new pathways forged as I traveled to Arlington, VA for the first time solo. Not only was this the longest drive I’ve ever undertaken but the first in my new vehicle, Waldo. The journey was long but not too long. In hopes of advoiding heavy holiday traffic I left in the wee hours of the morning Turkey day ( 1am). I arrived around 10 – although the journey straight through should of only taken about 6 hours. I stopped in New Jersey to sleep for a little bit. I was running on a deficit before I even left the state however, having stayed up late every night that week starting with an all night phone call Sunday -Monday. I had planned to meet a new guy for a date but backed out at the last moment. Still we talked all night and into the morning. He was nice and it’s been a long time since I’ve had a connect like that with someone. Yet he’s not a Christian and from what I gathered from our conversation we likely do not have the same goals in mind. Still friendship is a beautiful thing.

I decided going back to school is a must and I am enrolling for the Spring semester and I also decided I am MOVING yes again, always it seems, but this time I’m getting my own spot again, I getting my dog, and big cozy shag rug and I will be truly home.

 

Although I feel a sense of hominess here at my Uncle’s pad. He’s had it for a very long time and I have memories of my mother here – it’s nice. It’s been a fun trip and I’m very sad that it’s over but I’m ready to get back to my thing. I have some *plans*…

always scheming.

 

 

hopefully I don’t doze off on this upcoming trip. D:

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Inner peace is for eternity

Yesterday turned out to be a great day

It started off at my Pastor’s house for a out weekly bible study. We now have one chapter left  in Song of Songs and I’m so excited to be wrapping it up. I’ve definitely grown a lot since we started and I no longer feel like I need romantic love in my life like that. Not saying I don’t wanted but I’m finally in a good single place and I’m not feeling so conflicted. Like on the one hand I’ve been feeling like ‘omg i want love’ but then when guys try to talk to me I’m like ‘ew get the fuck away from me- keep it moving, take a hike’. So that’s where I’m at. I’ve been working myself since I’ve left my ex and I’m proud of the woman I am today and the woman I’m becoming.

and I’m feeling very large and in charge lately.

I’m also feeling free of resentment like I’ve let go of the past ( all seems like a bad twisted nightmare now), I’m not upset with my dojo, and I don’t even care one way or the other about K (easy to say when I’m not around him but…) I really feel one with myself and just SATISFIED.

So I left my pastors house excited to be one week away from wrapping up SOS. Done with romantic love, next we study upon God’s love for ME- cause again, that’s the relationship I want to focus on, that’s the relationship that’s going to fulfill me, that’s the relationship that has seen me through hard times and that’s the relationship that’s making me happy right now. I’m seriously about to be the woman who’s dancing around trying tell everyone about my best friend, Jesus. It’s great. Today I danced in my kitchen like King David for the Lord. I haven’t done that since I was a child and I know God was happy. 😀

I love you Lord!

So even though I left my pastor’s house excited I ended up at Manory’s sad. Got a notification about the other contestant at my gym- she won some other pageant and had some news article written about her title ‘the best shot’. Or something. Yeah I was sad for a minute and then I got the fuck over it. Fact: she has better odds than me. Ok, and Golith had better odds over David ( you know BEFORE he was King, back when he was just the littlest son of the tiniest tribe). And yet God made him the GREATEST king of Israel. There is no obstacle too great for my God. So yeah I was sad, but I quickly got over it and went about my day. Next on the agenda was Capcom, my new bank. I met with a financial adviser who made me feel all sorts of amazing. I started an IRA Roth account and I’m following up next week to turn it into a mutual fund and possible set up some type of CD. Yes- I’m making saving a priority.

So many great things are happening and God is just blessing me left and right, even my misfortunes are blessings so you can see why it’s hard not to be happy. I stopped by my old haunt, The Hippies Witches and Gypsies shop to see my old friend Judy. She remembered me of course. Every time I stop in there it’s totally nostalgia central. I remember when I was searching hardcore and going down the pagan/Wicca route. I still have an appreciation for such things I just have to be a good faithful woman to the Lord, and I’m glad to do so. I ended up buying a Mother candle. I was feeling a little down and my plan was to go home and cry with my candle but instead I made a call to a local hair salon that specializes in natural hair. It’s walking distance from mi casa and I passed it several times. The person who answered name was Robin ( my moms name). Seemed like a good sign. I told her my predicament ( i left my weave in too long- HAHA). How long is too long? Well weaves I think have a life of 2-3 months (3 months pushing it) and I left mine in about 6 months! So I came down and turns out I knew Robin. We worked at Maximus together. ( Ex Maximus employees club- there’s a lot of us.) She was quickly overwhelmed by my hair ( I can’t even describe the condition it was in, let’s just say I was praying) and was ready to just cut it all off ( a possibility that I was aware of and had ultimately accepted my fate when…) her boss Cedric, salon owner stepped in AND SAVED MY HAIR. He got all the kinks, the dreads, the knots, the tangles, and everything out. It took 5 hours. We got to talking and now he’s a client of The Modern Scribe. I’m going to be making a website for him and also photographing new clients. He gave me a business card of someone else that might be able to help me. LOOK AT ME, Miss anti-social all networking a shiittt. Did I say God was good? He makes the weak strong. Yup 😉

Today back to the hustle. I’m up for a part-time sales position for Samsung. Choir practice tonight at church. MMA classes tomorrow and the jazz concert at the Sanctuary where I’m taking stills. Then next week is THANKSGIVING- YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

 

There’s more but people are straight up blowing up my phone at the moment.

a slightly interesting day at the dojo with the introduction to a new girl in jiu jitsu class

Melissa, a red head and a catholic joining the team to help her with her police academy training. it may change the flow of my morning routine and i do in fact hate change (at least when I’m not the one in control).

We partnered for a while and then we broke up and she wrestled Alan, a first that I seen, and I wrestled K. I tried to feel as indifferent as possible about all of it and while I think I accomplished that I couldn’t help feel some gratitude towards Sensi. I’m being 100 % serious when I say that wrestling K is not the highlight of my, at least not anymore, but in the way it all worked out I just couldn’t help but feel a sense of gratitude towards A. Maybe it had nothing to do with me or maybe they don’t want me running out of there in tears and never coming back- idk. But as always I try my best to keep and open mind and stay focused on why I’m there. I’m so close to seeing space between my thighs and flat belly, I will no doubt meet my objective by February.

Then what I can’t say but I’m positive I will know in all certainty by then.

I’m reluctant to say that Saturday may be a promising day but there’s certainly a lot going on. I promised Jim kind of that I’d be in class that day. I was invited to a modeling casting call in PA and there’s one in Wappinger Falls, day 2 of filming and a classical music concert at the Sanctuary that I’m really excited about.

I’m writing to you from the Sanctuary now but I’m not as excited about being here today 😛 I don’t really feel excited about anything right now except for bible study tomorrow morning.

I miss my mommy 😦

Belonging

Tuesday is my internship day at the sanctuary

and what a fabulous day it was

i wouldn’t say it was my most productive of days but I did get the chance to sit in and help brainstorm ideas for the upcoming Martin Luther King Jr. day ‘Social Justice Celebration’ – a dance party with Taina Asili and her band. It’s going to be awesome and I had some really great ideas and contributions. And as we’re brainstorming and talking about how music has always been on the forefront of radical change, especially regarding race relations…it hit me, hard, I’m apart of something grand here. Something that younger me would of LOVED to been apart of. I stumbled upon something grand when I picked up the flyer in Proctors Theatre all those moons ago. So glad life brought me back. I really feel like I’m apart of something positive and I feel a real sense of belonging.

Tomorrow we fight the war on fracking.

 

Yee-hawww!

I’m thinking more about my dojo and I feel as if I was bit harsh and frustrated in my last post. I do love them and I don’t think they’re replaceable, no two people are a like anyways- even the most basic of bitches. There’s just a large sense of confusion but whatever if I keep my focus then there’s nothing to be confused about I guess.

 

This is the second time I’ve referred to a ‘sense of belonging’ my roots in the Capital Region may be getting deeper.

Which gives me thoughts on moving back to Troy ❤

Looking forward to the rapidly approaching holidays but concerned about my upcoming SIX HOUR DRIVE to and from DC

Tonight I killed my battery by leaving my lights on- time to sign up for roadside service .

SO I feel like shit is starting to come together. 🙂

 

 

 

 

I’ll be your

today I am one step close to winning that Oscar

I responded to an open call for actors and was invited to come down for shooting today

i was nervous as i had no idea who I was meeting up with really only that they were shooting out in the middle of nowhere ( east greenbush). I texted my Pastor ( and friend) the address of where I was going and the phone number of who I was with just to feel safer.

Well now I’m officially starring in a horror flick with potentially more filming opportunities on the way. And hopefully some new creative friends.

Every Sunday church becomes more and more amazing. I feel that not only do I grow close to God but I also become closer with the other members and just generally more relaxed and accepting of my place in the world. My church is really small and at best there usually no more than 10 people. I think Pastor Christina writes some of her sermons for me. Not just for me but with me in mind. I find her very encouraging and inspiring. During communion one of the other attendees sings ‘Jesus Loves Me’, it makes me cry cause I think of Grace. Grace and I had a little bit of a falling out back in August. In my darkest of times ( around Jan 2015) Grace encouraged me to sing this song as simple as it is to feel better. While I didn’t do that, I have amped up my playlist with a lot of christian music and I do find that having a hymn in your heart does wonders for the soul. Still ‘Jesus loves me’ touches a nerve. For the first time I was able to sing a long for a couple of verses before getting too chocked up. During the offering it was revealed that there were a lot of blessings. God is doing great things in everyone’s lives, starting with Christina who is with child. Pastor Hannah was grateful for being able to play her violin this past week a blessing because she has been very, very ill as of late. I’m going to be spending A LOT of time at church between now and the end of the year. We are starting a choir, a meal program, and a weekly bible study ( aside from my one on one study). I may also sign up to be a mentor. I’m very very excited and I love every moment I spend at church. ❤

I’ve made some gains in my pageant sponsorship stuff. My website is looking better and better. I updated my ‘gofundme’ site too. My favorite part is that I took out the part where I had said training at the gym restored my faith in humanity. The truth is my faith in humanity has not been restored, it’s my faith in God through conflict and adversity that has been renewed. I actually have never had less faith in people EVER. And I’ve finally realized that being a Christian doesn’t mean you’re not a skeptic. After all Jesus was persecuted and he says that we will be persecuted as well. Generally speaking darkness hates the light. But anyways I digress…

Even if no one else believes in me, thanks to my mama Cinderella can still go to the ball. Barley but whatever. I feel like God is calling me to do this ( and if you read up on your bible history then you know that dipping out on God’s calling is not something you want to do) and I also feel like there is just too much at stake to walk away. My chances are winning are slim but you gotta play to win. And it’s a risk I’m willing to take: I could potentially go to school for free and maybe even pay off my student loan debt. Not to mention what the exposure could do for my modeling/acting career (or lack thereof). My friend April thinks it would foolish to spend my inheritance on this but I know my mom would say go for it. So that’s what I’m doing. At the end of the day ALL I need is God, that’s what the past 2 years have taught me.

Oh and I bought a car. 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

A shiny black 07 chevy cobalt

I named my car Waldo after the first stuffed animal given to me. He was a big black dog whom I married at one point. After the divorce Waldo went on to marry Hannah Fluffy Muffin Mitchell, a big white dog given to me by this really nice man named Kirby. Sometime around age 5/6 my church had a silent auction. There had been this huge white dog at the auction that I desperately wanted. My mom bid on him but could not out bid the competitor. I sobbed in my moms arms, hysterical. The next Sunday Kirby brought in Hannah. My mom and I were big on stuffed animals. Little known fact, I was ( and still am I guess) the Queen of Stuffed Animals. My kingdom was quite expansive as I had many. Truth is I never needed a sister because I had the most amazing mother in the world.

In other news, it looks the metroland no longer exists. Their offices were seized by the IRS. The was a couple of weeks ago and since then nothing’s been printed. This past Saturday Caoimhghín received his black belt in brazilian jiu jitsu. And Sensi’s wife mentioned something about him getting married. So I guess not only will I never find out who that metroland person was, but after all that stuff he’s moving on with somebody else. Great thanks for playing with my heart and head. No big deal really. In the end I say good riddance. I literally have no more tears left for this person. I’m dry.

I’ll be spending the holidays with my Uncle in DC and he’ll be coming down once in Dec. So that plus all my church time, Christmas, the pageant…there’s a lot to look forward to. But it all kind of wraps up by February. All I know is that I’m committed to losing this weight, I’m almost there and then I’m done.

Done with my Dojo

Done with Albany

and done with the North East.

Sunshine baby, California all the way.

going down

and for giggles

I wrote this when I was 15…just found it again for the first time after trying to hack into my old livejournal

suffice to say, i was quite the tenacious young woman

and not afraid to let me freak flag flyyyy

i tried to get this published at my school paper- kinda of glad they put the kabosh on that lol

Friends don’t let friends wear see- through shirts.
My friends and I have a saying, “A friend helps you up when you fall, a good friend laughs at your clumsy buttocks region, but I guess that makes me a best friend, because I’ll laugh at your clumsy buttocks region as I help you up.” We live in a world were friends are a dime a dozen, and a good friend is usually a diamond in the rough. You have to learn to take their faults with their positive traits. Like taking cough syrup with sugar maybe? I think the rules of friendship can be summed up in this statement: “Friends don’t let friends wear see-through shirts.” I mean, if your best friend is going to let you wear a see-through shirt, then she will also probably laugh at you when your water bra burst- rather than making sure your boyfriend- not to mention his guy friends- does not see.

Americans are fickle. We listen to the media to tell us what is in and what is out. A real friend is not going to be afraid of singing “I Want It That Way” in the middle of Desert Ridge because it is playing on the radio (and you all know you loved that song when it came out). Or ashamed of dancing to bad 80’s and 90’s dance music in Target. I know it is cliché to say “the best things in life are free” but really it is true. I have had way more fun in the past 2 months than I have had all my life. My friends and I, we clicked, and maybe that is because we never acted like kids when we were younger and are now unleashing our inner child, but better now than 20 years from now. Seriously, if I am 35 and still jamming with my air guitar band in the middle of Tatum Blvd, please slap me- sedate me- I do not care what you do, but stop me.

I am just totally tired of all of this high school b.s. (and by “b.s.” I mean bologna sandwich of course)! We have our whole lives to ruin good friendships with dating, and all the Mean Girls drama, but we only have now to act our age. If you want run down the halls screaming “God bless the cows” or use songs as pick up lines (“What’s your name [boy] what’s your sign?”- Eminem’s “Just Lose It”) or wear shirts that say, “Don’t sexual intercourse with me, wiotch.” then do it. Lose all your inhabitations, forget there are people watching and go, go dress your self in tin foil and have fun. And don’t forget to take lots of pictures, they may be blackmail now, but later you’ll enjoy looking at yourself dressed like a princess faire at PV mall the day before Halloween. (But FYI: if an old man moons you, your on your own, the security guards will not do shizzle- apparently they do not care if it is indecent exposure to minors or not.)

CeCe and I have made putting on winter scarves, knit hats, and gloves on at Old Navy and taking pictures a mall visiting tradition, and as soon as I get my pictures developed, that is so going to be my Christmas card. Oh, and while your at it, maybe you should make up your own language- I think that be fun too. If you are going to act stupid and scare all the little kids at the food court might as well do it all the way, right? In short, it is one thing to be weird, and another thing to understand weird. So let us revel in the moment of being young and insane (and not normal). Crazies have more fun anyways. (And you always thought blondes had more fun, shame on you!)