I’M SO EXCITED FOR MY NEW JOB!!!!!!!!

πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

i’m going to call them tomorrow and see if i can start earlier

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Im thinking right now that ive gotten a little carried away with myself and there are a lot of other people with lives worth writing about and i should spend some time writing about them too

into the gap

i applied for two local modeling agencies today

a modeling school

and i got a call back on a job, I start aug 6th πŸ˜€ it’s full-time retail and it starts at a higher base rate than my last position. plus it’s right around the corner from my dojjj.

in the meantime, had a talk with my roommate and neither of us can afford this apartment so it looks like i am definitely moving again.

some feel that change is scary,

i feel that to be stagnant is scary

i am ready to go go gooo.

someday i’ll write a survival guide for young woman. if i’m not an expert, then my friends surely are. Moms worried about me (even though she just got out of the freaking hospital!) but I was able to say proudly today: It’s Going To Be OKAY πŸ˜€
(had she asked me yesterday i would not have said the same)

this is what is…the adventure…the thrills… the ups and downs. Yes sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it shreds my heart to pieces. Sometimes it means being a little hungry or whatever and sometimes it’s spending the last dollar in your pocket on bus ticket and a dream…it isn’t easy but i’m glad i’m living a life WORTH WRITING ABOUT.

and i wouldn’t trade that for all the comfort in the world.

❀ ❀ ❀

P.S.

today i realized that i don’t have to fear what i have “to show” for my life.

yes goals and aspirations are good (GREAT actually, important and necessary), and i have them in spades and i’ll keep having them and working towards them…

but all i really have to do is LIVE. We all leave this world the same way at some point in time or another. Death is just a precursor to the next great adventure.

Deprivation

It’s late and i can’t sleep
Had a [mostly] uneventful weekend with my friend Maya. Lately my emotions are kind of everywhere … i guess the word ‘lately’ is kind of an understatement. A year and a few months ago I met this person and I don’t think there has ever been such a significant event in my life ever. Well I can’t stop thinking about him in a way that everything else seems to lack meaning. Like wandering a desert parched, everything is dull and monochromatic brown. Taupe, my friend Lisa would say. My friends say “forget him” “move on” “shit or get off the pot” but I can’t- as much as this person is always on my mind I don’t seem to want to take a step closer so I just thirst. It’s almost sick actually. It feels like cutting myself. And yet I just won’t stop.

So I’ve rereading the metroland. A few things struck me, 1) the imposter said I would be “praying”. Also I have to admit although I was mad that someone else was putting words in my mouth …They weren’t too far off in what they were saying

And 2) the way ‘angstroms’ says ‘you’re worth it’ ..it was written around the same time i published “the time of the lone wolf is over” and said IF he was the one for me then he’d see that I’m worth it. It’s not the fact that he sees it but that we wrote that around the same time.

What i don’t understand is why denied writing to me in the isawu column because i feel almost certain that it is him. Regardless this situation is like driving me crazy at this point.

Got into a little bit of a fight last night with murdera. He’s feeling a little butt hurt that i cut our date short (and that I brought up another guy haha) and he decided to be spiteful. So know i guess he’s telling anyone that will listen how much of a bitch i am.

Classy πŸ˜‰ i realized this weekend people say/do anything to try and bring you down just because whatever greatness they see in you makes the feel inadequate. Now that recognize it, I wont let it get to me. No one can diminish my accomplishments.

Ughhh I can’t sleep! The way Athena was born out of Zeus’ skull is how heavy this person is on my mind.

Level one test in Krav Maga next week and I’m nervous! This is going to be my first fight! It’s time to level up though. In more ways than one. I’m very bored with what I got going on right now.

And i actually can’t wait to “run my fingers through his fur”

2 things

1) i think i need to start shying away from craigslist

business, personal, or otherwise ( i can’t believe no one is interested in my sick 42in tv!)

2) my love letter to myself has me inspired to start checking out other famous love letters

time to research because by next Valentines day TMS is going to be a legit thing

(technically already is legit)

and I know I’ll have a valentine ❀

Maybe I would of had a Valentine last feb 14 if instead of asking WM out in Nov I would of asked him to be my future valentine. Marse discouraged me from doing this ( would of gone something like this: “will you be my valentine, since thats 3 months away we can first be friends” or something similar but better worded).

Whatever… I’m glad things worked out the way they did. Que Sera Sera

Blank Digital Document - Blank

I did however write a wicked cool ad for a date to the Troy Pig Out

FYI, to the that every knowing all seeing EYE IN THE SKY who likes to flag down all my posts ( mmmhmmm i see you) I’ve already removed it. But here it is in all its glory. Justifying that I am totally capable of writing some slamming personal ads.

screenshot-post.craigslist.org 2015-07-10 13-58-23

PS.

I think I’ll venture out to Saratoga county and get a library card

before they start putting a wanted sign of my face up

‘WARNING: DO NOT GIVE THIS WOMAN A LIBRARY CARD!’

I still have a book from schenectady county and i owe troy/albany like $17

On a side note, I’m thinking about going back to HVCC next semester. I know I was really looking forward to RSC but I already have like a year in at HVCC and I only had like one bad semester. We’ll seeeee….

‘Sight not Site’

Kind of ironic when you post something publicly hoping it’ll attract attention to your ‘professional’ writing service and you make error in your writing

:/

Annnnddddd, I also have to say that I did not coin the phrase “chivalry is dead” haha

but i got to thinking about it so I googled the word because to be honest I had a general idea what the word represented but I didn’t know what the world actually meant. And it basically refers to a medieval knight:

screenshot-www.google.com 2015-07-10 13-30-33

…the word according to google.

So in way chivalry is dead at least in the way that this is no longer the medieval time period.

Some would say feminism killed the notion of chivalry for men back in the 70s or whatever. While feminist are extreme I think there are somethings the people can do for each be they man or woman that would fall in line with what I think of chivalry to be which is loyal, faithful, brave, strong… I guess the modern day use of the word is more or less in relation to a “damsel in distress” which is a guess a woman who can’t help herself. I feel I can emphasize with both definitions. Sometimes I’m a knight, sometimes I’m a femme fatale, sometimes I’m a damsel in distress.I don’t think the definitions of any of those terms are expansive enough to cover a whole persons identity.

Today I feel like a wrecking ball.

Being constructive is not as easy as been destructive.

Today I’m trying to think if ways to generate business. I’ve written some pretty fab personal ads, so I think I’ll start there.

I was serious about that class to teach guys how to be men. I’d like to expand on that.

Same shit

3 interviews this week that all went really well. No instant positions though so now, I wait.

Time to pack and shed baggage.
Too many things.

They didn’t publish my responses in the ML, probably for the best but I guess we will see. Nothing more from “angstroms” also probably for the best.

I’m so beyond done I need a need word.

Don’t know why I’m bothering with interviews anyways when I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE.

Smh. I wish whatever hold the capital region has on me would let go so i could just…

Go.

Meeting a new guy tonight.

And just because I can…i wrote to myself in the metroland:

Dear Beautiful Stranger,
We’re only strangers because fate hasn’t crossed our paths yet. I see you everywhere and you’re always a site for sore eyes. Sometimes your gorgeous in pink, other times sharp in black but my favorite is your brilliant red painted lips that make your eyes shine. Yours is a timeless beauty that will never fade but age like wine. I love you always, The Modern Scribe.

Seriously i think i should give classes on how to be a man.
These boys out here need help.
In the meantime, I’ll just have to sweep myself off my feet.
How romantic.

You heard it here first. Chivalry IS dead.

woke up feelingΒ Tungangry yesterday

(tired/hungry/angry)

the combination of tired and ‘ry’ equals a state of mind that is thisclose to being reduced to tears

i spent my last $4 catching the bus to go to EMA for the kick off of XMAS in July ( not sure what that entails but hopefully it’ll mean Christmas decorations). it was raining outside and that added to my grumpiness. i always miss my friends and family most around the holidays. growing up ma familia and I usually drove somewhere out in the desert and and parked in my grandpaw’s Pontiac grand am and watched lots of fireworks at a distance. However, I’ve had some of the best 4th of July’s out in New York! I remember the first one I spent with Marse, her then boyfriend Shamir, her cousin Taylor, and her future husband Jamie. We went to downtown Albany for the display. I think at the time I had never even left Schenectady! I know that first year in NY I looked at everything with a childlike awe and bright wide eyes. We were right in the middle of action with the display going on right over us, literally pieces of debris raining down on us, and the explosion rattling through me. It was epic.

the tears came when i was in my bathroom at the gym when i thought i forgot my gym shorts. i did forget them actually but i was unintentionally prepared with an extra pair of yoga stuffed in the bag i keep there.

then the workout really picked up my mood. my morning mauy thai partner was there and she’s really nice. we worked together and i let her take the lead.

we had a really great playlist of music that kept me super pumped.

but i still couldn’t do the one off the ground move- i hate them πŸ˜›

ok anyways, that was fun but i was determined not to spend the rest of the 4th alone so i hit up my friend maya. maya is cool and way more anti social then me. the best part of the day for sure is when her dad said i could play his drums. i found a new love for sure.

( so much so that i walked here today just to check them out again)

i noticed on facebook that i lot of the other peeps at the dojjj are sharing their gratitude and i felt inspired. it got me thinking about i can do show my appreciation. i have some good ideas so i’m pretty excited.

i invited maya to come to class with me sometime but she doesn’t seem very interested. i feel like it would be really great for her. and at the very least she could see the guy i like (you know that guy ;)) and she seemed slightly more interested and she said she’d think about it. she’s shy and i think the idea of working out in front of other people can be intimidating. but she said when she does come she wont act obvious around that guy. she’ll say hi if he says hi and then likely stare off into space. thats pretty much what i do so i said that’s perfect!!! hahahahaha

ha.

well, expanding on that i think i’m ready to start opening up more. im going to start carrying the “talking” feather i bought at the Hippies, Witches, and Gypsi’s store. It’s Native American and was made locally. Where i can’t remember. But it’s supposed to aid in communication. It can be used in group too to help solves disputes. So we’ll see if have a little bit more courage in social situations.

πŸ˜€

today i started cleaning my room and I found $18! it was check from my last job that I threw on the floor and forgot about. haha. well i almost swept it up and threw it away but… yay πŸ™‚ God is great! So I shouldn’t ever say “my last $” ever again because it’s never is!

I’m about to go walk and grab chocolate or something.

great things are coming i just have to be patient.

i can’t go camping.

ugh im just bored and i miss doing fun things with people i love but its time to taper my impulses a bit. i want to just focus my energy on doing something grand. i think that im ready to give my all to being a Christian. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. It’s definitely what I’m missing. that’s the kind of love that never ends. i think it’s everyone needs. it’s why we live in such an angry world. but it’s so hard to live in it and assimilate but not. i’ve definitely been hiding for too long though. i need to be so much more grateful for my life because it’s amazing. and it’s not guaranteed whatsoever.

and also just to be clear, i dont love that guy. he is just nice. but at the end of the day i know all the boys just want to hit it. i know not all of them but many. im glad though for the experiences i’ve had and the interesting people i’ve met because i need those experiences to really know myself being a good person is fluid experience but my commitment to myself and the person i want to be is fixed.

people are so vicious out in the world. it’s crazy. but there are amazing people out there. so many of them. i feel so blessed to have all of them in my life.

and i’m grateful for this metroland experience lol its fun. i can say that my life completely changed the moment i started going to the dojo. ❀ I was reallllllllly unhappy. Needed discipline… i don’t think i’ve ever had that lol i’m such a powerful person i just don’t know what how to concentrate that energy or just unleash it (and i still don’t, more but…)

but i gotta gotttttaaaaa not be stupid. lol

growing up is a bitch.