this weekend i had somewhat of a sad feeling wash over me. started friday. sometimes you feel other times far. a pastor at a church i went to this morning, Terra Nova, advised me that a big part of our walk with God is about the journey more so than the destination. And I believe that to be true. Still I wish I had a bit more direction.

I guess I’m holding myself back.

Lots and lots of changes this week, mostly just starting new jobs. My main gig at a major retail outlet that is new to area and a short term gig at the Albany Social Justice Center with my roommate ( who also happens to be the director). Later this month I’ll be moving but I’m not sure where. I’ll be said to be taking a step back from The Sanctuary just after I found them again but I can’t be everywhere. And I’m not sure how school is going to fit into the big picture here- again only so many hours in the day/days in the week. I don’t want to be overwhelmed again. And with all the other things I want to due to advance my career and lively hood and physical goals, not sure how that will leave time to serve in a church environment. So I guess I’ll keep praying on that.

For old times sake,

screenshot-albany.craigslist.org 2015-08-02 22-08-45

I doubt it’ll be one of my more popular posts… maybe that’s good though. I’ll be happy for a handful of genuine, authentic responses. Especially in the event that I do find the one whom my soul loves.

Well that would just be grand wouldn’t it?


Home sweet home


Finally started cleaning my room tonight

what makes it such an undertaking of a task is the fact that my room is tiny and i have a LOT of stuff (especially clothes)…and it is hard to rearrange things and find home for things when everything is just everywhere in a small space.

today my big adventure was going to my bodega for a lucy: my favorite thing about New York is the proximity of ‘bodegas’ or corner stores. Most sell ‘lucys’ or a single cigarette and my favorite BEEF PATTIES. No beef patties today ( 😥 )

So I know I’ve spoken a lot about the book in the Bible, Song of Songs. Honestly I’ve been kind of obsessed lately, obsessed in a healthy way. I had my own epiphany as I was reading it (around 2-3am ) this morning…I started feeling encouraged. I will just mention a couple of things and then I won’t talk about it again in this post ( I hope I’m not becoming a broken record).

First, I’ve been doing some research on the book as it is rather a controversial book for Christians. Reason being it is quite graphic ( not at all graphic by today’s standards) and it’s also cryptic. There are many Christians out there that believe that the book is one big allegory representing the relationship between man/woman and God. Personally, I don’t buy it. And I think that ideology robs SOS of its beauty ( not because God’s love for is isn’t beautiful- it is, but the bible is full of examples of how great and grand his love for us is. SOS is stunning in the way that it shows that the love between man and woman can be grand and wonderful in its own right). As with all else that is good in this world ( and bad as the case may be) God created it. God made us in such a way that we enjoy sex ( not all creatures on this planet do) and I think its a problem in these times that there isn’t a whole lot of in between. Meaning, sex tends to be looked at either in a prolific way or a sinful way or a plain/boring/vanilla kind of way ( mostly not even talked about it within the church). As a result I think it turns people off from having a relationship with God because one might feel ashamed for their sexual urges or their past sexual history. Having cohabited with a man and having had a sexual relationship with him that was outside of marriage, I remember feeling so terrible about it: I knew what I was doing was not glorifying God and I felt that I was at a crossroads that deeping that relationship with God was going a different direction than being with Nick and I was right and I choose Nick ( I choose Nick desperately and anxiously: always praying and hoping that relationship would grow and flourish but always feeling empty and like I was giving, giving, giving but not getting much back). I’m glad I did because what I know now is that that whole time I still had a relationship with Christ and even though I was turning my back on him he was still with me every step of the way and it was all part of a bigger picture that I couldn’t see it. After that relationship was over I thought initially that I was going to fall into my next relationship and off I’d go into a different direction but I was wrong…

Or in a way I was right, I just didn’t understand that that relationship was with myself and with Christ/God. And during that time I needed that personal space to really first find myself again and for the first time but also accept myself, really see myself for who I am -the good, the bad, the ugly- and LOVE myself. I spent a lot of time looking and looking for someone else and just not finding anyone that I could really connect with(except the one person I did want to spend time with and did feel a connection with, but refused to speak to). During that time though I came back to center: I found that silly, stubborn, passionate, and loving ‘little lady’ (my Grandfather’s nickname for me ❤ ) that I’ve always been again.

BUT as a humanbeing and as a young woman with a sexual history (albiet not a huge one, and not really a great one…) I am really looking forward to sex. It’s worth waiting for because I know next time it will be intimate, it will be an expression of love. Just because I’m Christian, I don’t think that dirty, kinky, freaky sex is off the table it’s just about the context. And the context of SOS is beautiful and it’s graphic and it’s a man who meets a woman who he doesn’t want to be without and as their relationship grows the couple gets to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.

What was encouraging about my reading this morning were the passages in which the lovers reaffirm their feelings for each other. I’ve been in an anti-love funk: not having it & wanting it realllllly makes it hard to hear about it butttt instead of feeling sad, I felt excited! I felt excited because for the first time (ever) I can say ( or write) that there IS someone out there for me and every day I grow closer to having him in my life, whoever he is.

My beloved is mine and I am his ( SOS 2:16).

Place me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm;
For love is as strong as death, Its jealousy unyielding as the grave (SOS 8:6).

[I am] a secret garden, a private and pure garden (SOS 4:12).

And so tonight I clean my room and I prepare for days to come. I will be moving within the next month or so, relocating most likely to Albany. No plans that are concrete at this point, but I figure for now I will see if going back to HVCC this fall is a feasible option. If it is then come fall I will be working in Colonie, doing my MMA classes, and working on getting my associates degree. I will continue to grow in my faith and seek community with other Christians in whatever way I can. If I do not end up going back to school this fall then I will likely pick up a second job and start reallly (really, really) saving money and then I think I will follow through on my dream to move to Seattle. We’ll see, it is impossible to plan because life can change in an instance. And we all know how I just love to go with the flow. But for now at least I find comfort in the fact the I am moving towards something and completely my number 1 goal for the year is my main commitment, it will be a great reward and a gift to myself. I just don’t feel sick over it anymore: I’m confident that I will achieve it and therefor, in a way, I already have. The war is won, even though the battle rages on.

❤ i feel peace in my heart.



New metroland with my response in it’s entirety:




And a challenge apparently…


I’m laughing at my phrasing “blowing past you”

And the this mysterious other person seemed to like my phrasing… in fact, they gave me permission to “blow” by them again, so long as I smile and hold a copy of the metroland…

Mmm there’s someone who I’d like to blow alright, if it is who I think it is…
I’m way too horny. I know people can see the sexual frustration all over my face. Like literally men stop me in the streets to let me know…they yell at me from their cars, try to chat me up when I’m waiting for the bus and go out of their way just to be seen by me.

I’m not completely insecure and I do own a mirror, I’m just not sure I see what they see.



Too many dirty thoughts

This person makes me




she loves you… yeah yeah yeah

so first things first

i totally bitched out on going to class tonight. sometimes when the bus is pulling up to the stop my heart gets all fluttery and is like ‘no no no’ …today was one of those days.

Actually today was a very interesting day indeed. It started off with the bus being late to pick me up from schenectady county community college. i guess it broke down somewhere cause a ‘not in service’ bus passed, about 10 mins late, and then right after a white van pulls up full of people and the driver is like ‘hey you waiting for the bus?” and I said yes of course and he motioned me to hop in. LOL so i literally got in a white van today and yet no free candy! I was a couple mins late to work which was literally not my fault. Shit happens. Well shortly after opening the district store manager shows up and then shit got real. It got real fast. I never met her before but her rep proceeds her. She was very nice but intimidating. She said I had a beautiful smile. Which I’ve been hearing a lot lately? The man I interviewed with yesterday said the same exact thing. So after a few hours with the DM, my store manager comes in. And it turns out he got the sack. Demoted actually not fired. I’m glad he still has a job and I’m also glad he isn’t my manager anymore. Industry term: “sandbagging” pretty much means you killed a sale so bad it can’t be saved when you “turn it over” to another associate. My manager was sandbagging me. He refused to teach me anything really. And in generally he was just an unhappy person. It was always something. Too many hours but he’s salary, so-and-so didn’t do this right but he’d rather just complain about then actually talk to him or her (usually her) directly, bitch bitch bitch. Me I’m coming off a rougghhhh year so I just don’t want to hear it. You don’t like your life? Change it. I do it allll the time. It’s hard. It usually means sacrifice but believe me when I say I will do whatever it takes to get what I want. As long as I don’t have to sacrifice my integrity because I just won’t- I’d rather die and I mean that. Aside from that it’s allllll blood sweat and tears baby. My former manager was a “man’s man” I guess. He always talked down about women and whenever I would ask for more responsibility he would kind of shoo me off. But he’s passive aggressive. There’s an important meeting coming up that will teach me selling techniques. I told him over and over again ‘please let me go. i’ll rent a car…whatever it takes’ and he said fine. Come to find out today from a third party that he never signed me up, only signed up the only dude working at the story bc he has vehicle access. WTF! I’m thinking to myself, ‘You know I don’t have sales experience. You told me you loved that I had the customer service experience and you’d teach me sales. Bullllll shit.” I think he pretty much hired me to stand around and be pretty, which I’m great but I’ also super smart too. He was pretty much running the store into the ground. And now we have a new manager who is all about her shit. Change can be scary when you mixing up a routine and the whole vibe changes. But ultimately I’ve learned more from HER in one day then I did from him in 3 weeks. And she’s going to teach me how to use the ring polishing machine and how to change watch batteries and the like. I’ve had a few “leaders” who try to be great but just fall short. Not everyone has what it takes. To be a great leader you have to take risks, make tough choices ANNNNDDD make them swiftly. Not everyone is going to like the decision but that’s ok- got to do what’s best for the big picture. He is a very caring person though and I think in part he wanted to “protect me” which is nice but I’m an adult. I don’t need a father, I need a leader. You lead, I’ll follow – it’s that simple. Tell me what to do and I’ll get it done. That’s what I really love and respect about my Sensi. It seems that things are pretty cut and dry. I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes of course but I know he has a thriving establishment. You get that by being a person that can make decisions and follow through. Not to mention, want to talk about working a lot and not nesciarilly increasing you funds thennn let’s talk about being self employed, business owner, and or a parent…those are 24/7 jobs. So get outta hear with that bitchassness.

Ok i’m done. Next LOL

I mailed off a thank you card to the man I interviewed with yesterday. He was so nice. I think ideally I’d like to get my bearings in the industry and then hop over but we will see. I know he is looking for part-time and I’m cool with that. This 40 hr week is breaking my non existent balls (or maybe it’s breaking my ben wa balls hardy har har). Wouldn’t be as much of a struggle with a car I just don’t see how a car is really possible at this point. With car insurance, maintenance, a down payment…feels impossible. Nothing is impossible but we will see. I don’t mind the bus I just mind the distance really. I’m mean if my whole life was in colonie then I’d be set. But I actually like living in Troy. Whatever. For now it is what it is and the soonest I’d be looking at getting a vehicle would probably be the end of April.

Full disclosure here. I know I mentioned my “watermark” yesterday, so I just have to put it out there into the universe that I Love Him. It’s pretty crazy to have someone on your mind so constantly when you don’t really know them, to see them in your dreams, to wake up saying their name, to look into the eyes of many many guys and only be able to take in that their not him and yet when I’m with the Watermark I can barely look directly at him. When I do I mostly just get lost in his eyes so I’m not even entirely sure what the full picture looks like. Like sure I could pick him out of a line up but when ever I do sneak a peak he always looks different. I’m left wondering “are you real or an illusion?” LOL

Just had to say that in fact I couldn’t go another min without letting it out so that’s why I didn’t go to class. I wanted to come home and write instead. More than jewelry sales I will first and foremost always be a writer. and second a fighter. and maybe someday an English teacher. but working at a jewelry store is amazing. i hope someday to be someone who goes out and finds the gems myself. Travel and rocks- I’m allllll about it.

Off on a short adventure. When I get back I’m going to post the first chapter of story I’ve been sitting on. I’m very very excited.

Not for the weak of heart

Got a little feisty a couple of weekends ago.
It all started on Friday the 13th when I was standing on the corner of washington and state st in front of Schenectady county community college. as i was standing there waiting for the bus i noticed that i was literally stopping traffic with the number of people slowing to a halt to check me out. it was then it dawned on me… I’m A Hottie. Sure I’ve known myself to be attractive but to myself I’m the same girl I always was. Like a dog that doesn’t realize it’s not a puppy anymore. That’s me. Ready to jump on my mama’s lap. I’ve done martial arts for about 11 months now and I’ve probably lost about 60 lbs. I know I’ve talked about my ‘dojo’ before but the amount of change I’ve gone through in the past months can’t be summed in the amount of lbs I’ve shed. First though I have lost about 60, I’m pretty fit. Still some excess weight to lose but not a lot of jiggle left. Other things are not as tangible. I feel so much happier and more confident. The self-worth definitely shot through the roof. At every stage though I can’t help but wonder, “What’s next”. It seems that the old adage ‘no rest for the wicked’ remains true. In my life celebration is short-lived for ever benchmark achieved. My latest achievement has been aquiring the ‘job of my dreams’ at a jewelry store. I set a goal. I pounded the pavement. I kept my focus. And I got the job. Of course after I started working is when the flood of calls and emails came in for interviews at other places. I definitely feel very blessed. I’ve worked the job for about 2 weeks ( today being the start of the 3rd) and I really like my job. I feel as if I made a right choice and found an industry where I feel I fit. Still, I’m left wanting. Not feeling as fulfilled as I thought I would. I can’t help but feel that making money aside, my life is lacking friendship and love. I have plenty of friends all over the world but few in the area and zero family. Maybe that would be ok but I can’t stand this cold weather and I’m always out in it walking and taking the bus. I get restless at times, ready for the next jump off. It seems I’m happiest when lifes moving too fast to stop and look around. Now I’m looking around and I’m thinking… summer is coming. Festivals, shows, and Phish. Summer is the time where the North East comes alive. Everyone has been hiding out and hibernating in the winter and once the nice weather hits everyone wants to tear it up. The idea of spending more time alone is way too much to bear. I often think of going home as throwing in the towl but maybe its not. I’m not from here. This place doesnt belong to me nor me to it. If I did go back to Arizona I would likely try to move before it gets too hott but it would never be a destination for me. Just a bump in the road on my journey to california. I remember the day after my 21st birthday. My estranged father of 19 years came home only to abandon me again, except this time in person. Suffice to say my relationships with men have mostly just been filled with disappointment. It’s really all I know to expect from them at this point. So maybe someday I meet someone who can make me feel differently, but until that day it seems like it would be better to live somewhere near people I love and not alone in the icy tundra.

Or maybe I’ll sign up for the peace corp.

of everyone I talk to no one believes in love anymore…
I’m starting to think they’re right.
Still, I feel that most of the love people search for is the one the comes from the divine. I said before that I was guilty of searching for love more than I was searching for God…that’s probably true of most people. A real ‘coming to Jesus’ moment happened for me after my last entanglement with my Ex. Every time I’ve had to see him so far he’s done nothing but disrespect me. But after the last time I felt so terrible I was really contemplating suicide. So I took a bunch of aspirin and drank all the booze I could find in my apartment. That was in January. So obviously I’m still standing. The circumstance pretty much broke me down so much that there was nothing left but my roots which turns out where Christian. Thinking about my friends growing up and my church up Tatum Blvd Church of Christ reminded me not just of what I was missing, but what makes me different. Why I’m always the one to give away my last dollar for someone else to have lunch when I don’t even know where my next meal is coming from…I’m different because I’m a Christian and I’ll never be like the same. I’ve tried to run from it but I can’t its part of who I am.
And I’m glad about that. But it doesn’t change the loneliness and need for community, friendship or love. I may just have to go home for that.

the art of detachment

been sort of in and out of a funk lately.

i am in need of a definite change of pace.

its coming, i can feel it. i get so anxious sometimes all i can do is pace. its not a anxious-nervous feeling, more like a anxious-excitement feeling. complete absolute change is coming and its well deserved! i’m glad all the chaos happened last year. first off life had gotten pretty boring. Stuck in a loveless relationship, I was drifting through life …I can’t describe. Sleepwalking maybe. Here but not present. Or so lost within myself that I was a mere fragment of the full of life person I used to be. But I met someone who woke me up and that’s great. I’m happy to be back. And I love living la bohemian life. I wouldn’t trade it for all the 401ks in the world.

Ehhh, maybe 1 large 401k. Having that security is nice. I would like to have security one day. But at the same time what is security really. There a number of large scale catastrophes that could demolish even the richest mans “nest egg”. I would like to not be old and slaving away to keep a roof over my head but I figure if I really really love what I do than I don’t see an issue doing it until the day I die and that’s kind of where I’m at. Writing is definitely something I feel that way about but I’m again kind of in a funk. I haven’t been mentally or spiritual stable so I kind of have to master that before I can really get back to writing. Or maybe that’s just the lie I tell myself.


I have decided that I’m definitely sticking around the Cap Reg. My number 1 goal this year was to get in shape and there is only one place that I know that I can really ‘git er done’ so that’s where I’ll be as soon as I get ‘xyz’ sorted out. At 27 I’ll be in the best shape of my life and then I can go anywhere or whatever. Travel is for sure in my future as I love it. I love the gypsy life. The only thing I don’t love is saying goodbye. I’m use to being on the other end of it though. All the love I feel hurts so much I know its why I keep people at a distance. I’m working on it though. Doing some heart opening meditations and shit. Ughlahfaslihfliashfliashflhaskhkashlkhalkhsdlkhaslhdaslk <- that’s how feelings make me feel. Lol kind of like frustrated and annoyed. Psychoanalyze that Freud!


I’ve also decided that in my next life I would like to be that exquisite quality of music…
That note that hits you just right and brings a tear to your eye.
The very essence of the sound that’s moving.
Then I could really be everywhere, loved by everyone, possessed by no one, achieved only by the most trained and gifted musicians, and fully appreciated by the most passionate of hearts.

And I’d go perfect with a nice glass of wine.

Sounds like the life to me 😉

and all before noon too

Yesterday, when asked how my day was I described it as “uneventful”.

So I started off today at towing yard at 12am, dropping my friend off at her job. The following two hours where spent making and customizing her online dating profile and sorting through her crazy (sometimes obscene) craigslist add responses. (Because when someone says “Looking for someone respectable” that totally means send a picture of your cock right?)

What we do for love, right. Well actually my friend isn’t looking for love. She is looking for a monogamous extramarital affair. (Maybe those cock pictures were actually on point then!) Hey- we all have needs right? Still, I think she is looking for love. I think everyone is looking for love in some kind of way.

And I’ll be damned if we aren’t all looking in all the wrong places. I know I was with my ex Nick…Sure he cared for me but only in relation to how I made him feel ( i.e.: wanted and not alone). You know for sure how someone feels when you try to make changes to your relationship..and oh boy did I ever find out for sure.

Craigslist isn’t really the best way to find your ‘soulmate’ if such things exist (I believe they do). It may sound crazy but I’ve found a lot of shit on craigslist. Hell, I’ll even say I’ve found just about everything on craigslist from time to time:

  • Friends
  • Apartments
  • Roommates
  • Dates
  • Jobs
  • Pets
  • Internships
  • Cars
  • Events

Honestly, I’ve had the best of luck with friends. 7 years ago I made a friend on CL that actually ended up changing my entire life in a way. Was our meeting fate or destiny? I’m not sure. But I remember it as clear as day. I replied to her ad because I was looking for friends. Just out of high school, a drift in desert: I was looking to meet someone new and I didn’t know how. Ayesha who was then living in Schenectady (Where????) had always wanted to live in Phoenix (Why?????????) and boom instant friendship. We both liked the smashing pumpkins and we shared different translations of the same name. Without ever having met her before I offered to pick her up at the airport, her and her tuxedo kitty.

Around 3am this morning I went home ate Ellios pizza (a NY commodity) and got a real good 3 hours of sleep before my alarm went off. All summer I’ve been working from home basically at my primary job. I would go into the office on occasion but mostly I took advantage of the ability to sit at home in my underwear, in bed no less, and talk to customers about their homeowner claims. It was the most fun I’ve ever had working at (any company really) an insurance company. Those days are over I guess (until the inclement weather kicks up again- SNOW DAYS). I am a hot mess in the morning. Physically functioning, I am not sure what my cognitive ability is or what my brain activity is all I know is that I feel rage, or at least I felt rage this morning. And my car had flat, and even though I left early, got to work early, still

ended up signing in late because I locked my keys (and my everything else) in my car and then couldn’t get my computer to work for 20mins. During all this, I am remembering a conversation with my friend around 230am this morning in which we debated whether it is better to have a good day or an interesting day. Be careful what you wish for. Hey Life, here’s looking at you baby 😛