…but I’ll say it again,

Today I started studying Song of Songs with my pastor. We met up at the Daily Grind and Christina bought me coffee (yay :)) Although we most covered background information ( and got largely sidetracked by my non-related Christian quandaries…) I feel that it was a great study and I learned a lot. Again I felt the spirit and I was deeply moved by our conversations. I think one of my favorite things about Christina is that she is a born again C. Having that history in the secular world makes her very down to earth and easy to talk too. We discussed how the title of book is sometimes referred to either as ‘Solomon’s Song of Songs’ or ‘Song of Solomon’ and how it’s debated whether or not Solomon is the protagonist in the story, however history advises us that Solomon (who was born of King David and Bathsheba and was the richest, most powerful and successful king of Israel) had 1000 wives and concubines and therefor is unlikely that he would be the leading man in the poem as the poem describes a relationship between a single man and woman (and God). (Unless of course Solomon was saying that this particular woman was his favorite and he wished he didn’t have those other Hoes around- haha.) Apparently the title ‘Song of Songs’ means that this poem stands as the ultimate Love Song ( the greatest). It features a lot of metaphors, motifs, and parallelisms. I thought it was interesting how the leading lady in the book refers to herself as a flower but specifies that she is simple and common flower and no different from the rest. Personally I feel that I have egotistical thoughts but humble actions (at times- heh o.O), at least that’s how I view myself. Sometimes that’s mistaken for insecurity and maybe that’s what it is sometimes (I’ve always been shy, I’m down right antisocial at times)…but I identify with what the female protagonist is saying here. The book covers beauty and it’s always a good reminder that true beauty comes from the heart and the kind of person you are. I feel that I am an outstanding person and I think it’s my heart that is the most beautiful ( and at times the most ugly) thing about me but we live in a world where appearance matters more substance and substance is frequently cast aside.

Song of Songs 2:1 I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.

I’ve been feeling sheepish lately for what I wrote to myself in the ML describing my beauty, I know I shouldn’t feel that way though as there is nothing wrong with an ode to the self but I felt subsequently that I went into great detail describing how lovely I was as if I don’t know, as if I don’t hear it constantly, as if I haven’t heard it constantly my whole life ( although when I was younger the people I heard it from were always older which in a way felt less validating at the time. I wouldn’t say I was an ‘ugly duckling’ growing up I just think I was- well the same as now- different and a lot of my features were features that little boys didn’t appreciate the way a man does). The part that makes me feel sheepish is when trying to follow up with what makes me really amazing, my inner self, I draw a blank. So I’ve been reflecting on and I think reading this chapter and reading about what true beauty and true love is all about I will have more to write about on that in the future. We didn’t discuss it today but one of my favorite biblical verses is Psalms 139: 23 & 24:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Trust me, if you pray this you will see your offensive ways! LOL Harsh. My ultimate takeaway is that one should hide their heart in God so that if anyone seeks his or heart they have to go through God to get it and God is love ( 1 John 4:8).

Anyways, I digress, it was a great study and I’m blessed to have found such an amazing person to talk to. To be apart of the Christian family is to be apart of a large and expansive network of people all over the world whom albeit are not anymore ‘perfect’ than the rest of society but who are more loving ( and therefor more forgiving and understanding) just so long as it is God they are truly seeking. I’m eager to grow my Christian family in the area so I am volunteering at the church and I am excited to start this Saturday. I know I’ve said it before…but when I think about all the causes out there and all the problems of the world I feel that at the root of it is people not loving other people. The way people vilify poor people, the racial and economic tensions, and all the hostility and rage you see out in the world can you image how it would be if everyone came from a place of love? It is why I can’t fully give myself to any one cause because I think most treat a symptom and not the root issue… for example, the BlackLivesMatter (which yes, obviously black lives do matter) but ALL lives matter and to distinguish is to separate and there for perpetuate that separation rather than unify. It should be a human rights issue not a ‘black’ problem or a racial cause. At the root of the issue is the idea that someone is different or less than because their black when really it comes from fear from separation and the non belief that color is only skin deep. If people felt that way the we’d see radical change and that is ultimately why I decided that the only cause worth living for ( dying for, should that be the case) is spreading the word of God and Jesus because it is the personal relationship with the divine that gives inner peace.

Okay, end rant. 😀  I also volunteered to help my friend with his campaign for Troy City Council. I figured it would be a great way to get involved and I always feel inspired when someone I know is trying to change the way things are. I can’t say that I agree with everything he is about 100% but I appreciate that is heart is in the right place. And of course, anything to keep building that portfolio 😉 We met up last night to discuss some ideas and then we will meet again today for some photographs. It should be a great experience. The same friend also advised me that the ML is up for sale. So I did some light research myself and found that this is true and I emailed the owner for more information it is unlikely ( or at least feels unlikely) that I would be in a position to buy the paper, but hey knowledge is power. Long term goal wise I would love to have my own publication, that has been a dream of mine for sometime. One of the many. But as with many dreams I’m not holding to them quiet so tightly anymore. I’ve been watching one of my favorite shows lately (binge watching actually), Angel, and in season 2 I think, Angel “the vampire with a soul” has a discussion with another character after he has this like mental breakdown and goes on a rampage against this evil law firm Wolfram and Hart regarding his epiphany in which he realizes essentially that nothing matters: the good versus evil fight will always be there until literally the end of time. It is therefor that while big picture wise nothing we do matters and as a result the only thing that matters is what we do. Very existential. In the end we all die- no matter how famous, rich, beautiful or whatever we are or whatever we’ve accomplished. In time we will be forgotten, unless we do something grand like Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr, Hitler or Stalin and even then as time goes on those people to will be reduced to smaller and smaller blurbs in history books and should time go on long enough, also forgotten. So in the end the greatest thing one can do is live a fulfilling life. I guess most of us spend most of our time trying to figure out what fulfills us. Which is why the greatest relationship we can have is the one with the self, it can truly be a life long romance. Which is entirely why I even bothered to write to myself in the ML anyways. (That and to show those boys how to write a loveletter :P)

me baby pic (1) - Edited
baby me and the love of my life

after all this time (1)

…  that’s the kind of love I want. Maybe it’ll find me, maybe it won’t. Maybe it already has in more ways than one. But the heart is far too precious to let just anyone have it. We are all damaged goods. It is important to know that God loves us like that so that’s what I’m chasing, and when I put it like that, I’ve found it for sure (always had it in fact).


Not for the weak of heart

Got a little feisty a couple of weekends ago.
It all started on Friday the 13th when I was standing on the corner of washington and state st in front of Schenectady county community college. as i was standing there waiting for the bus i noticed that i was literally stopping traffic with the number of people slowing to a halt to check me out. it was then it dawned on me… I’m A Hottie. Sure I’ve known myself to be attractive but to myself I’m the same girl I always was. Like a dog that doesn’t realize it’s not a puppy anymore. That’s me. Ready to jump on my mama’s lap. I’ve done martial arts for about 11 months now and I’ve probably lost about 60 lbs. I know I’ve talked about my ‘dojo’ before but the amount of change I’ve gone through in the past months can’t be summed in the amount of lbs I’ve shed. First though I have lost about 60, I’m pretty fit. Still some excess weight to lose but not a lot of jiggle left. Other things are not as tangible. I feel so much happier and more confident. The self-worth definitely shot through the roof. At every stage though I can’t help but wonder, “What’s next”. It seems that the old adage ‘no rest for the wicked’ remains true. In my life celebration is short-lived for ever benchmark achieved. My latest achievement has been aquiring the ‘job of my dreams’ at a jewelry store. I set a goal. I pounded the pavement. I kept my focus. And I got the job. Of course after I started working is when the flood of calls and emails came in for interviews at other places. I definitely feel very blessed. I’ve worked the job for about 2 weeks ( today being the start of the 3rd) and I really like my job. I feel as if I made a right choice and found an industry where I feel I fit. Still, I’m left wanting. Not feeling as fulfilled as I thought I would. I can’t help but feel that making money aside, my life is lacking friendship and love. I have plenty of friends all over the world but few in the area and zero family. Maybe that would be ok but I can’t stand this cold weather and I’m always out in it walking and taking the bus. I get restless at times, ready for the next jump off. It seems I’m happiest when lifes moving too fast to stop and look around. Now I’m looking around and I’m thinking… summer is coming. Festivals, shows, and Phish. Summer is the time where the North East comes alive. Everyone has been hiding out and hibernating in the winter and once the nice weather hits everyone wants to tear it up. The idea of spending more time alone is way too much to bear. I often think of going home as throwing in the towl but maybe its not. I’m not from here. This place doesnt belong to me nor me to it. If I did go back to Arizona I would likely try to move before it gets too hott but it would never be a destination for me. Just a bump in the road on my journey to california. I remember the day after my 21st birthday. My estranged father of 19 years came home only to abandon me again, except this time in person. Suffice to say my relationships with men have mostly just been filled with disappointment. It’s really all I know to expect from them at this point. So maybe someday I meet someone who can make me feel differently, but until that day it seems like it would be better to live somewhere near people I love and not alone in the icy tundra.

Or maybe I’ll sign up for the peace corp.

of everyone I talk to no one believes in love anymore…
I’m starting to think they’re right.
Still, I feel that most of the love people search for is the one the comes from the divine. I said before that I was guilty of searching for love more than I was searching for God…that’s probably true of most people. A real ‘coming to Jesus’ moment happened for me after my last entanglement with my Ex. Every time I’ve had to see him so far he’s done nothing but disrespect me. But after the last time I felt so terrible I was really contemplating suicide. So I took a bunch of aspirin and drank all the booze I could find in my apartment. That was in January. So obviously I’m still standing. The circumstance pretty much broke me down so much that there was nothing left but my roots which turns out where Christian. Thinking about my friends growing up and my church up Tatum Blvd Church of Christ reminded me not just of what I was missing, but what makes me different. Why I’m always the one to give away my last dollar for someone else to have lunch when I don’t even know where my next meal is coming from…I’m different because I’m a Christian and I’ll never be like the same. I’ve tried to run from it but I can’t its part of who I am.
And I’m glad about that. But it doesn’t change the loneliness and need for community, friendship or love. I may just have to go home for that.