who they were…
I can definitely say my life got interesting when I met Brianna Allen.
“Hey Alycia are you busy right now?” a female voice asked in the distance, pulling Alycia back from her thoughts.
“Are you busy right now?” the voice repeats the question. It was Moya.
Alycia blinks, confused for a moment. “I guess not.” It was a statement but came out sounding more like a question.
“Good. How about an assignment.”
“What’s the assignment?” Alycia said cautiously.
Moya plopped a manila folder down on the coffee she was sitting at. “There is a training facility located in the area. They’re called The Sovereign.”
Alycia opened the file and leafed through it: there were pictures of the building including access points and pictures of various employees/members.
“OK. I don’t understand.” Alycia said staring at the file and then back at Moya.
“I want you to infiltrate them.”
“Well I get that but why? Who are these people?”
Annoyed, Moya replied “Our client is Dante Zaza. Mr. Zaza’s property was stolen from him by these people and he has hired us to get back”
Alycia turned back to the file and looked through more carefully. From the outside the building looked normal enough, like a generic office space. On the inside it was large and vapid with one large room empty mostly and many additional rooms that appeared to be hidden from the naked eye but reveled through the ariel heat map. There were only two ways into the building, one through the front door and one through the back. There didn’t appear to be any additional ways to get in. Maybe there is a sewer entrance.
“I’m going to tell you right now the easiest way to get in is through the front door.”
“Oh so simple! Why didn’t I think of that” Alycia replied sarcastically “I’ll just waltze right in and ask for the stolen property. Honesty after all is the best policy.”
Everyone had been on edge for the past couple of weeks, ever since the ‘incident’. Neither Peggy, Alycia, or Moya attempted to talk about what happened, fearing it would stir old feelings and lead to another fight. Peggy and Moya were barley speaking and they put Alycia right in the middle of their dispute. Tensions were high. And for the first time Alycia was not sure if she could trust Moya. Peggy was certain she could not.
Ignoring her snarkyness Moya replied, “Your going to go in as a student. Among their many capabilities, one of the services they provide is teaching people how to fight and defend themselves.”
“Um, I know how to fight.”
Alycia interrupted “And their going to know that I know how to fight”
“How do you figure?”
Alycia stood up and raised her sleeves revealing muscles, she raised her shirt revealing abs and said “Aside from the obvious, it’s not that easy to pretend to be helpless. If someone throws a punch at me I’m going to block it. It’s muscle memory.” Alycia looked back down at the file. “Plus I recognize this one.” She pointed at a male in one of the pictures. He was on in photo, and barley in it at that. Down in corner of the picture was his face. The picture was black and white but it was clear that it was the blue eyed one from before. “He’ll definitely recognize me. And he knows I know how to fight.”
“How does he know that?” Moya asked reviewing the picture.
“Cause he was there on the steven parker assignment. He saw me take out 15-20 guys. I think he’ll remember that”
“How come you never mentioned him before?”
“What’s was to mention, he was one of the guys there”
“But not one of the guys you “took out” it sounds like …he’s cute.”
“Is he? I hadn’t noticed.” Alycia looked away, staring out the window again. The snow had picked up pace. Moya knew Alycia was lying.
“Alycia, you could pick out a cute guy in the middle of mural if you were supposed to be searching for waldo. You want to lie to yourself, fine, but you can’t lie to me. I know you too well for too long.”
They were both silent for a moment until a whistling sound of the tea kettle started.
“What color were his eyes? They look light in this picture.”
“They were blue.”
“I don’t know if you can handle this assignment maybe I should ask Margaret. ”
“I’ll do it!” Alycia snapped, grabbing the folder and clutching it to her chest. “I can handle it.”
Moya walked away and returned with a tray of tea. She poured them both a glass and added milk and honey to both. They both sat down and Alycia leaned back in her chair resting her feet on the windowsill. It was snowing heavy now.
“So tell me about him”
“Well there’s not much to say. He came with other guards after Steven pushed the silent alarm. He didn’t try to fight me, nor did he defend the others. He wasn’t dressed like them either. I don’t think he was security. He just watched.”
Alycia left out the elevator ride upstairs together and the part where she blew him a kiss. She also left out how this man seemed to be huanting her. Be it dreaming or waking she seemed to see him everywhere.
“So waltzing in there is out… any other suggestions? ”
“No. Your going to waltze in there and ask to join them” Moya got excited. “It’s perfect! Better than being a student, you have the skill, your smart as hell, and this ones seen you in action -i highly doubt they’ll turn you away. They may not trust you initially but thats ok.”
Alycia didn’t like where this was heading but said nothing. After all she killed people for a living sometimes. Yet she felt like she did it with a sense of integrity, she didn’t like being deceived nor did she want to be a deciever. Plus she had feeling it would be difficult to lie to this one and she was already not a great liar, preferring the truth in most circumstances. Still she went along with the plan, for now at least.
“Who is this client, Dante Zaza?”
“He is a powerful and very rich resident. Old money.”
“What was stolen from him?”
“All this over a book?!”
“It’s priceless and irreplaceable”
Alycia knew Moya would start to get angry of she asked too many questions so she turned her attention back to file and sipped her tea.
“Finish your tea and let’s go.” Moya ordered.
“Where are we going?”
“We have a meeting with the client, Dante.”
Alycia looked back out the window disappointed. ughhhh. she thought this is not what i had planned to do today. business had been slow lately and peggy and alycia both had to pick up some additional jobs. Alycia picked up a part time office job at a detective agency. Although she was hired as a receptionist she had managed to talk her way into picking up some PI duties. She chuckled as she referred to herself as a “Private Dick”. Her additional duties meant late hours and today had been her day off. She had hoped to be smoking a fatty and watching the shitty weather from the comfort of her heated apartment. Now she had to change and put on mad clothes. She gulped back her tea and stood up.
“I’m going to change then I’ll be ready” she said.
“Don’t take forever”
In her bedroom, Alycia went over to her dresser and pulled out a pair of skinny jeans. Then she grabbed her pink cashmere sweater. She enjoyed wearing bright colors as much as she could because generally both positions required her to wear black. Then she went to the bathroom and put on some make up. She stayed with a natural look. She brushed her and checked herself out in the full length mirror. Her jeans were high waisted and accentuated her hour glass figure and her sweater was form fitting and cropped. i look hot hot hot she thought as she shook her hips and did a little dance. It was her happy dance. She wasn’t excited about going out into the cold but she loved an opportunity to get ready. Part of getting ready involved taking a drag of the fatty she had hidden her bra. Satisfied, she put on a nice nude shade of lipstick and joined Moya.
“Ready?” Moya asked.
“Yes ma’am” she replied as she put on a pair of insulated black combat boots. The two took their leave.
“Is this seat taken?” A soft male voice said besides me. I looked up over my sholder, sitting up slighty and puffing my chest out as I did.
“Oh shit.” I thought to myself. It was Jordan Cohen.
Last time I had seen Jordan Cohen he was breaking my heart…
I was 21 at the time and in the middle of getting kicked out of my parent’s house by my father and just shy of getting arrested. It was my birthday. I was wearing a skin tight forest green wrap dress with no undearwear. With no place to go, the police allowed me to make some phone calls before i was ordered to take my leave. I was dating Jordan at the time so I called him first and asked if I could stop by, use his phone and collect myself. He said no and I was left stranded in Phoenix at 3 in the morning in the dead of winter. I never saw or spoke to Jordan again,
My lips parted and I raised my right eyebrow.
“No.” I said. Jordan smiled a half smile. I should of “yes” as in this seat IS taken, i meant “no” as in you can’t sit here but I had forgotten the question. Jordan pulled the bar stool out and sat down next to me.
“Long time no see, Alycia.”
He looked me up and down. I had just left a client. I was wearing a tight black halter dress. It was floor length with a dramatic plunge in the front. My hair was pulled up in a bun and my lips were a particularly shocking shade of red. His eyes glazed over and became intense. Bedroom eyes. I could tell he regretted his decision February 5 2010. I returned the once over. I had admit that Jordan looked pretty good too -like he hadn’t aged a day. Except in the way boy turns into a man, growing into his features. And adulthood looked fucking sexy as hell on him. I stared into Jordan’s light blue eyes. He had full but slim lips, i remember them being soft to kiss. He stilled rocked the shaggy blonde hair and gauges look even though he was dressed in a suit.
“Like what you see?” He asked, darkly.
“I do. It’s good to see you Jordan. Looks like life’s has been good to you.”
“I could say the same about you, better even… you look great baby.” He leaned in closer to me and I could smell his perfume. It cool like a ocean breeze but left a sweet aftertaste. I bit my lip…
“Jordan…” i trailed off. Feeling a mixture of lust and anger. “I’m not your ‘baby’.” I struggled slightly getting the words out, my lust growing stronger than my anger. I bit my lip again and he leaned back first looking at my lips then shifting his gaze to my eyes. We stared at each other for a moment.
“Sorry.” He said at last. The bartender came by a broke up the tension.
“I’ll have a rum and coke for myself and another of whatever she was drinking on me”
“So what are you doing these days kid?”
“Espionage. You?” I was blunt knowing Jordan would most likely think i was being coy but would be smart enough not ask too many questions.
“What are you doing?”
“Business in day, partying in the night”
I didn’t doubt it, nor did I feel the urge to know more. We sat in silence as the bartender came back with our drinks.
Three drinks later (on Jordan’s tab) we were laughing and having a great time. I had forgotten how easy he is to talk to and funny. I was starting to feel sloppy so I knew it was time to call it quits.
“I should get going… i need to eat”
“I’m staying here, we could get room service.” Jordan didnt miss a beat. I bit my lip again and watched his eyes grow dark. I knew if I went upstairs with him I’d be on him like white on rice. I raised my eyebrow still biting ny lip. Ultimately, my heart said no.
“Raincheck?” I asked standing up. He stood and pulled out his wallet leaving $100 on the bar.
“I’ll walk you out.”
Jordan escorted me to the lobby of the hotel and swiftly pulled me close to him. I gasped, taken by surprise. He pulled me close to him and kissed me. I tensed at first and then relaxed, throwing my arms around him. It was late (or early depending on your perspective) and the lobby was empty. As soon as my arms were around his neck he pulled me tighter in his arms and shifted one hand to my butt. I could feel his erection against me and i moaned. My body was ready to say fuck it (or fuck me) but a thought appeared in my mind “No!!!!”. I bit his lip hard to jarr him and it worked. He relaxed his arms.
“I can’t, Jordan” i said looking down, slightly ashamed at myself for getting so carried away.
He titled my head up and kissed my softly and passionately. His eyes met mind as he took a step back and there was sincerity in them. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a business card and handed it to me.
“Call me if want to leave this life behind and settle down. I’ve got beachside property baby and California king bed.”
“What are you offering to make a ‘honest woman out of me?” I laughed.
“I’m serious. Call me.” He said, then he kissed me again lightly and left me in the lobby. I looked down on his card. It read:
Sigh. I tooked the card in my bra and headed for the door. Back to work.
back at the HRCH
been jamming to some blues and now some alternate rock
so glad i found this place. it’s not as “comfy” as the Psychadelicatessan but the vibe is on point. All the workers are really nice and the spot is open to 11pm most nights. I didn’t make the open mic last night unfortunately, inspiration lead me elsewhere.
Today I am here working. I haven’t sealed the deal with my first “client” yet but i’m hopeful.
Hopeful in general. I realized a couple of nights ago that even though things are rough there is possibility that come my 27th birthday I’ll not only be in the best shape of my life but I could also have a modeling contract with a top agency AND be Miss New York. Sure the latter is a long shot, especially since I don’t even have the dough for the registration fee….however when I’m standing back and looking at the big picture not only is it really ‘not so bad’ it’s actually pretty damn fantastic.
Hope is everything. So I’ll continue to dream big and know that everyday I’m closer to greatness.
Anyways I always enjoy my unemployed routine. I mean obviously the lack of funds is serious suckage but aside from that I love waking up when I please (unless I have an interview or class) and I staying up as late as I please (usually regardless of the activities of the next day) and just going with the proverbial flow. Like yesterday. Yesterday I actually DID have an interview however, my first bus pulled up to the bus stop late and i missed my transfer. I called to reschedule like a good girl but I doubt I’ll actually hear from them again which is fine. Because to be honest their office is just not accessible for me and would ultimately be really shitty to commute too. I have another interview coming up in July but I need money now LOL like rent is due next week and my phone the week after that and then mma classes probably the week after that and national grid is threatening to turn the power off like anyday now. Suffice to say I need a job like two weeks ago. So today I signed up for a website where I can sell used panties online. Weird right. In Japan the have whole vending machines where a guy can go get is used panty on. I love that I have a friend who would share such a site with me. Like think about who would be interested in selling her used panties online- oh let me tell Alycia. Thanks because you’re absolutely right. Someone wants to be some my used thong I’m not going to stop them. In fact it makes me a little hot to think about some creepy sniffing my stinky underwear and getting a hard on. And apparently the longer you wear them the more their worth. Score.
Today I am also looking up places to stay in Rochester. I contacted a few potential hosts. Fingers crossed someone comes through. I’m thinking that meeting up with some locals is a great way to get acquainted with the city on a budget. Maybe I’ll score a date or two and free dinner. Oh and maybe get a lead on a job while I’m out there.
Anyways, back to yesterday…omg i get so off topic so fast. It’s like my brain wants to go so many directions at once. Which is why I have such a hard time sticking to things… just know you’ll lose me in public if I come by something shiny. After I missed my transfer bus I decided to enter the plaza, the Empire State Plaza. It is the heart of downtown Albany. It’s where I worked at the Legislative Gazette so I am pretty familiar. But there is a lot going on there. There is food venues, an outdoor concert venue, the egg (indoor concert venue), a museum and state offices. It’s pretty legit. I went to the bathroom to find a quiet place to make a call and the bathroom I found had some sick mirrors. So i got to check myself out full length and damnnn I loved what I saw. I’ve really come so far with my weight loss. I feel like I’m so close to being complete. Complete’s not the right word there but whatever. After checking myself out I got a call from Marse and I ended up talking to her for the following 4 hours. She was driving through Florida to see her Mom. I ended up at some cafe where I spent too much money on soup, an Asiago bagel and cream cheese, Asiago bread sticks, and a large toasted coconut iced coffee. Even though I’m a broke ass I still eat damn good when I eat. Shittt. The bagel and cream cheese was for later. ( My sensi says that bagels contain like 9 slices of bread- crazy!!! i still choose to eat it cause I figured 9 slices of bread should be filling) While I was eating my Asiago sticks and soup a friend of the WM’s walked by ( i know I said i wasn’t going to call him that but I like the anonymity of it). It was weird. I think he saw me. I continued to chat with Marse while sitting for a while and then departed. I ended the day at my friend Lisa’s house. Her house is like a California vibe-time wrap. Her and Alyn love vintage things and they have a really good eye! Lisa told me my laptop case was genuine ostrich. How awesome. She actually asked me if it was Prada ( it’s not). So I guess I have a good eye too! What what. Towards the end of my visit, Peggy’s ex boyfriend came over…Martin. Martin is a large Puerto Riccan who drives a ford I think in some silver/teal/metallic color. I used to like him a lot but not anymore. Not sure what his and Peg’s relationship is all about but I get a bad energy off him. Yesterday it was real strong, suffocating almost. It’s my fault for hanging out though when Lisa told me he was stopping by. I had been forewarned. I got the impression he was hoping I get hit by a car as I left. I gave him the ‘horns’. It’s a hand symbol that wards off the evil eye. And yet I was still left with a feeling that I couldn’t shake until I got home.
Fast forward to today. Like I said I’ve started sorting through my sssshhhiitttt. I have way too much shiiiiiiiiittttttt. And I gotta find a place to put my shiiiiiittttttt. I hate being homeless sometimes and sometimes I love it. I know I’ve done my fair share of bitching about my current residence but really I am truly truly grateful that Ange let me move in. It’s really not bad at all. Saturday I am checking out a room rental in Colonie and Monday I have an interview in Colonie. I’m hopeful but not getting my hopes up. Again it’s not about finding something else as much as finding the right thing. I know that the right thing is going to be what comes through. So I’m excited for that because I hate having my shit all up in the air like so.
Still, there is clarity in chaos and truth in sadness. I say truth in sadness because I feel that people are quick to suggest that feelings of sadness are related to some sort of clinical depression. It’s my personal opinion that people through these medical terms around too much. I’m obviously not a doctor. And i’m not disputing that there is such a thing as clinical depression where the chemicals in the brain are off balanced leading to a sadness that seems unshakable. But my mom said something wise once to her own doctor which was she had a reason for feeling sad and choose not to be medicated because of it. I am actually feeling happy. Reallllly happy. I have amazing friends. Opportunity. And i’m a beautiful, smart, resourceful, bad ass young woman. My relationships are really important to me. And I’m blessed that one of my friends was released from prison today! Kyle ❤ He had been convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping. Kyle, a Pisces, has had troubled life. And at a very young age he’s dealt with homelessness, living on the street, drugs…you name it. He has a beautiful soul though and I’ve missed talking to him. Happy to have back in my life. ( can i just say that dammmnnnn he looks good.) I can’t wait to really catch up and hear his stories. I’m going to write about it for The Modern Scribe and try to get it published. I’m sure he was some very interesting things to share.
back to the grinnnnddddd…
tomorrow class, room viewing, annnndddddd possible trying out for the Albany rollerderbyyy
So here is my bio for the panty website…I may have a career waiting for me in erotica:
“For the most part I am classy lady. I love black and white cinema, day adventures and traveling, and eating coffee with cheesecake at 10 am. You can find me in a pair of sexy black heels and red lipstick almost any day of the week…Maybe I’ll be walking around my house naked, or showing up at your place with scandalous lingerie hiding beneath my trench coat. Regardless, wherever I am, whatever I’m doing…I’ll be tight, wet, and thinking of you. I may be “The Little Lady” but I have a nice big ass just waiting to be bitten. Are you up for a challenge?”