juss sayin

ok so standing still by definition is not in anyway synonymous with moving forward

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Fin.

You may have seen me when I didn’t want to be seen, but it’s clear I’m not the only one who is hiding. In fact you could argue that I’ve never actually hidden at all, maybe tried but failed time and time again as my presence proceeds me every time everywhere … I want to say thank you for seeing me when I couldn’t see myself, your attention helped set me back on my path though I’m still a bit unclear on what that is or where it leads… Seeing you is a high and afterwards I crash every time: the rollercoaster of emotions is unbearable especially since you write such beautiful things with no tangibility. Although it is likely that I will see you again, I’m afraid this is still goodbye. There must be a reason we can’t seem to close that distance, maybe it’s a good one. Speaking of ‘we’ it feels more like there’s you & then there’s me, could just be my “outside perspective” but that’s all I got.

PS.ย  I wish you love, happiness, and the very best of all life has to offer. Take care ๐Ÿ˜˜

That’s all I got… Sometimes standing still is a step forward. I wish I had a dollar for all the beautiful words/empty promises men had to offer but I’d be truly rich… Never met one who realized his actions speak louder, not just in beef patties either.

This for sure my last winter in this God forsaken wasteland . I’m ready for sunshine and family.

If you want to sing out, sing out

Back from a day of fun in the sun,

I could barely sleep last night I was so excited for my trip to Grafton with the Sanctuary group. I got up early and went to church at Terra Nova and then was picked up by Branda Miller and crew in her sweet convertible. We had plan to set out at 11 but didn’t actually until about 1130 and even then had to turn around and come back for another child. It was an adventure for sure.

This morning during church I couldn’t help but keep my phone close, constantly checking the time. I didn’t want to miss my ride. I was nervous a little bit, trying to keep myself from expecting the worst and hoping that Branda wouldn’t forget about me. Trust issues much? Yes! I pictured myself standing outside of Browns Brewery in tears when come 1015-1030 and no ride appeared. But I kept the faith and I’m so thankful that that didn’t happen! I got shotgun on the way to the Sanctuary and then again up to Grafton and we had a full car.

Time in Grafton was truly epic. It was a complete bonding experience and I made a new friend. Many new friends in fact. It’s sad that this period of time is over and now looking forward – I’m not sure what’s next. I guess that’s at least partially, maybe mostly, up for me to determine but I’m very excited. I am looking forward to round 3 at The Sanctuary this fall and I wish I didn’t have to take a break in between but as usually it’s for the best. The coming weeks brings work, work, work which is also much needed.

Up a Grafton there was food, laughs, sunshine, swimming, and boating! ย Here are some pictures… I plan on doing an official write up for the The Sanct. blog shortly. I have a few other things to conquer tonight, including a resume for a client I have been putting off, some posters for another clients city council campaign, and my own projects (editing myself portrait, MissNY stuff…)

But for now I would like to revel in the awesomeness that was today.

๐Ÿ˜€

More to come…

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Moksha

Praise God! Today was such a fantastic day! It started with me having the day OFF! Yay ๐Ÿ˜€ I know I only started working my paying gigs this week ( and I’ve yet to actually get paid) but I was praying for the day off because I wanted to be apart of the Sanctuary for the last day of Uptown Summer!

This morning I woke up late. Uptown starts at 9 and my alarm goes off at 7. I set it for 7:30am this morning because I wasn’t planning on walking there ( since Mommy bought me a bus pass ๐Ÿ™‚ ) I didn’t get up until about 10 am this morning. I was a little bummed but I checked my email and lo and behold an email from a marketing company looking for individuals for a 4 day gig later this month to promote a new retail business that’s moving into the area- which just so happens to be the same retail company I had my first day at yesterday. If I get the position I could be making $18-$20 an hour! So I applied to that. Then I showered and missed the bus.

I was again, kind of bummed because I didn’t want to miss all the action ( and all the coffee and bagels) down at The Sanctuary. I decided to study my bible and I read Luke 3:1-20 and Mathew 3:13-4:17 & 5:1-6:4. I’ve been following this daily planner called ‘The Essential One Hundred Bible Reading Plan’ which basically skims through the bible. I don’t skims is quite the right word, it gives you a chronological display of events that outlines the lines the story from start to finish. It’s more than a skimming, but it’s less than a straight read through ( which can be difficult because there are A LOT of books and some chapters are quite wordy). Pastor Christina gave it to me as it is the plan they follow on her Sunday mornings. Although we are still studying together, I haven’t been in a couple of weeks ( and I won’t be there this week). Even still, it has been AMAZING. I have a lot of bible knowledge from growing up in the church so its all very familiar but from life experience and just general maturity I’m really getting it know. It’s great. So I read through the old testament according to the outline and I just started the New Testament. Anyways, the chapter I read in Matthew was basically Jesus explaining how we must still follow the words of the Old Testament even in his presence. He goes over murder, adultery, debt, giving, enemies, oaths…etc. What stuck to me most was where Jesus says to settle disputes and debts as quickly as possible and to not curse since it doesn’t glorify God. Those are 3 things I struggle with as I generally avoid conflict including debtors and I’ve had quite the sailors mouth.

I had just enough time to catch the bus afterwords but I guess I missed the one I was waiting for anyways. Another one came that dropped me off right at my destination so it all worked out. I got there around 1130 am. There was plenty of bagels, no cream cheese and I had two cups of coffee.

I didn’t have a whole lot to do today as most of the projects were in wrap up mode but Branda and Kathy were happy to see me! I spent most of the day working on my own blog which you may have noticed looks a bit different. I started the daunting task of organizing and I made 4 categories that all my posts, past present and future, will fall into. The categories are as follows: Journal, Old Testament, New Testament, and Meraki. I may change the names of old and new because I feel like it walks the line of blasphemy although that is not what my intention is. The category of Old Testament is everything before I really gave my life to Christ and decided to follow him, New Testament is after having given my life to Christ, and Meraki is artwork which can also fall into OT or NT and everything is under the parent category of journal. I’ll probably change OT to ‘Before Christ’ and NT to ‘After Christ’.

Next I have to go through all my posts and edit them finally as there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. That is going to be obnoxious. It’s the kind of task that I might of enjoyed doing after smoking, or at least I would of idealized doing the two going hand in hand but the truth is that smoking while fun at times mostly was a waste of time and resources. I don’t think it in and of itself is wrong, but since it’s illegal in my state I can no longer consent to doing it. Which is something that’s been on my heart for awhile, but I finally made the decision to give it up. And I’m proud of myself for coming to this conclusion. Since I haven’t been smoking I’ve been much more productive and actually happier too. I missed it at first, when I simply wasn’t doing it because I couldn’t afford it, but I as I started growing my faith, spending time in church, studying my bible, spending time with other Christians, and listening to sermons online I’ve found myself more and more filled with the holy spirit which is a different type of high and it’s so much better. It’s a feeling of joy and oneness. A feeling that nothing else compares to. I have felt it but it hasn’t overwhelmed me yet. I look forward to it overwhelming me ๐Ÿ™‚

Everyone at the Sanctuary is so encouraging. And I feel really gratified spending time there. Whatever is going on, it’s always something that is supporting the community. And I really admire and respect the leader, Branda Miller, whom is a professor at RPI. She studied digital film, has traveled the world, and even worked in Hollywood! She has such a big heart and she really authentically enjoys helping people. It’s so amazing. I look forward to getting to know her better and maybe she’ll mentor me. Sunday we are going to Grafton ( another thing I’ve been praying for) and we’ll talk about upcoming plans. In the fall I’ll be an official intern which means I’ll get to help run the radio station (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I’m hoping to start up a work out group since I’ll be doing one anyways through my dojo. I figured I can learn those moves and teach them to my new friends and we can do them together. This well supplement all the nutrition classes the sanctuary already has and I noticed they don’t have any work out programs. Another super awesome thing is that everyone tells me I’m doing a great job. I think back to when I worked at the jewelry store and I remembered my old manager saying that she wasn’t going to tell us that every day and I just kind of accepted that, like ‘ok maybe it is too much to say that everyday’. But now I realize that it’s not at all, it’s quite the opposite. Showing appreciation is a staple and it’s easy and it’s always great to hear- even if you are confident in what you do.

For lunch there was pizza and then for desert an ice cream social where we played the students projects and then talked about what we enjoyed about the session. I spent the rest of the day working on my blog and then editing my own ‘Self Portrait’ that I recorded in the studio and will someday air on the radio. In it I talk about my adventure from Phoenix to Schenectady, meeting my friend Esha, my family who makes me who I am, my weight loss, and my desire to run for Miss NY ( and also how my confidence is holding me back). It’s like almost 20 mins long. Branda says it’s beautiful but no one will listen to it because everyone has such a short attention span these days. So I’m trying to size it down. Branda, Lydia, and myself stayed until 10pm! We would of grabbed dinner but no one had money ( we literally had $13 between us- I had a silver $).

Branda drove me home and gave me a bunch of fresh veggies from the Collar City garden. So now I have an abundance of food ( another blessing I have been praying for). I get to get creative know as I think of ways to cook all this new food as it is all vegetables ( some bagels). Maybe I will take pictures of my creations and share the recipes I come up with, or MAYBE I will video and do a tutorial! We will see. The latter involves heavy duty cleaning of the kitchen ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Tomorrow brings bible study with Pastor Christina and we will be diving into Chapter 2 in Song of Songs. And Sunday I will go to Terra Nova’s morning service again and then to Grafton Lake. Maybe I’ll get super lucky and I’ll get the gang to stop by the Peace Pagoda. There is an amazing energy there. The last time I went I was in pretty bad spiritual shape. I just laid in the temple, tears pouring from eyes as people walked around me and prayed. I was pretty broken then. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am right now and I know that that feeling is just going to escalate. I have so much hope.

Looking forward to seeing my Mommy again. I’ll be praying to go home for Christmas.

when

this weekend i had somewhat of a sad feeling wash over me. started friday. sometimes you feel other times far. a pastor at a church i went to this morning, Terra Nova, advised me that a big part of our walk with God is about the journey more so than the destination. And I believe that to be true. Still I wish I had a bit more direction.

I guess I’m holding myself back.

Lots and lots of changes this week, mostly just starting new jobs. My main gig at a major retail outlet that is new to area and a short term gig at the Albany Social Justice Center with my roommate ( who also happens to be the director). Later this month I’ll be moving but I’m not sure where. I’ll be said to be taking a step back from The Sanctuary just after I found them again but I can’t be everywhere. And I’m not sure how school is going to fit into the big picture here- again only so many hours in the day/days in the week. I don’t want to be overwhelmed again. And with all the other things I want to due to advance my career and lively hood and physical goals, not sure how that will leave time to serve in a church environment. So I guess I’ll keep praying on that.

For old times sake,

screenshot-albany.craigslist.org 2015-08-02 22-08-45

I doubt it’ll be one of my more popular posts… maybe that’s good though. I’ll be happy for a handful of genuine, authentic responses. Especially in the event that I do find the one whom my soul loves.

Well that would just be grandย wouldn’t it?