can’t sleep feeling feelings
for the past few days i’ve been a complete recluse, it’s been great.
i’ve most alternated between sleeping, eating, and watching friends. occasionally i produced content in some form and left the house but mostly watching friends and sleeping.
i’m on season 9 and i can hear myself thinking in the characters voices lol like damn their are a LOT of seasons of that show you really do get to know them as people
i was in elementary school when the show started and in high school when it ended. i watched it frequently through out the years but mostly in reruns- it wasn’t something that i followed weekly but i remember distinctively times where friends literally felt like it was on all the time somewhere in TV land (we had satellite dish)
i have a new found appreciate for not only the characters but the actors as well, particularly Jennifer Aniston. Aniston is great actress! I think show is really well written and well shot. They definitely make the viewer feel like they could be standing around the kitchen table with the crew or whatever. I caught only one jump shot in all 9 seasons so far.
ok enough about friends, lol
i start a new gig tomorrow in one of my Fields of Choice, photography. I’m apprehensive but open minded. I’ll be shooting kids portraits at school, not exactly my dream photography job but it does get me some paid training, some experience behind the camera, and some equipment at my disposal. plus i get to go to different job sites versus be stuck in one location and it pays better than the sex store and as good as lucky strike. plus its seasonal so i can focus on making it work for the 4 months or whatever…it gives me a short term goal and i can figure out what i want to do before the end of the 4 months ( like move possibly) AND they’re a national company so I could always transfer if i like it 😀 i have a couple other gigs in my FOC, both of which involve being around cameras. the other two involve filming. i could honestly work all three ( and would love to). one involves shooting press conferences and the other being an assistant at a video production company. i also applied for a remote writing position. the latter comes with salary plus bonus ( including a $500 stipend for an office). $500 is totally an apartment out here so i’m praying for that! i’d be writing financial blogs about student loans. it would be great experience.
i also decided to give being a suicide girls another shot. i applied once when i was like 19 and i was accepted but i never followed up on it. I’m glad i did bc i was really too young then and i would of been doing it for all the wrong reasons. it could of potentially eaten me up alive. Suicide girls is a female nude photography website. it’s all about alternative beauty and the women on there usually have tatts and piercings and sometimes dreads. you do have to show it all if i remember correctly, full nudity but not in every picture. it used to be a photography set showing one moment in your day involving a strip tease. i think it’s beautiful and sexy, not slutty but that’s my personal opinion. i know if i did it it would exclude me from certain things ( like pageants) but that might be worth the risk. i know i have to consider that once i commit to that if I’m approved then i have my nude self is going to be the property of someone else and forever accessible again not sure if that bothers me but it’s not something to consider lightly. they pay $500 if your picture is one the front page- wow! i issue the more hits you get the more days you hit front page the more money you make 😀 😀 😀 so my question to myself is, am i selling my soul if i do this? i’m leaning toward no and here’s why… the way other people see me is honestly none of my business. sometimes i can’t even go in sweat pants without lewd stares from men. if a man’s going to think of me sexually i can’t really do anything about it and it’s not all bad. even though it makes me uncomfortable i know i would miss the attention if it went away entirely I’m in the best shape of my life right now and only getting better with age, it is sometime to be celebrated! plus one of my favorite things about me is how unique i am and how deep. I’m every bit as innocent as i am naughty I’m a christian and I’m imperfect – i just feel like I’m all around not what you would expect, i can’t be labeled, i don’t fit any stereotype- I’m just me.
regardless, i’ve increased my social media presence over 500% in the past 6 months on Facebook! it’s growing ever day!!! in january I had maybe 250 friends and no i’m upwards of 2000! for the first time in ever possibly i actually see myself in 5 years, and in cause you’re wondering i’m doing very very well 😉
i also took on a new internship at WCAA . it’s another non profit with a radio station. they are brand new and not as established as the sanctuary. they need me 🙂 for fundraising i suggested we host a pageant and they’re behind the idea! it’s too early to tell if it will come to fruition but i think it’s amazing and it’s something I’ve really wanted to do. I was really inspired while running for Miss Albany, it was a really difficult time. I was still super depressed, crying everyday, suicidal sometimes… I remember running around trying to collect money for Kiss For Kyle Foundation and feeling just so drained. I became further discouraged because fundraising for charity was a lot harder than i thought it would be- i thought it would be easy! all i managed to muster up really was $10 in cash, $50 in gift certificates to Jack’s Oyster House, and some flyers. Still the experience made me realize just how could of a heart I had: there I was all hopeless and sad and still busting my ass to raise money for other people. i felt empty but somehow i still had something to give and my charity really gave back to me, getting me involved in something outside of myself. it’s a beautiful cycle. i mean sure i wanted to win too – i wanted that competitive edge but it wasn’t required.
all those times seem far behind me now though and i’m feeling really present lately. today would be my mothers 61st birthday and next month it’ll be officially one year since she passed.
alright, back to bed or back to friends 😛