Last week for the first time I found myself asking what would I say to my future daughter instead of wondering what my mom would say to me. I started training a new job as a studio photographer and training has consisted of being the subject of many (many, many) portraits  and so I found myself fidgeting quite a bit sometimes and worrying so much about my appearance that I became overcome with frustration and I just had to stop, take a deep breath and I thought if my daughter was watching me would I want her caring so much about her appearance that it interferes with her life? The answer, of course, is no. But the inner dialogue had me changing the conversation and I realized there’s been a shift in consciousness: I apparently have come to rely on my own inner voice, rather than Mommy’s (who still speaks to me in so many ways. Felt kind of profound. I think this shift was brought on by my convent experience. I stayed with 5  Nuns for about a week in Greenwich, NY. I was invited to stay longer but this new job cut the experience down. I was nervous as the image of nuns tends to conjure a lot of preconceptions in the mind. Ruler slapping and whatnot but the experience could have been farther from that perception. I learned a lot and I found the discernment which I’ve been praying for.

“Many are called but few are chosen”

Matt 22:14

Every since my mom and grandpaw died, I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected, orphaned. It’s not that I relied on them much but having them in the world was comforting- no matter what happens I could always go home. My sense of home was my family and now that’s gone and my world turned upside down.

I actually grew to love the Convent and the Sisters so much that becoming a nun felt like a very real option. Right there next to Sister Galesia, there was a place for me. The back of their brochure puts out a call to action “looking for women ages 21 – 50”. Yep that’s me. But aside from that I genuinely loved being there. I enjoyed having church services throughout the day, gardening, reading, tea and cookies at 3. But my favorite thing was in the night after everyone else would go to sleep I would return to the Sanctuary, the most Holy of places, and spend time with God: praying, crying, talking to him like a friend, or sometimes just being still in his presence.

What I discovered was I do have a place in God’s kingdom and although I’m not ready to make such a grand commitment, the feeling of acceptance and peace made me feel whole instead of lost.

Leaving was very sad, like being born again: saying goodbye to the comfort of the womb and back into the loud, harsh, sometimes cruel world. Deep down inside it was my desire for my own family and the love I already feel for my future daughter that has carried me through and the belief that it will come to fruition.

Ultimately I’ve decided that being a mother is my calling and if necessary it is something I am willing do to alone: I will choose to be a single mother if I don’t meet the right man.

One thing is for certain, I’m not settling.

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the beginning

few things in life are as beautiful as the start of something:
in the beginning, you have all the hope and promise that a situation has to offer without the pitfalls that challenges bring: obstacles, defeat, sudden changes, Circumstances Outside of your Control. Your dreams and vision are unspoiled by reality and chance, maybe even Divine Intervention.

And then there’s me, Alycia Bacon, you’re reigning Miss Troy USA 2016. Tragedy and Circumstance allowed me to enter The Miss New York 2016 competition where I was unprepared and outperformed. It’s round three now and this time, Yours Truly has her eyes set on being your next Miss USA, only there’s a tiny little matter of rocking the regional competition first…

But that’s OK because if you’ve been following me then You Already Know, the journey is the fun part (after all no use racing towards the grave)…

so let the games begin!

 

and one bad peach spoils the bunch

for the past couple of days i’ve been covered in white paint. friday night was a volunteer work night over at my church’s new building. in answer to my pastors’ prayers, a church building was given to them as well as money to remodel it. work is behind schedule because, well, free labor is what it is. and you generally get what you pay for in this life. i enjoy working on the new space: it feels sacred. there’s so much one can do to honor God, but this physical act leaves you feeling like you’ve done something. there was only three of us and i turned on my christian jams and we worked for ours priming the last bit of ceiling in what will be the children’s sanctuary.

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an acquaintance invited me to a healing church service Saturday and i decided to go. It was at an Episcopal church in Colonie and it was really moving. One of my favorite parts was seeing Deacon Karen ❤ ❤ She fills in at our church sometimes but she’s taking the summer off. One thing that struck me most was when Rev Hart spoke about how essential forgiveness is in the healing process- it’s one thing that I’ve really struggled with. I also realized that I’ve be kind of caught in a cycle of isolation and withdrawal. the service was followed by a baptism which i also attended. although my attendance caused an awkward moment between myself and my acquaintance. Something about the situation made her uncomfortable and in her attempt to control it she inadvertently suggested i wasn’t welcome. it’s probably the only time ever anyone has attempted to kick me out of church. it’ll all worked out and i did stay. it wasn’t so much a baptism as it was a christening. Growing up Church of Christ – we didn’t do christenings. Only once one is ready to make the commitment can one become baptized. She apologized but I must admit it put a damper on my day. The earlier service had left me feeling rather vulnerable and this seemed to trample on my heartstrings, freshly uncovered. It reminded me on the importance of forgiveness and it made me realize just how much i struggle with not only letting go but moving past it. My first reaction was to again, withdraw- which i did. I left without saying goodbye and didn’t attend service the next day.

Instead I packed my bags and drove about an hour to St. Mary’s Convent in Greenwich. It’s been a wonderful time and nothing like I expected- everyone is so nice. I thought it would be hard waking up at 630 for church services …and well, it IS hard for me but I truly enjoy all the worship time as well as the time I spend with the sisters. The are very lively and all unique. They don’t impose anything on me and allow me to choose how I want to structure my day. Today ( Monday) was my first full day. We have a service every few hours ( all in all about 4 a day). In between that we work either on the property ( I picked berries and feed goats) or we have solo time. There’s a lot of quiet time. All the meals are silent and in the evening after the last service is “the great silence” which is just another quiet time. It doesn’t bother me because when I’m not doing something ( i.e.: work, church, volunteering, gym) then I’m generally alone. Growing up I was an only child so I also spent a lot of time alone… AND i come from a family of people who are just kind of quiet intellectual types ( on my mom’s side anyways). Silence doesn’t bother me I actually prefer it! ( especially compared to mindless chatter)

Granted It’s only be one full day but I’m really enjoying my time here and not particularly looking forward to going home. I’m praying God revels some direction as I’m feeling quite restless lately and ready to make a change. Even though I’m pretty involved in my community there’s a part of me just feels ready to drop everything and GO.

Also, I heard back from Suicide Girls and I was accepted. So there’s that.

 

 

The one with all the Friends

can’t sleep feeling feelings

for the past few days i’ve been a complete recluse, it’s been great.

i’ve most alternated between sleeping, eating, and watching friends. occasionally i produced content in some form and left the house but mostly watching friends and sleeping.

i’m on season 9 and i can hear myself thinking in the characters voices lol like damn their are a LOT of seasons of that show you really do get to know them as people

i was in elementary school when the show started and in high school when it ended. i watched it frequently through out the years but mostly in reruns- it wasn’t something that i followed weekly but i remember distinctively times where friends literally felt like it was on all the time somewhere in TV land  (we had satellite dish)

i have a new found appreciate for not only the characters but the actors as well, particularly Jennifer Aniston. Aniston is great actress! I think show is really well written and well shot. They definitely make the viewer feel like they could be standing around the kitchen table with the crew or whatever. I caught only one jump shot in all 9 seasons so far.

ok enough about friends, lol

i start a new gig tomorrow in one of my Fields of Choice, photography. I’m apprehensive but open minded. I’ll be shooting kids portraits at school, not exactly my dream photography job but it does get me some paid training, some experience behind the camera, and some equipment at my disposal. plus i get to go to different job sites versus be stuck in one location and it pays better than the sex store and as good as lucky strike. plus its seasonal so i can focus on making it work for the 4 months or whatever…it gives me a short term goal and i can figure out what i want to do before the end of the 4 months ( like move possibly) AND they’re a national company so I could always transfer if i like it 😀 i have a couple other gigs in my FOC, both of which involve being around cameras. the other two involve filming. i could honestly work all three ( and would love to). one involves shooting press conferences and the other being an assistant at a video production company. i also applied for a remote writing position. the latter comes with salary plus bonus ( including a $500 stipend for an office).  $500 is totally an apartment out here so i’m praying for that! i’d be writing financial blogs about student loans. it would be great experience.

 

i also decided to give being a suicide girls another shot. i applied once when i was like 19 and i was accepted but i never followed up on it. I’m glad i did bc i was really too young then and i would of been doing it for all the wrong reasons. it could of potentially eaten me up alive. Suicide girls is a female nude photography website. it’s all about alternative beauty and the women on there usually have tatts and piercings and sometimes dreads. you do have to show it all if i remember correctly, full nudity but not in every picture. it used to be a photography set showing one moment in your day involving a strip tease. i think it’s beautiful and sexy, not slutty but that’s my personal opinion. i know if i did it it would exclude me from certain things ( like pageants) but that might be worth the risk. i know i have to consider that once i commit to that if I’m approved then i have my nude self is going to be the property of someone else and forever accessible again not sure if that bothers me but it’s not something to consider lightly. they pay $500 if your picture is one the front page- wow! i issue the more hits you get the more days you hit front page the more money you make 😀 😀 😀 so my question to myself is, am i selling my soul if i do this? i’m leaning toward no and here’s why… the way other people see me is honestly none of my business. sometimes i can’t even go in sweat pants without lewd stares from men. if a man’s going to think of me sexually i can’t really do anything about it and it’s not all bad. even though it makes me uncomfortable i know i would miss the attention if it went away entirely I’m in the best shape of my life right now and only getting better with age, it is sometime to be celebrated! plus one of my favorite things about me is how unique i am and how deep. I’m every bit as innocent as i am naughty I’m a christian and I’m imperfect – i just feel like I’m all around not what you would expect, i can’t be labeled, i don’t fit any stereotype- I’m just me.

regardless, i’ve increased my social media presence over 500% in the past 6 months on Facebook! it’s growing ever day!!! in january I had maybe 250 friends and no i’m upwards of 2000! for the first time in ever possibly i actually see myself in 5 years, and in cause you’re wondering i’m doing very very well 😉

 

i also took on a new internship at WCAA . it’s another non profit with a radio station. they are brand new and not as established as the sanctuary. they need me 🙂 for fundraising i suggested we host a pageant and they’re behind the idea! it’s too early to tell if it will come to fruition but i think it’s amazing and it’s something I’ve really wanted to do. I was really inspired while running for Miss Albany, it was a really difficult time. I was still super depressed, crying everyday, suicidal sometimes… I remember running around trying to collect money for Kiss For Kyle Foundation and feeling just so drained. I became further discouraged because fundraising for charity was a lot harder than i thought it would be- i thought it would be easy! all i managed to muster up really was $10 in cash, $50 in gift certificates to Jack’s Oyster House, and some flyers. Still the experience made me realize just how could of a heart I had: there I was all hopeless and sad and still busting my ass to raise money for other people. i felt empty but somehow i still had something to give and my charity really gave back to me, getting me involved in something outside of myself. it’s a beautiful cycle. i mean sure i wanted to win too – i wanted that competitive edge but it wasn’t required.

all those times seem far behind me now though and i’m feeling really present lately. today would be my mothers 61st birthday and next month it’ll be officially one year since she passed.

alright, back to bed or back to friends 😛

xoxo

 

update: i made a new friend today and she told me not to confuse God with motivation. at first i was offended because i’ve always considered myself a motivated person. i decided to look the word up and it basically means purpose. i have been lacking a sense of purpose lately and i started worry. then i realized how much of today i spent worrying, all day. and mostly about what others thought… and i decided that if i can’t believe in anyone or anything at the very least i can believe in myself. i’ve been through enough, it didn’t kill me and i still came out on top.  suddenly the world seems very small in a very big way and i feel better about things again ❤

 

i ❤ new friends

Adios

recap of the summer this far…

June kicked off with the Miss Tourism NY pageant weekend. Everything that could go wrong did as I traveled to NYC. Missing paperwork caused me to leave about an hour or two later than I planned and in return I got to the city and missed orientation and most of the interviews. I had parked about 3 or 4 blocks away and walked. It was hot and humid and I arrived sweating balls. After my interview I had to return to my car for my evening dress for pictures. Again I returned sweating balls. It didn’t make for great photographs. Day two the organization had us rehearsing until show time and rushed us through getting ready. Technical difficulties had the music not working and the Hosts messed up our order and our names. The lady helping me with my dress didn’t put it on properly, a fact that the chaperone pointed out slyly. All in all I left the event ready for the ring ( that is to say ready to punch someone in the face repeatedly).

I returned home to my new job at Luckystrike, the brand new concert venue/bowling alley/arcade. I loved the promise it held. Only 3 weeks in I was fired by the same person who hired me because she didn’t feel that I was a “team player”. This same person encouraged me to quit my other job so she didn’t have to compete with scheduling and I assured her this position would be my main priority outside of training. I got the text at the exact same time as I received a call from a staffing agency regarding another position I applied for and was not getting. I was devastated so I packed up my car and immediately headed to Grafton Lake. I spent the following few days seriously working on my tan (while also crying on the beach). It quickly became overkill, but that very first day was quite poignant. I remember laying on the beach, crying, and digging my hands into the sand. The second layer of beach was a little bit moist so it molded to my hand and it felt like the earth was holding me. It was comforting. So after Luckystrike I ended up at the welfare office, which I think says more about them than it does me. I also ended up getting my job back at the sex store/head shop, Deja Vu. It was, too, short lived.

Somewhere in between I had my falling out with the dojo and I started looking for a new gym. I didn’t have to look very long: the first place I tried out turned out to be a good fit. Changing gyms might be the best thing that happened all summer. It’s cheaper, closer, with more teachers, and they’ve made me feel very at home. Plus they subscribe to my favorite magazine for some reason and the manager said I can have it ( I believe his exact words were “you can have anything you want” ). Whoa, tell a woman that and she might just fall in love with you 😛

Right after my previous post ( literally the same day I think) I got let go from Deja Vu. This time for a valid reason at least on paper. It’s kind of an anything goes environment unless of course you step on the manager Jo Jo’s toes, and then of course all hell breaks loose. She showed up hours late for her shift to find I had left early and she fired me. I didn’t mind so much though because I had been looking hard for new job when I was hired at Luckystrike due to both the hours ( ranging from 12-18) and the environment (drugs, sex, drama… not exactly the ideal place for a growing Christian). I was averaging about $70- $90 a week which of course was better than nothing but no where near enough.

Since then I’ve had several job interviews ranging from $9 to $18 but nothings panned out which leads me to think that it’s time for a change. I’ve been working on revamping The Modern Scribe, among other things, and I’m considering moving either out of the state or out of the country. In the meantime I’ve been focusing on my spiritual health and wellbeing because there’s a lot of pain and sadness I’ve been carrying around for too long and now seems as good as time as any to really get my mind right so I can hone in on my next steps. I’ve been offered an internship at a monastery. It’s unpaid but includes room and board. It isn’t going to make for a super exciting couple of weeks but it would be an excellent way to take a break, stand still, and really listen for God’s voice.

That said, lately I find myself really struggling with my faith and despite my best intentions I really feel as if my hearts just not in it. I don’t care about anything really and the things I do care about feel out of reach at the moment.

Yet I’m becoming more and more obsessed with pageants and I have a small handful I am hoping to participate in this year. I was invited to attend one last weekend. I was added to the guest list by a Facebook friend and upgraded to VIP upon arrival, a nice feeling. It was a great show and really nice to be spectating for a change. I recognized many faces from Facebook which made me laugh, what a strange feeling to have friends you never met and to see them live for the first time. Although I still can’t say that I’ve “met them” as I left right after the show. The one person I did meet was none other than one of the girls from the gym, the very one that got me into pageantry. She was a host. And no she was not the reason I left right after show, I was overall just feeling emotional and ready to cry from a strong breeze. An extra long chili cheese coney from Sonic helped 😉

Monday I dropped off an note at my old gym apologizing for what happened and  saying good bye. It probably would of meant more if I apologized in person but I had no interest in seeing anyone. I am sorry things didn’t work out but I’m happy to finally close the door on that chapter of my life and I feel a sense of closure. At least I know I’ve made my peace enough that if I should leave the area I won’t feel like I need to go back and say Goodbye. It’s been said.

 

 

 

Chapter 19

on my 21 first birthday I left off on chapter 19 in the series ‘Twilight’, the chapter titled ‘Goodbyes’. I never did finish reading the book come to think of it but my life changed forever on that day.

I had a happy childhood but I sometimes felt a bit disconnected. A series of important friendships ended when the other person moved away… Starting with Amanda, a cute hatian girl I can barely remember from church. I started calling myself Amanda for a little bit. Then my best friend, Jaqueline, my neighbor and partner in crime. Jaqueline and I loved swimming & Jaqueline had a pool. I remember many slumber parties and extending swimming season well into winter. On one occasion Jacqueline and I stood over her pool shaking in our bikini’s ( Mine was turquoise and had elephant head which made noise if you squeezed it) and dared each other to jump in. I jumped in and Jaqueline punked out. I was so upset but I swam anyways and had a good time. Mary Catherine another friend from church with whom I used to play some weird cat burglar game. And most upsettingly, Grace and Roland.

I remember very vividly Sunday mornings with Grace and my mom. Light streaming in through stained glass windows and me with my head in Grace’s lap and my feet in my mom’s. I used to wonder who I loved more. When I was 5 Roland and Grace decided to move to California because Roland had been working and commuting and it was starting to take a toll on their relationship. Devastated, I suggested they get divorced. Everything seems so simple to the mind of a child. Devastated as I was, I became blessed to have friends in California and a new love for travel began. We continued to visit Grace and Roland every summer for several years, first in California then in Virginia and lastly in Tennessee…well into my high school years.

Still when I reflect back on my youth I realize how easy I learned to say Goodbye. In fact, shyness and social anxiety turned ‘Goodbyes’ into something to look forward to, a relief. A habit I am still bound to today.And I think it’s both a blessing and a curse. It takes a certain level of resilience to walk away. When I was 20 my childhood house was foreclosed on and the bank threw away 95% of my belongings. I just didn’t have time, didn’t have storage, and didn’t have the money to house all my things.

Yearbooks, stuffed animals, clothes (occasionally I’ll have dreams about dress or top I used to have and how much more awesome it’d look on me know), jewelry ( including a black pearl Grace bought me on a boardwalk and a opal I purchased in Australia), pictures, CDs, records, years of diaries… everything. My stuffed animals were very important to me, they all had names, stories, and lives. The favorites that I miss are Waldo a big black dog and JJ a big green elephant ( both of whom I married at one point), Hannah a gift from a sweet man named Kirby at my church ( gifted after an auction fundraiser in which there was this huge floppy eared dog I wanted. My mom got outbid and I cried profusely. Kirby, the auctioneer, showed up Hannah the following sunday). There was also some interesting things my Grandfather had that I never really got to investigate, like a blood stained and chipped Nazi dagger from his war days.

Mom and I pulled up to the house to grab some additional things and it was locked. I got in around the back and it was empty, cleaned out as if no one had ever lived there at all- 20 years erased. I think my mom thought I was going to be hysterical but instead I said Goodbye, and I never looked back. The truth is I had way too much stuff. It was going to be a little more than a rehashing of my epic “runaway” experience at age 2 or 3 ( or 4). I came home and my Grandfather was picking on me. I threatened to runaway and unphased by Grandfather said “bye” pretty much. I began packing my suitcase immediately, grabbing JJ and Waldo, and Eddie, and other stuffed animals only to realize I had no room for anything else and being so small couldn’t bring another bag. Foiled, I sat down and shut up.

Still, I was heartbroken and I felt violated. I stifled the feeling, next…

so I began to harden and continued to do so over the past 6 years.