it’s been an interesting past few days,
starting with the show Friday night.
as i prepped for the evening i decided to pamper myself by getting my eyebrows and nails done. i met my friend Maya downtown Albany and went to this tiny Asian nail place that does acrylics for $20. I actually just intended to get a manicure as fake nails make simple things in life difficult.
A few weeks ago, or a couple of paychecks ago, I picked up some foundation from Bobbi Brown cosmetics. I had been using Lancome before which is the same manufacturer as L’Oreal. Being on a budget and a fixed income I don’t really want to spend a whole lot of money on makeup. ( I say that because I’ve been told by several counter managers that the two lines are nearly indistinguishable, making L’Oreal a good buy.) As I get older my makeup routine gets more and more simple. I love playing up my lips with some funky color but aside from that I haven’t been embellishing much on my eyes. Bobbi Brown’s foundation turned out to be really great for my skin. It is light wearing and provides full coverage all day. However my favorite thing about Bobbi is that her whole line of make up is dedicated to education and looking natural. When I see some of these ads for other beauty lines, the woman have so much makeup on and although that can be fun personally I think the best look is a simple enhancement on your features. I think Bobbi’s line is all about loving yourself. Anyways, the counter manager did a great job doing my makeup. She gave me a lot of great tips but best of all she included a free lip gloss with my purchase. (Sometimes makeup counters do that anyways but in this case I asked. Life lesson: always ask for what you want!)
I planned on being a bunny for Halloween for a few weeks. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on my costume and in the long run i only paid $10-12 on tights, bunny ears, and a tail. Everything else I already owned. I feel very proud in these moments when a plan comes together. However, I wasn’t sure what to do for my makeup. When I think of the entertainment industry, particularly one fixated on a oversexed image I think heavy amounts of makeup. In line with my usual jam these days I figured I either do my standard red shade, a matte color I get from Sephora, or a new color. And so I bought a bubble gum pink type colour from the NYX line that my store carries. I justified it because I feel trying different products improves my selling ability ( side note my particular thought on NYX is that they are a good affordable beauty line. Their eye shadows and lip products are highly pigmented. They’re also cruelty free. The intense butter gloss is my favorite product line so far for the highly pigmented colors ( pigmented = bright) however so far I am disappointed with their matte colors. The intense butter gloss line stains your lips so that as the gloss fades your lips remain colorful and it’s a good fade but it also stacks so that as your reapply the color becomes richer. My only complaint would be that the color runs slightly and it would be wise to use a lip liner. This type of gloss is sticky which can feel heavy on your lips and ( in my opinion) is not to be worn if your expecting to be kissed ) I bought the Intense Butter Gloss in Napoleon. (When i cant choose a color the name is almost always a tie breaker.)
The Asians did a really great job on my eyebrows. Instead of using my Napoleon gloss I choose my Bobbi one in the nude shade and kept my eyes bare -not even using mascara. The completed look was so on point, I looked at my hands and I just knew life was never going to be the same.
And yes, I’m a drama queen. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I really love phrases that have double meaning. I love metaphors ( similes not so much) but I absolutely get giddy over a good double entendre.
So when I’m looking at my hands and I’m thinking ‘life is never going to be the same’ it’s somewhat tongue in cheek. One one hand ( no pun intended) my acrylics are going to mean altering my norm in a small but prominent way: it means an adjustment in doing things that are generally quite simple like sparring, putting on my boots, or wiping my ass ( it’s beautiful and it’s clean so kiss it :* ) in contrast being in a position to spend the money on a luxury like getting a manicure means I’m slowly but surely entering into a more comfortable and stable stage of my life. I’m not quite there yet but I’m moving towards it and my hardwork is starting to finally pay off.
In my life words have an incredible amount of meaning, almost obnoxiously so. I say it and then it happens, sometimes good sometimes bad. Usually when I make these tongue in cheek statements it ends up being a prophesy of sorts. In a chicken or the egg type of way, I’m not sure if I’m picking up on the vibe or actually giving the words power. Maybe it’s both. The bottom line is that I felt really great that night. I felt more beautiful then I had ever ,more confident and sexy. I decided at the bar to not take my coat off. I just had a sense of not wanting to show off my new found sexiness (although I proudly show it off most of the time). OK so I guess I just didn’t want to show it to Caoimhghín. Over the course of the night we didn’t speak and I left the Low Beat feeling sad ( and cold in my sexy outfit). I didn’t get home until after 1am and I continued to cry for awhile before finally falling asleep. In the morning I decided not to go to class and I was even late to work. When I got to work Cheryl ( Sensi’s Wife) was there which was exciting at first but became less exciting over time. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed spending time with her but something was definitely up. Plus everyone else on the job was acting weird. And I got reprimanded later that evening and ended up getting into a fight with a co worker. It was all ridiculous and it just felt like I was being punished for missing class. It did however give me more drive in my classes today which I made sure to be on time for ( -_- )
Two things keep coming up lately: The Albany Symphony Orchestra and The Miss New York pageant, which I still have time to get all my funds in for ( and apparently I can still run in Arizona too)
In regards to The Miss New York pageant I know one thing that has been really holding me back is my desire to find sponsorship because it means putting myself out there and I generally prefer self preservation as well as hiding out in the back and keeping people at a distance. In one of Caoimhghíns songs I clearly heard the phrase ‘can’t hide anymore’ and it seems to becoming true as more and more people are looking to me. I know that if I were to run for the pageant that I would have as good of a chance as any, better maybe, and it would possibly help me with my student loan debt if I won and I know that it would be really inspiring to a lot of the younger women that are in this area. I feel that Albany really needs a strong female black role model. I mean, my blackness is only a factor because in this specific instance- all young women or women of all ages need a good role model but in this case I think the female demographic in this area could a role model that was black because they’re really are so few good role models. I really can’t think of any really that really stand for something positive and are about loving yourself and your body and don’t perpetuate that beauty stems from sexiness. That isn’t to say that there are no women out there or in Albany that would be great role models because I know that isn’t true. The thing is though that I know that I could specifically fulfill a need that I know is lacking but for me it means stepping into the spot light, which I like literally hate and the reason why I hate it is because I’m afraid to share my imperfections and my failures. Plus it also means being competitive and I’ve really never been a competitive person and to be honest I don’t want to be at least not in the way I think of a competitive person being. Sure I want to win anything I do but I also want to have fun because life is short. I also don’t think that anyone else is really competition for me because I am unique, special, gifted and talented, but instead I am my biggest challenge. And I generally fight myself everyday, constantly in fact. I really did want to go talk to Caoimhghín but ultimately I choose not to because I’m upset that he turned me down when I asked him out about a year ago. It’s silly of me to hold a grudge for so long but in any case I had a lot of other stuff going on and there was really little to no place for a relationship with him, not in my heart at least. Still I haven’t really gotten the type of response that I want out of him. I’m not even entirely sure what the response is exactly because even without talking or spending anytime together outside the gym he still manages to make feel special and I can’t seem to get him out from under my skin. I don’t want to but I haven’t wanted to submit either. I think Jiu J helps with that because I end up submitting A LOT.
But anyways, my point in all that was despite my reservations, my questions, and my doubts… my number 1 priority is working on my relationship with God because ultimately that is the ONLY thing that is really going to be fulfilling. I need to submit to HIM and I know HE will make my paths straight.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6, New International Version).
My goal this week is to read my bible every day and I shared this with the team so maybe they’ll help hold me accountable. If I put God’s wants first, I know it’ll make it easier to push myself to face the challenges that I’ve been avoiding and I would really have to worry about the outcome or being competitive because I know that the victory is God’s so all I have to do is my best. Part of me feels like ‘my best’ is losing the extra weight which is my goal to do before 27 but another part of me feels like it would mean more to me to win without having achieved what feels like ( but I know isn’t) perfection and the reason is that I think it would speak volumes to reach that level of success and be ( for lack of a better word) a fatty because I think it would show the world ( or the country or just new york or whatever) that real beauty comes from within. Maybe I could be part of the solution in challenging today’s beauty standards like one of my role models, plus size model Tess Holiday.
So there’s that.
There’s also my dad apparently moving to new jersey D:
Which makes me think that the best thing to study with Pastor C next (as we will be wrapping Song of Songs shortly) would be expanding on the idea that God is our heavenly father. I read a good article by Pastor Rick Warren. It can be found here: Getting to Know God as a Father.
At Tatum Blvd Church of Christ, we had a Pastor named Chris. Chris was a good preacher and he could really get you worked up and emotional ( as opposed to the previous Pastor, Mike, whom was also a fantastic preacher but had more of a logical, fact based, approach (Capricorn)) One father’s day he did a sermon about this very subject and it brought me to tears ( it also completely changed the life of another member who ended up leaving her husband due to repressed memories that surfaced about her father). In Pastor Warren’s article it talks about how touchy a subject fathers are and how seeing God as a father figure can seem difficult when we look to our own fathers that have let us down. In Chris’s sermon, although I of course remember very little of it 10 years later, his point was that we should looked to God to be the perfect father and in doing so I think we can see the good in our own fathers, regardless of how much good there is and in return it helps me see the good in myself even more. Plus it means that the relationship with my father can no longer hurt or hinder me, I’ve taken away its power and I can see Ira, my dad, as the person he is. There is a verse on how it’s easy to find fault but we should search for the good in others but I can’t find it. So I will leave you with this. It is the verse I will be reflecting on for the rest of the week and it’s the start of my daily bible reading:
You are the light of the world…let your light shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven ( Mat Ch 5 verse 14-16, NIV).