Finally started cleaning my room tonight
what makes it such an undertaking of a task is the fact that my room is tiny and i have a LOT of stuff (especially clothes)…and it is hard to rearrange things and find home for things when everything is just everywhere in a small space.
today my big adventure was going to my bodega for a lucy: my favorite thing about New York is the proximity of ‘bodegas’ or corner stores. Most sell ‘lucys’ or a single cigarette and my favorite BEEF PATTIES. No beef patties today ( 😥 )
So I know I’ve spoken a lot about the book in the Bible, Song of Songs. Honestly I’ve been kind of obsessed lately, obsessed in a healthy way. I had my own epiphany as I was reading it (around 2-3am ) this morning…I started feeling encouraged. I will just mention a couple of things and then I won’t talk about it again in this post ( I hope I’m not becoming a broken record).
First, I’ve been doing some research on the book as it is rather a controversial book for Christians. Reason being it is quite graphic ( not at all graphic by today’s standards) and it’s also cryptic. There are many Christians out there that believe that the book is one big allegory representing the relationship between man/woman and God. Personally, I don’t buy it. And I think that ideology robs SOS of its beauty ( not because God’s love for is isn’t beautiful- it is, but the bible is full of examples of how great and grand his love for us is. SOS is stunning in the way that it shows that the love between man and woman can be grand and wonderful in its own right). As with all else that is good in this world ( and bad as the case may be) God created it. God made us in such a way that we enjoy sex ( not all creatures on this planet do) and I think its a problem in these times that there isn’t a whole lot of in between. Meaning, sex tends to be looked at either in a prolific way or a sinful way or a plain/boring/vanilla kind of way ( mostly not even talked about it within the church). As a result I think it turns people off from having a relationship with God because one might feel ashamed for their sexual urges or their past sexual history. Having cohabited with a man and having had a sexual relationship with him that was outside of marriage, I remember feeling so terrible about it: I knew what I was doing was not glorifying God and I felt that I was at a crossroads that deeping that relationship with God was going a different direction than being with Nick and I was right and I choose Nick ( I choose Nick desperately and anxiously: always praying and hoping that relationship would grow and flourish but always feeling empty and like I was giving, giving, giving but not getting much back). I’m glad I did because what I know now is that that whole time I still had a relationship with Christ and even though I was turning my back on him he was still with me every step of the way and it was all part of a bigger picture that I couldn’t see it. After that relationship was over I thought initially that I was going to fall into my next relationship and off I’d go into a different direction but I was wrong…
Or in a way I was right, I just didn’t understand that that relationship was with myself and with Christ/God. And during that time I needed that personal space to really first find myself again and for the first time but also accept myself, really see myself for who I am -the good, the bad, the ugly- and LOVE myself. I spent a lot of time looking and looking for someone else and just not finding anyone that I could really connect with(except the one person I did want to spend time with and did feel a connection with, but refused to speak to). During that time though I came back to center: I found that silly, stubborn, passionate, and loving ‘little lady’ (my Grandfather’s nickname for me ❤ ) that I’ve always been again.
BUT as a humanbeing and as a young woman with a sexual history (albiet not a huge one, and not really a great one…) I am really looking forward to sex. It’s worth waiting for because I know next time it will be intimate, it will be an expression of love. Just because I’m Christian, I don’t think that dirty, kinky, freaky sex is off the table it’s just about the context. And the context of SOS is beautiful and it’s graphic and it’s a man who meets a woman who he doesn’t want to be without and as their relationship grows the couple gets to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.
What was encouraging about my reading this morning were the passages in which the lovers reaffirm their feelings for each other. I’ve been in an anti-love funk: not having it & wanting it realllllly makes it hard to hear about it butttt instead of feeling sad, I felt excited! I felt excited because for the first time (ever) I can say ( or write) that there IS someone out there for me and every day I grow closer to having him in my life, whoever he is.
My beloved is mine and I am his ( SOS 2:16).
Place me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm;
For love is as strong as death, Its jealousy unyielding as the grave (SOS 8:6).
[I am] a secret garden, a private and pure garden (SOS 4:12).
And so tonight I clean my room and I prepare for days to come. I will be moving within the next month or so, relocating most likely to Albany. No plans that are concrete at this point, but I figure for now I will see if going back to HVCC this fall is a feasible option. If it is then come fall I will be working in Colonie, doing my MMA classes, and working on getting my associates degree. I will continue to grow in my faith and seek community with other Christians in whatever way I can. If I do not end up going back to school this fall then I will likely pick up a second job and start reallly (really, really) saving money and then I think I will follow through on my dream to move to Seattle. We’ll see, it is impossible to plan because life can change in an instance. And we all know how I just love to go with the flow. But for now at least I find comfort in the fact the I am moving towards something and completely my number 1 goal for the year is my main commitment, it will be a great reward and a gift to myself. I just don’t feel sick over it anymore: I’m confident that I will achieve it and therefor, in a way, I already have. The war is won, even though the battle rages on.
❤ i feel peace in my heart.