Back to basics

when ever times get rough it is most encouraging for me to take a step back and look at the big picture. I start to feel like a failure sometimes. I won’t say that i’ve made all the best choices, and I can’t say that my circumstances aren’t completely a result of my own actions but what I WILL say is that at every step of the way I made the best decision based on the information I had at the time (and what was in my heart)… you really can’t ask more of person than that. After taking my blog off the radar for a couple of days I decided to bring it back. I don’t know whats next. I don’t know if I’ll be a contender for the Miss NY pageant, I don’t know if I’ll ever be a successful model, I don’t know anything will ever pan out with that guy, Caoimhghín, and I most certainly do not know what tomorrow brings. What I DO know is what I wanted to accomplish this year:

Goals for 2015…
1. Get fit- lose excess weight and get down to true size
-improve diet and nutrition
2. Find a job I love
3. Grow my freelance writing business
3a. Finish a story (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
4. Face Fears
4a. OWN the spotlight
5. Be a better daughter
6. Master hula hooping
7. Become a professional MMA fighter
8. Be a light that shines in the darkness
9. “[To not go gently into that good night, but to RAGE RAGE RAGE]”

We can just check of number 9 right now. LOL

I am well on my way to meeting all my goals this year and that’s a great feeling. Thinking back on the last 5 years, my only real regret is not managing my money properly so moving forward that is going to be my number one priority.

And last, but greatest I am finally ready to let love in ❤
The biggest challenge that I face is really trusting God through all the dips and turns and loop-de-loops my life has taken, so many situations have tried to test my faith and yet I have remained steadfast…and I’ve coined a new saying:

“Keep your heels reasonable, your head high, your lipstick bright, and your faith on FIRE”

“RAGE RAGE RAGE against the dying of the light”


she loves you… yeah yeah yeah

so first things first

i totally bitched out on going to class tonight. sometimes when the bus is pulling up to the stop my heart gets all fluttery and is like ‘no no no’ …today was one of those days.

Actually today was a very interesting day indeed. It started off with the bus being late to pick me up from schenectady county community college. i guess it broke down somewhere cause a ‘not in service’ bus passed, about 10 mins late, and then right after a white van pulls up full of people and the driver is like ‘hey you waiting for the bus?” and I said yes of course and he motioned me to hop in. LOL so i literally got in a white van today and yet no free candy! I was a couple mins late to work which was literally not my fault. Shit happens. Well shortly after opening the district store manager shows up and then shit got real. It got real fast. I never met her before but her rep proceeds her. She was very nice but intimidating. She said I had a beautiful smile. Which I’ve been hearing a lot lately? The man I interviewed with yesterday said the same exact thing. So after a few hours with the DM, my store manager comes in. And it turns out he got the sack. Demoted actually not fired. I’m glad he still has a job and I’m also glad he isn’t my manager anymore. Industry term: “sandbagging” pretty much means you killed a sale so bad it can’t be saved when you “turn it over” to another associate. My manager was sandbagging me. He refused to teach me anything really. And in generally he was just an unhappy person. It was always something. Too many hours but he’s salary, so-and-so didn’t do this right but he’d rather just complain about then actually talk to him or her (usually her) directly, bitch bitch bitch. Me I’m coming off a rougghhhh year so I just don’t want to hear it. You don’t like your life? Change it. I do it allll the time. It’s hard. It usually means sacrifice but believe me when I say I will do whatever it takes to get what I want. As long as I don’t have to sacrifice my integrity because I just won’t- I’d rather die and I mean that. Aside from that it’s allllll blood sweat and tears baby. My former manager was a “man’s man” I guess. He always talked down about women and whenever I would ask for more responsibility he would kind of shoo me off. But he’s passive aggressive. There’s an important meeting coming up that will teach me selling techniques. I told him over and over again ‘please let me go. i’ll rent a car…whatever it takes’ and he said fine. Come to find out today from a third party that he never signed me up, only signed up the only dude working at the story bc he has vehicle access. WTF! I’m thinking to myself, ‘You know I don’t have sales experience. You told me you loved that I had the customer service experience and you’d teach me sales. Bullllll shit.” I think he pretty much hired me to stand around and be pretty, which I’m great but I’ also super smart too. He was pretty much running the store into the ground. And now we have a new manager who is all about her shit. Change can be scary when you mixing up a routine and the whole vibe changes. But ultimately I’ve learned more from HER in one day then I did from him in 3 weeks. And she’s going to teach me how to use the ring polishing machine and how to change watch batteries and the like. I’ve had a few “leaders” who try to be great but just fall short. Not everyone has what it takes. To be a great leader you have to take risks, make tough choices ANNNNDDD make them swiftly. Not everyone is going to like the decision but that’s ok- got to do what’s best for the big picture. He is a very caring person though and I think in part he wanted to “protect me” which is nice but I’m an adult. I don’t need a father, I need a leader. You lead, I’ll follow – it’s that simple. Tell me what to do and I’ll get it done. That’s what I really love and respect about my Sensi. It seems that things are pretty cut and dry. I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes of course but I know he has a thriving establishment. You get that by being a person that can make decisions and follow through. Not to mention, want to talk about working a lot and not nesciarilly increasing you funds thennn let’s talk about being self employed, business owner, and or a parent…those are 24/7 jobs. So get outta hear with that bitchassness.

Ok i’m done. Next LOL

I mailed off a thank you card to the man I interviewed with yesterday. He was so nice. I think ideally I’d like to get my bearings in the industry and then hop over but we will see. I know he is looking for part-time and I’m cool with that. This 40 hr week is breaking my non existent balls (or maybe it’s breaking my ben wa balls hardy har har). Wouldn’t be as much of a struggle with a car I just don’t see how a car is really possible at this point. With car insurance, maintenance, a down payment…feels impossible. Nothing is impossible but we will see. I don’t mind the bus I just mind the distance really. I’m mean if my whole life was in colonie then I’d be set. But I actually like living in Troy. Whatever. For now it is what it is and the soonest I’d be looking at getting a vehicle would probably be the end of April.

Full disclosure here. I know I mentioned my “watermark” yesterday, so I just have to put it out there into the universe that I Love Him. It’s pretty crazy to have someone on your mind so constantly when you don’t really know them, to see them in your dreams, to wake up saying their name, to look into the eyes of many many guys and only be able to take in that their not him and yet when I’m with the Watermark I can barely look directly at him. When I do I mostly just get lost in his eyes so I’m not even entirely sure what the full picture looks like. Like sure I could pick him out of a line up but when ever I do sneak a peak he always looks different. I’m left wondering “are you real or an illusion?” LOL

Just had to say that in fact I couldn’t go another min without letting it out so that’s why I didn’t go to class. I wanted to come home and write instead. More than jewelry sales I will first and foremost always be a writer. and second a fighter. and maybe someday an English teacher. but working at a jewelry store is amazing. i hope someday to be someone who goes out and finds the gems myself. Travel and rocks- I’m allllll about it.

Off on a short adventure. When I get back I’m going to post the first chapter of story I’ve been sitting on. I’m very very excited.

“escape from home”

Of all the gin joints in all the world,
I find myself at the parker inn again.

Frustrated. At myself and the world. There’s about a million things I could be doing with my time. Instead I’m mostly sleeping, eating, and working at a job I hate. ( The job itself isn’t so bad, but its far from what I love to do, and any job similar but different I would hate as well)

The truth is I have an abundance of time, as I sleep in every morning and give myself just enough time to make it to work, evenings, saturdays, and my infamous lazy sundays.

I’m not putting myself down. I work hard and I enjoy my time off. However I am not developing at the rate I should be or want to be.

I’M SLACKING! Freelance writing…unwritten, stories…unweaved, pictures…UNTAKEN!

Not to mention the looming factoid that my temp status may come to a close at the end of this month. A more responsible person would be hoarding money left and right, I however borrow from myself and always seem to end up with little more than a few dollars in the bank leftover. No matter how many hours I work, or how much money I save on my rent… I just can’t seem to get ahead. Not to mention school didn’t work because it turns out I actually can’t be everywhere at once. Bummer!

What am I to do with my existence? Not only will I NOT lead a life of quiet desperation, but I can’t just sit back and swallow all that thrown at us as American citizens. Hello occupy whatever… Forget about the 1 percent, what about the healthcare crisis?

It’s time for a revolution… Who is with me? Now if only I could get up off my lazy butt. Maybe after this beer 😛