let me tell you about God’s mercy
So I did something I’m not so proud a little over a week ago and it resulted with an abrupt end to a major relationship I held to high esteem in my life. And while I have not had the courage nor the desire ( hey- i’m human and i’m allowed to be petty sometimes) to make amends just yet it did kickstart a series of events. starting with me getting kicked out of my dojo. at first i was really upset and i felt i had hit rockbottom, internally. i was forced to face the darkness that exists in my own heart and own it. From this place of darkness has been nothing but blessings. Inspired by my own sin I began calling old friends and making amends for things that weighed on my heart but I never fully addressed. Every person I spoke to either had already forgiven me or was not aware of any indiscretion whatsoever. Since then my relationship with God has grown exponentially and I found myself leveling up as a Christian. I no longer fear the future and I trust the Lord completely. It’s a beautiful thing.
The recent tragic events occurring nationally has touched me in a big way. One thing is certain is that it’s not easy to be black in this country. And while I refuse to define myself with these labels that society wants me to wear, for the purpose of distinction I will use them here. I know there has been more than one occasion that my skin color has affected my ability to succeed in certain environments. Still I recognize that the life that I’ve lived has been a charmed one, especially in comparison to struggles others have faced. For that I have my Grandfather to thank as his determination to provide more than his father chose to provide for him. This decision lead my grandfather to choose a career in engineering, a choice that allowed him to put two children through both undergraduate and graduate degree programs at prestigious schools ( Harvard, Yale, Tufts, and Rutgers) and then late in life he helped raise me after purchasing a house in Scottsdale, Arizona.
The socioeconomic problems in the country run deep. Slavery has not been abolished for even 200 years yet and if you think that the aftermath of those cruel times does not play a role in the chaos you see around today then you’re wrong, period. We are seeing the result of years of oppression resulting in rage. On the other side of the gun I believe we have guilt masquerading as fear or even hatred. Why can’t we just all get along?
People throw around words and phrases like ‘affirmative action’ and ‘black on black crime’ to scapegoat the issue. While I do not believe that the government needs to legislate every moral decision, there are some cases where it is necessary in order for there to be progression. Is the system perfect? No. Has it leveled the playing field, in some cases -yes. Dig even deeper than that and you’ll find that color fades and what have is just people fighting for their piece of the pie and the idea that some deserve more or less than others or that there’s not enough to feed everyone and that is a lie. Greed has lead us astray in our never ending pursuit for more: bigger houses, faster cars, more capable phones…the list goes on forever. As someone who has been searching to fill the void for a very long time, I can personally attest to how easy is to get lost. Lost and empty, the only thing that will ever fill that void is love and if you wish to know love then you must choose to know God.
Now, having leveled up, I wait upon the Lord and I can say that he has made me Glad ❤
This newfound sense of joy and abundance has me able to love more people much easier than ever before. Not out of a sense of duty but because the feeling is in my heart. Compassion is contagious and because of this I am forced to look at my own fears, which are not so different even from the ones standing behind the gun. I have had many experiences with black men that have been unfavorable at best, terrifying at worst. This has caused me to not trust black men and even fear them in some cases. There have been times that if the gun had been in my hand I can’t say if I would of not prematurely pulled the trigger. So has I watch all the stories unfold through the media, I also address my own fears in order to surpass them. It is evil in people’s heart that causes them to do unsightly things. Evil has a way of whispering in to your hear to JUMP when one should tread lightly: to anger quickly for example or resort of violence…and other lies.
In order to transcend one must treat the disease instead of its side affects. I choose to overcome my fear by taking up Mixed Martial Arts and now I feel empowered, instead of scared. And with that life has taken a completely different direction then I ever could imaged.
What did I do that was so terrible that I would kicked out of a place that I considered source of refuge?
Well, I cursed out the guy and his band and sent them obscene pictures ( of not myself). Like I said not my proudest moment. Frustrated from a lack of closure, I let my feelings get the best of me. I know there are better ways I could of handled the situation but instead I let anger rule my heart and I paid the consequence. And yet even in my moment of weakness God showed me his mercy. Because of this situation several relationships have been restored and strengthen and I feel light hearted. Plus I found a new gym that I really like and already feel at home at. Only this time, I’m keeping my feelings in check. No dating at the dojo AND the next time I meet a person of interest I’m just going to talk to them instead of hiding from my feelings. But it’s taken this amount of time to reach the sweet spot where I feel confident as the woman I’ve become and I love her too, weaknesses and all.
“even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,for darkness is as light with you. (Psalm 139: 12)”