maybe that’s it

continued my day of cleaning and have made a complete disaster of my room, or so it appears…

it is however almost finished and when it is complete i will have space again! took a break and walked around a little bit in search of a metroland in the rain. Success!

IDK why but I’m still drawn to the ISAWU section… there was nothing reminiscent of the back and forth I was involved in a few weeks. a small blurb that could of been as easily it could not of been for me: ” isawu and i can’t get you out of my head. you’re killing me though. you’re overthinking as we do, stop.” could of been for anyone really. and of course my own writing to myself. rereading it im happy i submitted it. if nothing else it’s always cool to see your writing in print. regardless, it appears that whatever was or wasn’t between me and this other person is over. not sure whether i should feel happy or sad about it. on the one hand it was lot of misunderstandings and heartache at least on my end of things.

still i have faith. and i learned today that faith is hope in action. as things slowly and surely start to come together and work itself out, i am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. a new life is forming, a new pathway is being light and i am embarking on a new journey. next week i start interning at the sanctuary for independent media again and i’m nervous but excited. one thing that has come from allll of this stuff is i’m really ready to start stepping outside of my comfort zone. and i know being active in the community will open a lot of new doors and avenues for me. i’m going to meet new people. AND the next time I meet someone I like, i’m not going to fight it (the only reason I did fight it at first was because i was already involved).

but i continue to think about this previous person. there is a bundle of memories i have swimming around in my head. they are but mere moments in time, simple but also deep in a way. reflection gives a new perspective on things that have happened.

i don’t miss the heartache though nor do i miss the confusion. i guess as always we will see what happens.

and yet, somehow staying here, going back to hvcc, and just picking up where things fell apart just doesn’t seem right – well it seems right, i guess i just don’t feel excited about it. i really want a change of pace. i want something different, something new something fresh. i guess all of that can be found where i’m at…

so what am I missing?

i know who i’m missing.



It’s late and i can’t sleep
Had a [mostly] uneventful weekend with my friend Maya. Lately my emotions are kind of everywhere … i guess the word ‘lately’ is kind of an understatement. A year and a few months ago I met this person and I don’t think there has ever been such a significant event in my life ever. Well I can’t stop thinking about him in a way that everything else seems to lack meaning. Like wandering a desert parched, everything is dull and monochromatic brown. Taupe, my friend Lisa would say. My friends say “forget him” “move on” “shit or get off the pot” but I can’t- as much as this person is always on my mind I don’t seem to want to take a step closer so I just thirst. It’s almost sick actually. It feels like cutting myself. And yet I just won’t stop.

So I’ve rereading the metroland. A few things struck me, 1) the imposter said I would be “praying”. Also I have to admit although I was mad that someone else was putting words in my mouth …They weren’t too far off in what they were saying

And 2) the way ‘angstroms’ says ‘you’re worth it’ was written around the same time i published “the time of the lone wolf is over” and said IF he was the one for me then he’d see that I’m worth it. It’s not the fact that he sees it but that we wrote that around the same time.

What i don’t understand is why denied writing to me in the isawu column because i feel almost certain that it is him. Regardless this situation is like driving me crazy at this point.

Got into a little bit of a fight last night with murdera. He’s feeling a little butt hurt that i cut our date short (and that I brought up another guy haha) and he decided to be spiteful. So know i guess he’s telling anyone that will listen how much of a bitch i am.

Classy 😉 i realized this weekend people say/do anything to try and bring you down just because whatever greatness they see in you makes the feel inadequate. Now that recognize it, I wont let it get to me. No one can diminish my accomplishments.

Ughhh I can’t sleep! The way Athena was born out of Zeus’ skull is how heavy this person is on my mind.

Level one test in Krav Maga next week and I’m nervous! This is going to be my first fight! It’s time to level up though. In more ways than one. I’m very bored with what I got going on right now.

And i actually can’t wait to “run my fingers through his fur”

Same shit

3 interviews this week that all went really well. No instant positions though so now, I wait.

Time to pack and shed baggage.
Too many things.

They didn’t publish my responses in the ML, probably for the best but I guess we will see. Nothing more from “angstroms” also probably for the best.

I’m so beyond done I need a need word.

Don’t know why I’m bothering with interviews anyways when I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE.

Smh. I wish whatever hold the capital region has on me would let go so i could just…


Meeting a new guy tonight.

And just because I can…i wrote to myself in the metroland:

Dear Beautiful Stranger,
We’re only strangers because fate hasn’t crossed our paths yet. I see you everywhere and you’re always a site for sore eyes. Sometimes your gorgeous in pink, other times sharp in black but my favorite is your brilliant red painted lips that make your eyes shine. Yours is a timeless beauty that will never fade but age like wine. I love you always, The Modern Scribe.

Seriously i think i should give classes on how to be a man.
These boys out here need help.
In the meantime, I’ll just have to sweep myself off my feet.
How romantic.

You heard it here first. Chivalry IS dead.

isawu part 3-2


So someone wrote to Angstroms as me and they published it

“Mr. Angstroms: I am awash in mixed messages. You write me ‘this is now’ you tell me to behave myself. I’m praying that I don’t give in to sheer physical desire and give you an excuse to bail. There’s a certain invevability to this. I do believe. Counting the moments till I can run my fingers through your fur.”


that’s NOT me. and hopefully Angstroms knows this. If it’s who I think it is then first of all I write better than this. And this person fucked up. Angstroms didn’t say “this is now” …me (aka ‘Slow’ i guess) did. Plus I would never ever say “run my fingers through your fur”.

so i just replied telling them to butt out.


i just make friends everywhere i go

oh man, metroland…what did you do without Alycia Bacon

infact capital region, what DID you do without Alycia Bacon????

You should be a lot nicer to me considering that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.

Just sayin.


i had a few responses myself to the this angstroms guy, so i guess there is going to be a lot in the next metroland…hahaha my first response was kind of wtf, who is this…

and then i decided that whatever maybe its not the guy i like, maybe its still a guy id like so i asked them out in the metroland

and then i responded to the HACK i hope whoever this angstroms is, he knows my writing well enough to not be fooled by this 3rd party THAT CANT GET THEIR DAMN FACTS STRAIGHT

isawu part 3

it would appear that i spoke too soon

i picked up last weeks metroland and read this:

“i want to return that kiss. i want to provide that grab of the ass. Though my first instinct is to step towards, not run from. But I feel your nervousness and I react in kind. We care about each other and we will work through it. You’re worth it. And a thousand times beyond.”


“Our eyes can only see a small spectrum of light that is there. In my narrow view of what our love looks like, I stumbled. Ironically your reaction to run was exactly what was needed for me to turn inward and fuel my growth. Your running became an act of love. While you were away , my heart expanded and my soul longed to be close to you. Even though we are separated we are still growing together and I realize you’ve been a part of me all my life.”

Thinking back to the initial entry,

it is beautiful and simple and in its own way perfect. it makes me wonder about all the bad timings that occurred before,

the show… did it not turn out as expected because i choose to wear a shirt and jeans and hide in the back versus a sexy dress and stand front and center, bold and beautiful?

and if so, after a year of this ridiculousness, is the only thing this person wants to see is my face smiling at them?

it’s so beautiful and touching.

i could leave the city, the state, hell even the country then the planet and this person would still be in my heart and in the back of my mind

i just want to get past all this.

on the plus side, i’m finally at the point where im happy to be near him. im quiet but not nervous.

just confused at times about everything that has gone before – all the missed connections, misunderstandings, and jaded/jealous people that tried to tell me otherwise. the real battle is believing in myself and i will continue to fight the good fight.

i just want him in my life.


“the time of the ‘lone wolf’ is OVER”

Today has been GREAAATTTTT

actually this whole freaking week as been great

First, had an interview monday at a spa and it went so well i had my second interview on tuesday. the second interview was in saratoga and I ended up having another interview out there to make the trip even more worthwhile. the additional interview was for this cute little coffee shop. the best part was that the owner is reallly really nice. I feel like I would’ve gotten job on the spot had I just lived closer to saratoga ( 2 hours of buses is not feasible) HOWEVER the manager is looking for a writer for his blog. A nice little telecommute position that I would love to rock. So I sent over some writing samples and we will see what happens.

Back at the gym, I kind of resolved myself to talk to you know who today. I was determined. Excited even. And we all know I score 100% of the things I resolve to do. Well I bitched out. And it has me thinking that it’s for the best. Not because I don’t want to know this person, not because I’m not totally attracted to them or because I don’t think their super amazing in so many ways and not even because I have any other ties, attachments or baggage… it simple just isn’t right. I feel like I shouldn’t have to force myself to do something that should come naturally. I want to know him, badly, but apparently I’m not ready. I think I have some more evolving to do and maybe he does too because at the end of the day neither can really seem to cross that bridge. I’ve come a long long looooonnnnngggg way from where i’ve started and it really is ‘only a few angstroms left to go’ and yet something inside me says ‘no’. to be honest i want him to take those steps towards me. but on the flip side of that it’s not like there have been many upon many opportunities for us to break that ice and every time i shut it down by replying to a question mark with a period statement.

K: “what’s up?

A: “Hi.”

i think or i know that it goes back to Bri Bri

well let me put it this way, when Brian and I “broke up” so to speak, I left west coast/south west… now mix that kind of emotional nakedness with the intimacy of sex too… what am I going to do, leave the planet?

“I’ll take a one way ticket to Jupiter please. Nevermind the whole not able to sustain life thing…i’m good with that.”

Yeah… and it’s not to say that fear should hold me back from what could be the best relationship of my entire life, but it is to say that it’s worth taking it “slow” and granted it can’t go much slower than this or else to two of us will be moving backwards but I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past year and accepted myself for who i am and i cannot make myself do something if something inside me says wait. So 2x things…

1) i have some growing to do. some confidence building. whatever you want to think of it as…

2) Song of Solomon Chapter 2 verse 7: “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

And so I guess my love does not desire to be awaken yet…

and if the timing is wrong then it isn’t right. i know the amount and quality of the love I have to give and it is out of this world. so i’m worth the wait. and if he sees that then maybe he’s the one.

and if not, then i’m clearly not the one for him.

(which would suck because i think he’s perfect ❤ )

Grace thinks I should read Song of Solomon with my future hubby on our wedding night. I think that would be beautiful. It is such an amazing book in the bible and it has kept me so encouraged through this ‘drought’  ughhhhhhhh the truth is I spent 4 years with my rebound, i cannnnnnnooooootttt just be with someone ever again just to not be alone :/ so….

Whoever, wherever he is… I’m waiting for him. Some day the RIGHT man WILL come along and scoup me up in his arms and the whole wide world will just melt away. And i’ll be his forever and ever. Until that day comes the only thing I can do is keep working on my shiiiiiiiiiitttt

Super excited for Rochester. I think I’ve made a couple of friends already. And NOT craigslist friends either. Whatever is coming it’s going to be amazing.

i know i said goodbye earlier, but you know better right?


New metroland with my response in it’s entirety:




And a challenge apparently…


I’m laughing at my phrasing “blowing past you”

And the this mysterious other person seemed to like my phrasing… in fact, they gave me permission to “blow” by them again, so long as I smile and hold a copy of the metroland…

Mmm there’s someone who I’d like to blow alright, if it is who I think it is…
I’m way too horny. I know people can see the sexual frustration all over my face. Like literally men stop me in the streets to let me know…they yell at me from their cars, try to chat me up when I’m waiting for the bus and go out of their way just to be seen by me.

I’m not completely insecure and I do own a mirror, I’m just not sure I see what they see.



Too many dirty thoughts

This person makes me




Joie de Vivre

I have to say that I’m pretty proud of myself today

Because i’ve taken a lot of initiative lately in myself, my success as a writer, and with the whole looking for sponsors thing

normally i tend to get overwhelmed by a large task…it can feel so daunting. i’m for sure a big picture person and it can be really hard to break things down into steps i can manage. but i’ve done really well lately. AND instead of beating myself up when i don’t get as much down or things dont turn out exactly the way i planned i can still feel confident that as much or as little i do is getting my one step closer to where i want to be. that over all just makes me feel so much happier. its like knowing that regardless of x,y,z- i’ve already won.  right now my writing biz is not yielding any financial gains, but i know that it WILL and that helps keep me driven. Yay 🙂 Feeling very very grateful today for friends old and new. I have an interview shortly at a big retail fashion clothing store and im excited. i’m hoping it can really seal the deal and just start working again right away. i loveeeee clothes. and one of the positions they are hiring for is for a visual merch person. thats what i was doing at my previous position and I LOVED it. I wasn’t the official person but I did get formal trained by one of the corporate peeps. He was super chill and really nice. I think anyways LOL

Whatever. I’m at Kinkos again today and no tears 😀

just a few more thoughts then i gotta jet. i need to finish revamping my resume and maybe scour up some actually food (instead of this nasty “brown sugar flavored” oatmeal from D&D ( like serious WTF is ‘brown sugar flavored’ really? REALLY? brown sugar is not expensive)) ( I am however grateful for this oatmeal and the fact that there is a D&D next to my dojo)

in the cap reg there is a paper called the metroland. not sure if i mentioned it before. its pretty cool. i think most cities have something similar. its like an alternative weekly news publication. its more opinion than predominately fact based. Thats not to say that their opinions aren’t based on facts… i just mean that its not what you would turn to for just pure objective news. It has a political bias. Anyways, i generally don’t read any of that shiiiittt. No offense, it’s just that politics is no longer my jam. I love finding out whats going on in the area, music, live shows, dinner discounts, movies..etc. HOWEVER my favorite section by farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr is the Horoscope/ISAWU/Savage Love section.  Horoscope and I saw u sits side by side on the layout and the Save love is on the back of the page i think. The i saw u section is pretty funny. “hey i saw you in stewarts in latham looking fine in some tight jeans. i think you noticed me and we exchanged smiles. i felt a connection. hello. is it me your looking for” some creepy weird jazz like that. Like no bro there was no connection. I glanced your direction and smiled to be polite. If you were the man of my dreams you would of nonchalantly walked over and been like ‘Let me grab that coffee for you’ and i would of been like ‘thanks but no thanks bye’ HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry ok jk jk i’ve totally become a little bit of an asshole since ive moved to ny. but rest assured i would gladly let almost anyone buy me something. But my point is that usually the ISawUs are pretty like how the fuck is that person going to know its for them and who you are. anyways, there was this one week…i feel like it was a few weeks ago. i had been searching for ML for a few days, all my usual haunts didn’t have it. i was bummed. i met up with my friend Peggy and her friend  and lo and behold her friend happened to have it. so i ask to read it after her. I was literally laughing about how I loveeee the ISawU section and how someday I’m going to write one to myself (which will read something like: “I saw you, on the corner of 3rd and congress looking finnnneeeee in some skinny jeans. your pink hoodie haunts my dreams. i dream of taking off your shades and staring into your eyes.” or ” I saw you on the 905. Your so beautiful and graceful, such a lady. You were smiling to yourself and I couldnt help but get lost in those big pouty red lips and think what they would look like on my diiiiiiiick” haha anyways..)  there was the most peculiar isawu that i’ve ever read in the 5 years i’ve been living in the CR.  And it read,

“You said slow. I say slow is good. What I mean is, lets have mind-blowing sex for hours…wait, I mean weeks…or the rest of our lives. Starting now. Earlier. Only a few angstroms left to go. I will touch you when you LET me. You said slow. I’m just grateful for the opportunity to be near you. I’m a very disciplined person, but it’s taking a lot of concentration to keep from licking your ears. That said, I love what I see evolving. Your stubbornness complements my cautiousness. Your steadfastness supports my moods. Your intelligence understands my imagination. Your silence brings forth my telepathy. If I wasn’t repeatedly stunned by the beauty, simplicity and perfect of it all, I would be in agony over missing you. Have a Hopeful Birthday.”

Suffice to say its pretty beautiful right? very well written. and seems to fit a situation i may be in with a certain someone i see frequently although there isn’t really enough to go on there to know with absolute certainty. i can just say that in the people i’ve met out here or been around, not many seem like their capable writing with that kind of depth. depth, not pretentiousness. i considered responding immediately but i decided against it bc hey idk if it was for me. well it turns out that that ML was already a week old. and the current one for that week and all the ones following…none of them have had the Isawu section. It’s just been some stupid “Save the Manatee ad”… (manatees are all right and everything but really their just fatties …well when i put it that way lol, Save the Manatee!) I let it go for awhile but last night i was doing my ussssh (usual) and i started thinking ‘well dammit maybe it was for me’ so i decided to write back. and i’m excited to see if they publish it. 😀 😀 😀

OK i’m outtttttttttt