ended up missing monday morning class this week

was feeling like testing the waters

Metroland writer said he wasn’t going to ‘let go’

Within a few hours I received 3 messages and an email

You know who ask me where I was on Monday and I said I was tired

(as in tired of yo shit- BWAHAHA)

I haven’t cried once since my Monday morning photo session. I feel healed, happy, and ready to hit life hard. Tomorrow I find out what goes on with school this semester -I’m hoping it works out. Once I get the word on that I can have an idea of what kind of job I need and wether or not I can move. I really hope I can 🙂

Applied to some modeling agencies

I really want to lose the weight and then pay for a photoshoot

and I’m going to start taking dance classes- I’m so excited! And I’m taking on more responsibilities at church.

 

 

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I realized yesterday that instead of waiting for the whirlwind, I’m the effing whirlwind!

Pageant weekend is over and I didn’t win.

I didn’t have what it takes and what was missing was my confidence.

So I decided this year my goal is to make my confidence game strong!

I left Westchester feeling very inspired and very determined to keep it moving and make it happen. So I’ll be going to casting calls in Rochester and Philadelphia. The only difference between Seerena Bujac and me is that she’s being doing it longer and she’s confident. She is beautiful though and really sweet. I’m glad to have met her and I actually got someone one on one time with her over the weekend so I feel like I can call her a friend. How wonderful. My roommate two is another amazing woman, she made the top 19. She was born 4 days after me so this will be our last year. I’m actually sad I won’t have another chance at Miss USA. That’s OK though because I did it and I’m different from the experience.

Today I’m kind of dicking around. Missed class this am, thinking of joining planet fitness.

 

 

feeling very beautiful this morning even though i’m teary eyed. not because i lost but because i’m seeing how damaged i am for the first time. i talk to one of my best friends last night and he told me he was super proud of me cause he never though i would have the confidence to do something like that. it kind of took me back a little bit bc i never seen myself as unconfident but my lack of confidence is what keeps me back. i can’t wait until i can truly smile from the heart

Miss New York USA

Well the time has come, or it came actually… (#pharsing)

Early Friday morning I departed Albany for Westchester. Nervous and PMSing, I drove two and half hours south. The morning went pretty seamless and I felt prepared for the unknown- at least as much as one can be for that sort of thing.

Being in the pageant has felt like being back in grade school a bit, which I expected more so in the way of catty girl divas but it’s more like being accounted for every second of the day. To the point that we must be chaperoned to our cars and in our rooms for bed checks at 10. Anyone seen at the bar would be immediately disqualified. To my surprise women have been quite nice, some ever encouraging. There’s the fake and the entitled type too.

And it is a beauty pageant so the focus on the physical  is definitely forefront. I have felt the eyes of many upon me like, ‘what’s she doing here’ but I remind myself that those thoughts are in my head. Even if it’s on the tip of everyone else tongue, I’m here for me. This my journey- I made it, thanks to my Mom who always believed in me- always loved me and was always there for me. I’ve worn her ashes in my bra as weird as that sounds so my dream of us walking across the stage together has already be achieved.

Great so I can leave, right? Haha. Preliminaries are done, we find out who will place tonight after the opening ceremony. As much as I pumped myself up yesterday telling myself that I had it in the bag today I’m telling myself that it’s over, no hope for the crown. If I come of this a loser, I will be disappointed. I will regret spending the $2500 or whatever …but ultimately I will know that I made the right choice. When I’m old I want zero regrets. In my last psych class I learned there are two types of elderly, the ones who are wise and happy, sharing their stories and experience with the youth feeling happy and accomplished and then there is the bitter and angry, those who think about all the chances they didn’t take and everything that didn’t work out.  I’ve been guilty of being a bitter angry woman at times, as a result of the way I’ve allowed myself to be treated but I refuse to be someone who has nothing but what if’s looking back at their life.

And yes, shows not over yet.

I’m most impressed with the other ladies here because despite the entitled divas who feel they already won, the stuck up bitches who act like they can see right through me, the mean queens who talk mad shit about this girl and that girl ( never me, but i can only imagine) there are some really lovely women: Some very sincere, very nice, very encouraging girls. It’s beautiful. There are a couple of other chunky girls here. Not everyone is a size 2 …and there is even who a girl with some pretty bad scars and disfiguring. This Miss NY pageant is open to everyone which at first I was put off by but now  I love that everyone has a chance at the crown. If I don’t win I come home Miss Troy ( although really I’ll forever be Miss Arizona as far as I’m concerned -at least until I’m Mrs. ‘[Insert last name of some blessed awesome man here].

I can’t say I’ll ever rock the pageant seen again but I am grateful for the experience. I do feel a sense of confidence that I was lucky before and I feel closer to the vivaciousness and sass that I’ve been missing. I look forward to more dance classes in my future including burlesque and since I’ve been here I’ve already had one offer for a pin up styled photo shoot (I’m going to be Hot Rod Betty’s first ‘Betty of the Month’ once they reopen).

I’ve also been reminded that even though I feel alone a lot and frequently and maybe I am maybe I’m not, I’m definitely not the only young woman out there chasing her dreams. There’s a total of appx 200 girls here and only two winners so at the end of this evening there will be a lot of losers. But we’re here, we gave it our best, we showed up and we rocked it. It may have not been good enough for the Hosts ( they told us this am that our Miss presentation was the worst ever in 25 years) but we put ourselves out there, our scars, our fat- our everything and it was worth it.

So there’s that too.

Moving forward I know I’ll hold my head a bit higher and be less afraid when walking into a room and that is priceless.

 

Oh and I got a free shirt in my gift bag- we all know how love those 😉

 

 

 

 

Ps. oh and that other chic from my gym didn’t even show so I’m totally confused on why they couldn’t sponsor me????