and don’t call me ‘Shirely’

Just returned home from my first day of volunteer at the church. It was kind of a slow day: there were only 3 girls and they didn’t stay very long, mainly just long enough to eat and color some Popsicle sticks. I was forewarned that these children that frequent the church can be rowdy and violent at times, so suffice to say I was nervous and didn’t know what to expect. It was OK though. For most of the time it was just me, Pastor Hannah and another adult Stephen. Stephen and R. Hannah shared good conversation and both promised to help me learn to play the guitar. It was fun! I noticed that girls that time come into though lacked manners. Better than being violent. They had a tendency to ignore Stephen when he was trying to joke with him and at one point one demanded a PB&J sandwich. Later in the day ( after the girls left and returned) a 4th girl stopped in. The eldest of the previous 3 ( two sisters and one close friend) asked the 4th girl “what are you?” then began to rattle of racial combinations. As someone who is light skinned, light eyed, and usually wears her straight, I’ve been asked the same question many times. It’s always offensive and I usually reply, “I’m human” which is never satisfactory answer. People just gotta know what to label, what ‘category’ you belong in: it’s frustrating. For dinner we made enchiladas. Eh, more like quesadilla’s with chicken in them but they were tasty. All in all it was a great day.

Early this morning I had some odd dreams. The one I remember involved my friend Tiffany whom I met in middle school orchestra class. Back in November I think or maybe it was September I ran into Tiffany at the Troy Traffic Court. She called out to me as I was leaving and asked me “Do you remember me”. I recall thinking she looked familiar and I was about ready to say that she probably recognized me from when I worked at Stewart’s in Bellevue when she said “Sunrise Middle School”. It was quit shocking, I don’t think I ever saw her again after middle school. Well in my dream Tiffany and I met up so she could return my memory card from when she did that photo shoot with me. We met up at some random time like 1am somewhere desolate and dark and she returned my card and I asked her to wait for me cause the bus wasn’t coming for a while and it was dark & sketchy. She then received a call from someone else we both knew and that person wanted to hang out so she asked me if I wanted to hang out with this 3rd person (in Vermont I think) and I obliged (mostly just not wanting to be where I was anymore). The next thing I knew I was in a hannaford or a safeway and when I left the store the other friend I’ve known from middle school, Terrence, walked by me but didn’t acknowledge me and I called out to him. He spoke to me but kept his distance, seemingly not wanting to associate with me but doing so out of respect ( or guilt idk). I had a feeling in my dream that he didn’t want his GF to see us talking but she was nowhere around that I saw. Also during the entire dream I had my tongue pierced and then I got my lip pierced ( the area below my lip) and it was very painful and I had some big eyesore of piercing in it and I kept playing with it ( which is the reason why I don’t have either pierced anymore cause I can’t help but chew on them). Shortly after that the dream ended but I just remember the pain in the dream from lip felt so real.

I was feeling pretty bummed this morning. Tiffany did stop by today and dropped off my memory card ( which is not prophetic, it was a planned we made yesterday). Always nice to see a familiar face- especially one familiar of home. I guess it doesn’t take an expect to know that my dream was most likely me feeling like my friends back home have moved on without me, which is true and expected- I mean I know they miss me, I know they will make time to see me next time I visit, but I also know or at least I think that if I moved home we probably wouldn’t hang out like ‘good ole days’. And I guess in my dream I was sticking with Tiffany cause the sense of something familiar from home was comforting. And I feel very alone at times and in the dark.

Well anyways, I’ve been praying that God comes me a sense of direction. I need to feed the fire and find the mission again.


Another door opens

Went to church this morning and left feeling very inspired. We studied Genesis, the story of Joseph. Joseph was the chosen son of Abraham and he was the envy of his brothers. To add insult to injury he was kind of an asshole about his position and he teased his brothers. As a result of his taunting and their jealousy they conspired against him: selling him to slave owners. However God remained by Joseph’s side and made him prosperous first as a slave (his owner loved him and put him in charge of his household), then as a prisoner (although he was wrongfully accused and committed, he became the favorite of the warden who again put him in charge) and then by the Pharaoh himself who eventually  made second in command. Through Joseph’s time of imprisonment and enslavement, God kept his promise to bless him. My pastor made a great point that perhaps the greatest treasure Joseph received was that of a humble heart.

Im guilty of being vain, self centered, and boastful and I repent for being that way. I’m excited to see how God will use me and I’m ready.

Looking forward to the week ahead. My mma classes are postponed indefinitely for me, in the meantime I will be volunteering at the church, studying Solomon’s Song of Songs with my pastor and maybe taking up a community, yoga class.

I definitely felt the spirit of God in church today and eager to feel it again.


&& sometimes darkness loves the light

today I met up with Rev Christina from a local church in Troy. We were connected through my family friend Grace who has been encouraging me to seek out a spiritual community. While I have tried several churches since I moved to NY ( and before moving), I hadn’t really connected with any but I have definitely felt the lack of such a presence in my life. So it was great to meet up with R. Christina. She was really nice and not at all pushy or condescending, plus I felt like we had a lot to talk about. Before taking up pastoral duties, Christina was a reporter who lived in Bakersfield, California. Christina bought me lunch and coffee at my favorite diner in Troy ( the one with all the cute guys 🙂 ) and I was very grateful. It was like a date with Christ! (The best date I’ve been on this year for sure).

the next chapter of my life i’m pretty sure involves this church, at least while i’m living in the area. The Rev has a very small church that works mostly with youth ( young black youth) and I like this because I feel that there is a lot of positive things about working with children. I cherish my experience growing up and I know that being raised a Christian has made a huge difference in my life. I feel that it’s been what has kept me from going too far left or too far right.

taking a step back from dojjj indefinitely i guess. and im thinking about picking up another full time job. if i don’t work myself to death in the next few months, i’ll deff have money to do whatever i want by christmas.

also i was feeling disappointed a few days a go that my summer seemed like it was shaping up to be a snooze fest,

but i’ve decided that i’m going to the 3 day phish show and glen watkins. i signed up to work it 😀 so hopefully it’ll pay for itself. i’m trying to get my roch friends to work it with me

also a friend is running for office locally and i offered to use my skilllzzz to help him. i’m super excited. 🙂